A Prescription for Inscription

If you give a kid some cash…

• She will want to buy some gum.
• He will want to buy something Nerf.
• They will count it up mentally or at least, while younger, sort it out methodically.
• He will ask questions how about how much the copper of a penny is really worth, which bill is the least common, and if we should create a new one dollar bill.
• She will add it to the coins she finds because she’s always finding treasures in other peoples trash, outside in sidewalk cracks, or behind that chair.
• They will so thoughtfully buy Christmas gifts for their friends (props to you Beck and HK Sollars!)
• He will decide he’s all of a sudden into model airplanes and bring money to the craft store.
• She will want to buy her own bag of ring pops and will share them pretty well.
• He will calculate how much more he needs for that Hotwheels set.
• She will carry it carefully in a cute purse to the store.
• They will want to buy books at school book fairs and their mom will remind them of the awesomeness of the library! FREE!
• They will give some of it away at church and really pay attention to where it’s going.
• He will have a blast sliding it into piggy bank slots, even if his siblings don’t want the nickels to go there.
• They will learn about money.

Drew is the financial leader of our family: making most of the money, working really hard, carefully calculating, strategically saving, thoroughly budgeting, and generously giving. I’m on board with the decisions, thankful for his hard work in making and stewarding what we are so blessed to earn and own. I’m pretty good at spending it on essentials and extras!

When our kids were little, Drew found these cool piggy banks and we procured one for each child. The pig is divided into four slots: Spend, Save, Donate, and Invest. Whenever our kids find coins, they find their way to a slot. If a “large” lump sum comes in, we work with them to think about splitting it between needs, wants, generosity, and saving goals.

As a couple we agreed easily with the parenting logic that allowance should not based on kids contributions to the family, but given for the purpose of teaching kids about money. Our kids are expected to contribute with consistent household chores and on the spot assistance when needed (ask Eli about grabbing me stuff last week while Andi and Oaks were down and out with the pukes- while I was knee deep in vomit, Eli became my binki-grabbing, pillow finding, water bottle delivering assistant). We expect their hard work without being asked in efforts not only for their own good,but for the team.

Our kids do jobs because they are a part of our family, and it takes all of us to make our house and family work.

Our kids get money as an allowance because we want them to learn how to take care of money.

We are still figuring it all out and feel tensions about how to teach them generosity, saving, and smart spending while still allowing them freedom and choice. We wonder if we introduce chores for pay in some circumstances, such as driveway shoveling. And we act with on-the- spot spontaneity when required. Yes, our kids get $5 for their first lost tooth- that’s all the Tooth Fairy had when Eli lost his at Castaway where there are no banks to hand out small bills at 8pm! We wonder about taking some to the bank for a more secure, and not so coin heavy, but still short term, savings plan. I want them to start saving for their own trips to Young Life camp in high school. Eli said the longest he wants to save is “Like 8 weeks, not 8 years Mom!”

Drew is great about being consistent, logical, and intentional in accounting for our children’s fiscal responsibility.

He gathers Eli and Andi for “Allowance Time” one Saturday morning every month.

They each get, $.40 times their age, per week at the once a month pay out. Right now this means Eli gets $3.20/week or $12.80/month. Andi gets $2.40/week and $9.60. Oaks has to wait until age five to get in on anything more than messing with the stacks of quarters.

Drew leads them through a formula for putting 10% into every category and then giving them the freedom to decide how to slot the rest. We don’t expect them to do the same thing as their sibling or from month to month. It’s especially fun to see how they make their own decisions and where their desires or discontent direct them.

I celebrate their growing appreciation for the power of money and their increasing respect for how many problems it can create. At times, they have lost some, spent some on junk, and felt grumpy about having to give some away. Last week I did pretty much the same. Money is a huge responsibility, a tantalizing and powerful tool, and an all consuming crisis if left to its own devices, or withheld from anyone unfairly.

For our kids, being blessed kids with means, we hope to instill in them gratitude- for God owns it all anyway, it’s their job to take care of their cash and share it. We hope to teach good decision making while the bad decisions are cheap. We hope we model responsibility and generosity so they grow up aware of and capable of handling, but not controlled by, money. We are glad they get their own gum and cars from grocery store aisles when they want to, and we very much reserve our rights as parents to keep the cash at home on other days.

