Going to bed pregnant in week 40 has disrupted my sleep. Today I was up early again. Over the last week or so, I’ve found myself waking up with a head full of thoughts, lists, excitement, to-dos, wishes and musings. I’ve gone to bed wondering if, and hoping that, I’ll wake up in labor. I’ve really been hoping I could wake up in the throes of labor- in the process of, movement towards, and the dawning inevitability of the imminent arrival of this baby I’ve carried inside for 40 weeks- and 3 days!
Alas, today I woke up 3 times during the night and just before 6am to discover, once again, I am still pregnant. I’m passed my due date and nearing a scheduled c-section date if this baby doesn’t come on its own…like, NOW!
For many of these recent early mornings, I’ve been reading, praying, writing and working- all trying to align my mind and heart for a day of hopeful and productive waiting. I’ve been putting words in my head trying to convince, persuade and center my body, heart, soul and volatile emotions! Some days, the process has worked better than others. In general, I appreciate language and believe words carry great meaning and indeed have the power to change our minds, orient our lives, and lead us to live, walk, work and labor in one way or another.
Here’s a list of words I’ve been pondering in my free time over the early hours of last weeks mornings:
Eucharisteo– the Greek translation of Luke 22:19 which means “he gave thanks”. Eucharisteo contains the root word “charis”– Greek for “grace”, and the derivative word “chara” within which means “joy”.
I’ve been reading 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp in small doses. She writes to encourage readers to live out a life of continual gratitude, of gift recognition and thanks- giving. Recognizing graces that God gives us, we must respond with thanks and will then receive joy. We give thanks, even when it’s hard, even if it seems meaningless, and we are slowly transformed, molded and moved to a place where joy comes more easily and panic and discouragement are kept further at bay. I have a list going on paper and I’m learning to say thanks out-loud, wanting gratitude to permeate my language, my posture, and our family rhythms.
Waiting- to stay in a place of expectation. Yep, this is happening for me….expecting to be in a different state but remaining in another.
Overdue– delayed beyond the appointed time. This is why I’m waiting so much…doctors gave me a date in January and now I’m past it. Granted, a baby is no library book, the consequence of this overdue-ness is mostly positive- the baby is being nourished in it’s God-given incubator and given its own time schedule. I’m getting more cleaning and organizing done than I ever dreamed I would.
Gratitude– thankfulness or appreciation that is a feeling from the heart, or attitude, in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive. I like the nuance of the future tense here- gratitude can come before the gift itself. I feel this is poignantly where I’m trying to be right now. I’m am grateful NOW for what I know WILL BE…a baby, a gift, a miracle.
Ready– completely prepared or in fit condition for immediate action or use. In so much as I can control, I feel geared up and all set for this baby’s arrival!
Rest- a period or interval of inactivity, repose, solitude, or tranquility. I probably haven’t gotten enough of this because of all the getting ready antics.
Peace– my theological dictionary describes peace as, “much more than a lack of war…points to full societal and personal well-being, coupled with righteousness and possible only as a gift of God“. This aptly resonates. I have been trying to procure and produce both rest and peace; such tasks are not possible. Rest and peace have onlycome in moments of surrender in the last few weeks, never in moments of exertion.
Grace– Luke 1:30 in the Amplified Bible, “free, spontaneous, absolute favor, and loving kindness”. Ahhh…grace, the freely given, undeserved, unmerited, gift of God towards me in so many ways during every day. Grace is what I’ve needed in the throes of hormones and transition and chaos during this pregnancy, grace is the gift of a child, brand new, growing inside.
Awe- feelings of wonder and amazement; reverential fear. What I’ve felt when I’ve felt this baby move inside me, stopped to be still and let the amazement of a miracle and growth and new life overwhelm me. I tried for awhile to fit “Awe” into a middle name conversation but it just does NOT work with Osborne. Go ahead and try it, say, “Baby Awe Osborne”. Nope. It’s a no go…a word best for writing, not naming.
These are a few words that are keeping me semantically sane, shaping my thoughts and running through my head as I dream, hope, work and wait in the final few days of the grace given to me that has been this journey of pregnancy and will be our baby. I am ready, I am grateful, in waiting, seeking peace and overwhelmed by awe.