The pigs are helpful and we are hopeful.

I wrote this prayer for my ethics class in seminary. With stories I’ve heard in the past two days, and the children’s lives I lead in my own house, I offer it as a reminder to myself and a possible resource for others. While we won’t ever be perfect as parents, we can always pray.

An Ethics Prayer for Kids

Child, Sweet child,

I love you, its true.

May your life be filled with love each day,

Some you keep, and lots you give away.

With Jesus in your heart,

there’s love in every part

With care in your hands,

Help others, heal lands.

With Holy Spirit in your head,

think wisely, carefully led

With movement in your feet,

  Share good news with all you meet

With strong and helpful arms,

   Carry burdens, stop the harms.

With your mouth, say what’s true,

Accept those who are different than you.

Child, Sweet child,

I love you, its true.

May your life be filled with love each day

Some you keep and lots you give away.

Eli’s 8th birthday was July 17th. We were home in Kansas City for this one for the first time since 2008. Eli had his first and second birthday’s here and then has celebrated each new year of life at Castaway- each one a memorable and wonderful celebration with new friends and sweet community- and a zipline! Eli was grateful and fully engaged in each of those but yearned for one year of a birthday at home.

As we talked and planned, Eli wasn’t keen on a water party at the pool or home. He didn’t want a lot of games or to go somewhere with a bunch of friends. After sharing some ideas and talking it out, he and I settled on a home family party and a trip to Worlds of Fun with some friends.

As the date for the “family” party drew near, the guest list expanded. I invited the Sollar’s five and Eli invited some friends from the swim team. We planned a bey blades* tournament (*”bey blades are basically completely awesome, extreme metal spinning tops” that “battle” each other 1:1 in a plastic stadium. Last one spinning wins.- Eli’s explanation) and picked out some items for the menu. When I asked what he wanted for an appetizer, Eli suggested root beer floats like we had at our wedding. Always game for RB floats at a party, I said yes!

A couple days before the Thursday party, Eli and I were butting heads a bit. He had great expectations and I couldn’t seem to please him. Nothing I bought or suggested was quite right.  Eli is particular, thinks about all sides of something, has a rock solid memory, loves being right and often is, and has elaborately creative ideas that make something ordinary into an experience. Last week, some of his strengths, were pushing me into my weaknesses- ie: impatience,  in the midst of the party planning.

I had a strong emotional moment Wednesday night- birthday eve. Eli said he probably wouldn’t like the ice cream I’d carefully and proudly selected for him, and I, with all the maturity I’ve developed in almost 34 years, took it as a deeply personal insult. I’m sure Eli didn’t understand why I was hurt by an ice cream comment and he shouldn’t fully have to. I had thoughts and emotions and memories, hopes, dreams, questions, and love that I had to process. Thankfully, Drew was home to take over while I took a shower- letting the 8 years of being Eli’s mom, flow through my head.

Eli was a wonderful surprise. We were unprepared to be parents until he was set in our arms- at which point, I felt the most overwhelming sense of role affirmation I’ve ever felt. On July 17th, 2006- I held him and took him in with my heart, head, and eyes  and knew, felt, and grasped- he was mine, I was his, and I would take care of him.

Eli made me a mommy and is still showing me how to make good mom moves and love selflessly. I’m no expert but I do think parents are to love without condition- taking the child given to them as a gift, stewarding their life, studying their person, and seeking to ensure they grow up smart, strong, and secure.  To love without receiving love in return is a Christ-like quality I seek as a mom and find impossibly hard to enact at times.

Last week, I wept with gratitude. I am in awe of who Eli is. I love how amazing and wonderful, smart, intuitive, strong, coordinated, personable, communicative, engaging, fun, funny, playful, passionate, adventurous, brave, friendly, confident, and creative he is. I appreciate his innate sense of wonder and passion to learn as well as his deep desire for speed, the extreme, and excitement!

I wept also for how hard being a mom was just then. Perhaps because we’re the same or maybe because he’s more stubborn and of a greater intelligence than me, we  sometimes disagree.  I wanted so badly for his birthday to be wonderful and all he wanted it to be. I wanted him to appreciate the efforts I was making and lower his expectations of others- it was okay if someone came without a gift. I wanted him to have fun and wanted him to show respect and gratitude.

The dreams I have for my kids are simple:

• I want them to be secure in how loved they are as a child of God and a kid in our family.
• I want them to make a difference in the world doing what they feel excited about.
• I want them to serve and love other people as Jesus does.

I am fully confident Eli will do all of these things despite the days I don’t win a blue ribbon for mom excellence. I believe God’s new mercies every morning and the way we’re living together as a family, will give Eli a foundation from which he can run, jump, read, dream and excel.

“Epic” is Eli’s new word and epic describes who he is, what he can do now and will do as he grows up. These past eight years are undoubtedly some of the best of my life. Eli is a indescribably good gift and I’m honored to have a front row seat in witnessing his wins and walking with him through the lows.

The party was a big win. Everyone came. The tournament was high energy and high volume. Eli’s adults friends, grandparents, aunts and uncles were gracious participants. Eli had an epic time and was indeed grateful, appreciative, and by the end, exhausted!

In bed, my head spun and spun that night- just like the amazing bey blade straight from Japan that Eli got as a present. I was happy and amazed: 8 is half way to driving, 8 is a long way from a 6lb baby and 8 is great!

Doing his 8 birthday burpees in the morning

The boys table

When you release a bey blade into the arena, you yell, “Let it rip!”…this is not a cake of death. 🙂

Dream pie in addition to bday cake…celebrating with sugar was on Eli’s list!

Tournament competitors!

The beginning of present opening…

…the goods draw everyone in.

Yay for Legos, Beyblades, a USA jersey, a ceiling fan, and Apples to Apples Jr. Everything he wanted!

A few years ago, when Drew and I were trying to work out a marital squabble, I told him, “I’m not trying to be bossy, I just have a lot of good ideas.” I can’t remember exactly if this helped to clear anything up.

Last night, we got back from a whirlwind, weekend, wedding trip to Wisconsin. Ah the alliteration is too easy and so fun! We trekked via minivan with brave, gracious, and flexible traveling companions Uncle Zach and Aunt Christine. 7 bodies, 1 Odessey.

After our trip to Hermann, MO three weeks ago and umpteen trips to Colorado, I am finally wise. My great idea on the way back from Hermann was to bring our grabber tool from home, on the road. The grabber goes where strained arms, twisted backs, and grasping fingers cannot go: t0 the abyss that is the passenger side door cavity. Oakley sits facing backwards in the car and when bored or mischievous, throws his binky, monkey, blanket or toy over to the unreachable depths of the skinny space between his massive car seat and that sliding door. To reach it, one adult must pry themselves out of their sitting position between two booster seat shoulder supports in-between Eli and Andi in the back, and reach basically upside down and over Oaks’ seat. If no back seat riders, the front seat passenger has to unbuckle, climb back and reach over and down…waaaay down.  The pursuit of  Oakley car comfort can be very uncomfortable.

Eli demos the grabber

Back to my great idea. If we bring the grabber, anyone from front, middle, or back seat can reach the sneaky object without moving their own buns. With a reminder on my phone that went off Friday morning, we grabbed the grabber for the trip. Success… within reach. Oakley had what he needed…retrieved with love and blue plastic.

Madison, Wisconsin was wonderful. As the state capital, it boasts an active populous, bikes and boats galore, and a beautiful and accessible capital square, open to the public on Saturdays.. We walked around the capital in the throng of people (1000s upon 1000s) moving slowly along as if they were in a lazy river: one direction, a slow pace, bumping and pushing at times, who were there for the country’s largest farmer’s market. We had cheese curds from a food truck- obviously.

Our hotel was close to attractions and the bride and groom were thoughtful and considerate hosts- offering a Friday night rehersal dinner hook up and ideas on what to do while in town.Madison is surrounded by big lakes and hosts the University of Wisconsin student population-  lots to do and lots of local fare. Their ceremony was sweet and reception vibrant. We danced til they kicked us out and then went down the street to Ian’s Pizza- it’s a thing in such a college town, to eat pizza with macaroni and cheese on top- so we did.

Back to great ideas. The thing about great ideas is that they come from past experience or a sudden burst of inspired genius. They rise out of the ashes of mistakes or bubble up from a musing. Great ideas can come from anyone and should be grasped and instituted whenever possible. The Wisconsin weddding weekend will from this point forward be referred to as “The Weekend of Gayle’s Great Ideas.”

After swimming Saturday afternoon, Eli was missing a shoe. There had been games and antics in the pool including swimming some laps with your shoes on. Eli came up with one shoe on and the other completely lost. Drew retraced the steps back to the pool but found nothing. That’s when Gayle (GG) had her first great idea of the weekend: “Check the filters”, she said. Indeed- there floated Eli’s black Keen sandal- in filter trap of a hotel swimming pool. Whew! The lost found- Drew and I don’t know if we would have thought to look there. We are so grateful for Gayle’s Great Idea #1. 

Less than 12 hours later, Gayle’s Great Idea #2 struck. Yesterday morning, Steve Osborne (Poppy) was in the hotel breakfast area when Oakley and I came down. Pops said GG had a great idea in the middle of the night: they could fly Oakley home with them on the hour long flight from Milwaukee to KC at 11am that day. Oakley would get to skip the 8 hour drive, arrive home to KC in time to take a nap, and our van would have an extra seat- no back seat smashed adult!

Gayle and Steve were flying Southwest and could just add Oakley as a lap infant. What ensued, were a few harried moments of working out details, moving a car seat, wondering if it could really work. In less than 30 minutes, Oaks was packed up and headed off to Milwaukee in the rental car to fly home! We drove home after a fun breakfast with friends and enjoyed the break from the grabber shinanigans and the extra space. As fun and animated and wonderful of a traveler Oakley is, it was best for him and us to take Geeg up on her great idea! What a gift! 

We got home at 7pm and picked up the happy Oakley, who had taken a 3 hour nap after schmoozing with the flight attendants and enjoying extra bags of pretzels. He yelled “Hi” and blew kisses as he flew home in comfort with his wise and capable grandparents.

For great ideas, we are grateful.

Andi’s first day 2013

Eli’s first day 2012

Today is our first day of summer. Not the technical one that delineates the actual season (that’s June 21st- thank you for the literal accuracy Elijah), but the first of the next 72 (including weekends) that starts without school!

As the mom, I am approaching summer with great expectation and excitement. I’m also wondering how I’ll get my work from home work done with so much kid energy around. I hope not to lose my temper or get overwhelmed by long days of messes, sibling squabbles, or silly things that I sometimes let get to me.

Trepidation aside, I’m so glad Eli and Andi will be home every day. Oakley is excited to have them around and interacting with him. Eli and Andi are relieved and ready for the change of routine, for a break from being away and “on”.  Despite asking sleepily as she stretched, “Do we have school today?”on any number of Thursday mornings, Andi did a whole year of day long kindergarten so well! Despite liking time alone, quiet and by herself, she went to a long day of loud, crowded, and social kindergarten!

For two years in a row I went through the pile of registration requirement paperwork, toted tough kids to get that shot, and emotionally felt the weight of giving my kid to the world. Sending them to kindergarten was a welcome gift for us all- they were ready to learn, be social, engage their brains and bodies in routine, adventure, and education. And we were ready as parents for them to be age-appropriately stimulated and taught things we weren’t prepared to teach them ourselves.

Sending them to kindergarten was at the same time, a repeatable agony. I lost the almost complete control I had over what they did, heard, saw, and learned. I missed knowing what they were doing and how they were faring. We didn’t get to do whatever we wanted together all day. I had to trust that what we had built into them in the first 5 years would stick, and help them absorb the information they’d gather out there on that rumbling yellow bus and in that big brick school.

Through two years of kindergarten in a row, I’ve learned lessons of my own.

I have learned deep appreciation for the tenacity of my children– they persevered through days of not wanting to go, being tired, frustrated by the content, bored by the monotony, or left out by friends.

I’ve learned great admiration for kindergarten teachers. Both Mrs. Crawford for Eli, and Mr. Richards for Andi, gave tirelessly to welcome little tiny kids to the school experience and shape them with structure, tools, and patience. Andi’s teacher was especially perfect for her personality. When Andi would shut down in frustration, Mr. Richards would woo her back with silliness- a language Andi speaks fluently. His quiet, patient, deliberate, and kind demeanor could dissipate chaos and invite effort. Mr. Richards believed in Andi, gave her chances to excel in reading and math, but also in her desire to help and host the class. Also, he gave her gifts- suckers, hair bows, leftover cookies, and hugs  for the times she showed extra efforts in cleaning up, stacking chairs, or listening. Gifts communicate care to Sister-Soo, she knew where she stood with her teacher.

I’ve learned the stress of so much social interaction on a very immature soul and psyche, is a real burden. Both Eli and Andi had to put themselves out there as a friend and classmate. They entered knowing no one and tried to make friends, measure up.

As every friend carried their life into the kindergarten arena, worlds collided. My kids learned new words, some of them unhelpful, and different ways of being a family. They endured scorn for eating beef jerky and broccoli one day, and then asked for extra red peppers to share with their friend so they could trade for her cookie, the next. They wondered if in fact they’d rather go to Adventure Club after school care instead of coming home with their mom. They had to weigh what they saw and heard in the experiences of their friends with what they knew from growing up in our family. I cannot imagine the conversations going on in their little heads.

Eli’s kindergarten Halloween

Andi with her friend Avery at her 6th bday party in April- almost through kindergarten, she had two school friends as well as some church and neighborhood friends come to the party.

As their parents, we tried to be attentive, safe, and unconditionally loving. I failed often at one or all three- only adding pressure, instead of alleviating it. Sometimes our expectations were too high that they would be respectful bus riders, attentive and hard working students, and caring friends for 8.5 hours a day. Other days, we felt sure we could encourage more effort in any direction- believing our kids to be capable and sturdy- smart and sweet, but sometimes lazy or distracted kiddos.

I learned about labels. Kids call each other names or assign levels of prestige at very young ages. Labels like, “She’s my BEST friend”,  “He’s the MOST POPULAR kid“, “They have to go to the safe seat almost every day”, “She has ‘autitism’ and I really like her”, to “No one likes me”or “They said my hair looks silly since it’s short”, would sound out of after school stories. My kids were guilty perpetrators and bummed out victims. I saw Andi’s self confidence shake and Eli turn to silliness instead of face the pain.

Kindergarten challenged Eli and Andi in their belief that they are beloved. That no matter what and always, they are God’s child and our kid, and are so, so loved. Rooted and established in Love, we pray they would be free to give love extravagantly, that they would have eyes to see kids who are left out and all alone and come alongside to help and befriend. We pray they would care about how others are feeling and how they can help more than want to win. It’s here that we have hopes and here that we remember how little and young they are. Time will offer chances for them to choose to grow, to care, to help, to love.

Kindergarten helped me learn humbly how many ways there are to do family, friendship, and faith. Kindergarten helped me learn to let other people help me with my kids in ways I lack expertise and energy (ie: using scissors, writing forward 5’s, or amphibians).

Kindergarten helped me learn to trust my kids to live out what they know deep inside best they can. Kindergarten helped me learn how tough and smart and helpful and friendly (teacher words for them) they are when they’re trying their best, engaging their minds, and wriggling their buns while waving their hands high in the air.

I’m thankful we had Tiffany Ridge to wade us into the elementary school waters. We will change schools next year since we moved. However, since I’ve learned so much because of kindergarten, I’m ready to move on.

I have three wonderful children. I am unbelievably blessed to be their mom and am not grateful enough for the gift they are to me and the world. I humbly, and with trepidation, write to celebrate their three-ness and perhaps our done-ness.

Last week Drew took the infant, bucket car-seat to the trash. The two-toned blue Graco served us well for 8 years and 3 kids. It was given to me pre-Eli at a shower by generous Young Life friends. Andi snuggled in just fine in her pink cuteness and rode bold in ole blue. We plucked it out of storage and wiped it clean for Oakley who rode in it “illegally” (the plastic is only ‘safe’ for 6 years) but very safe and snuggly for 16 strong months. To toss it out (recycling is virtually impossible- thanks for researching so well Kris!), marked the end of the baby era in yet another profound way.

Andi in the Graco Blue- 10 days old

Oaks ready to ride- 3rd day of life