A Beautiful Disaster

It was my Aunt Nancy who had the great idea, and the internet savvy energy, to get us all together in Colorado over Christmas. In August, she painstakingly and thoughtfully booked a beautiful home for 21 family members near Breckenridge, CO.

Before Labor Day weekend, the idea was proposed and instated, to draw one name per person and give an intentional, thoughtful and perhaps even homemade present to one other person in the family. The family began collecting pictures, mixing soap salts, sewing napkins, knitting scarves, jerking beef, and writing stories.

By October, we were assigned to cooking teams of mixed family members, no couples on a team- as per family tradition. Uncle Bill was deemed wine steward and utility man.  Menu ideas circulated, ideas were shared, and  palates tantalized.

November and December brought excitement, preparation, and packing. We couldn’t wait to travel and be together. My family loaded into the minivan with trusty (patient, flexible and gracious) travel companions Laura and James. We landed in Colorado late Friday night at my sister Natalie’s home. She and her husband John welcomed us with warmth, beauty, comfort and extravagance in details from kid beds to breakfast bagels in their awesomely remodeled, sleek, and warm new kitchen!

We spent the first weekend with my Dad and Grandma Sustad. We were able to meet a sweet and special woman my dad has started dating. With a divorce 2 years old and a separation 5 years aged, most of the emotion of my parent’s split has been expressed. However, sneaky and unsuspecting feelings and fears sometimes rear  their heads. Despite some muddled confused emotions, the trepidation I had going into the gatherings were smoothed over, and the success of the weekend was palatable. Precious times around a piano at my Grandmas. Generous and bountiful meals. Heatlth and happiness of my Dad. Connection and closeness as a Sustad-Sibling-and-Spouse 8 was superb.

The transition from Dad-side to Mom-side occurred Sunday night and mountain adventures began Monday morning.

After a great day of skiing at Copper Mountain with my Dad, brother, James and Drew, the car we were in, my mom’s ‘96 Avalon , blew shocks 5 miles away from the rented house. We called for a ferry ride from John and his life-saving truck.

While sitting on the side of the road, we heard from the others, who were stuck on the mountain road in our mini-van. Four children, 2 women and a van-load of stuff packed up from Denver (mostly presents and food!)  were side-lined on the snowy and steep-enough road. Eventually the van was tugged by a kind guy named Andy who assured them he loves an opportunity to use his straps and strong truck.

The van  would spend the night on the side of the road, as the drive way of the beautiful home was beautifully- and unconquerably- steep. Minivan with bare tires:  fail.

Monday night- Night one in the mountain house: December 23rd. Mid-dinner prep- team 1 rocking it with grilled burgers!, the downstairs toilet- serving 13 lower level inhabitants- overflows. This immediately backs up and spews sewage. Not clean toilet water, but disgusting, raw sewage. As the dank climbed their calves, my sister and brother mopped, and toweled, and caught the mess from ruining carpet and the evening.

Soon discovered: The fallout: a complete septic shut-off. The water to the house was completely cut off and NO liquids were to be put down any drains, sinks, or toilets- fear of another sewage spill-out was dauntingly fresh. Undaunted by the challenge however, my 83 year old Grammy said, “Good thing I wore my warm jammies. What snow should I use? The front snow or the back snow to go potty? Does someone have boots I can borrow?”

We went into full camping mode with mostly pleasant, playful, and giggly attitudes. Scot and James gathered snow in stock pots. I boiled some and offered drinks with small pine needle floaties. I went in to check on the sleeping kids- who had gone to bed a little thirsty!- and found that Eli had gotten sick. I could gather most of the mess in the blanket and dump it. Surprising but not alarming. An hour later, after prepping breakfast crepe batter for the morning (no water needed- milk and eggs only!), I went in to find that Eli had gotten sick once again. Shooot! A pile of puke! And now I’m a little distraught. There is no water to clean kid, carpet, or my hands. We make it through and head to bed- dry mouthed and tired!

Christmas Eve Day- December 24th. Drew and I head out mid-morning to the van on the road to assess and take action. Drew calls from beyond the snowbank in a dead-pan voice and says, “Well, bad news. The whole back of the van is crashed.” No back window. Shattered glass. Multiple body wounds- paint, lights, and bumper- all mangled. We move snow to look futilely for a note. Nothing. Just one last box of presents getting covered in snow through the open back hatch and my shocked sadness. I sit still and sad in the snow. Laura enters in empathetically. Drew’s surprise is calm but building into anger. What happened!?! A hit and run on Christmas?!

We spent the majority of the day with sadness, confusion, anger,  frustration, and “red tape”-filing a claim, making calls. No one was answering the phone or able to help as it was a holiday time of the year. Emotions of calm and collectedness gave way to outbursts of anger and lots of tears as I dealt with it throughout the day. A particularly low point was finding the whole van filled with a foot of snow by 3pm, despite our best efforts of covering it with the previously pukey red and black blanket. (Thank goodness Nat threw that bulky blanket in the packed cars!) Graciously and secretly, my mom and brother went and shoveled out the van and secured the wrap. Love and care despite my rough and sensitive emotions.

Christmas Eve was wonderful. The joy of children, the connection of family, and the tender and personal opening of the crafted Christmas gifts. We went to bed tired but full. Sleep was interrupted every Colorado night by Oakley’s inability to sleep soundly. Alas- we were tired but blessed and together.

 

Wednesday- Christmas Morning- After stocking joy and yummy breakfast, enjoying the view and newly fallen snow out the window, we gather for a family time in reflection and scripture. When the question is posed, “What can we do better to act as siblings in God’s family?”, honest and good thoughts are shared by different family members around the room. A couple of comments get personal and pointed and the meeting breaks up with some mild tension building. A side conversation ensues and comments and cares from events of the evening before and the mornings interactions are dissected. Emotions and words escalate quickly and suddenly, piercingly, a full blown fight has broken out.

I personally take responsibility for saying things I shouldn’t have in tones that were too tough. In the moment I act out of gut-reaction instead of deliberate and careful response. There is struggle and discussion, long held hurts and current challenges find air space and expression. So much is said, so much is heard. Not much is resolved. I head outside to join the sledding crew but know something hard and big has just happened.

Scot and his crew members have constructed an amazing sledding jump and hill outside. The snow is glistening and the hang time is long. It’s an epically soft landing, I’m assured. Adventure. Bravery. FUN!

 

Christmas dinner tastes delicious- beef tips, brussel sprouts, potatoes, appetizers, drinks, salad, cinnamon jello and cranberry pudding for dessert! We play games. The kids do a children’s Christmas story show with earnest involvement and childlike enthusiasm.

It’s hard to sleep with all the emotional and relational hardship that happened during the day and Oakley continues to wake frequently.

The morning holds possibility of reconciliation which doesn’t come easily. There was so much shared in the day before-exposure of our issues, faults, deep pain, years of buried frustration, questions and very current explosions of anger and blaming. I held onto hope with a heavy heart and moved into the day before us: SKI SCHOOL!Eli and Andi were headed to the hill- their first experience of skiing! We saddled up and hoped the bad luck following us so far would stay far away from our kiddos and their knees, heads, and spirits!

Copper Mountain gave us great joy! We skied with our siblings, Dad, and cousin Molly and had a blast,while Eli and Andi had a fabulous time in ski school. They both got a great handle on it and loved the experience! Things were looking up!

The rest of the time we spent in the mountains still held some dissension as such hurt, pain, and disconnection is not healed in a day. However we also enjoyed each other and time in the beauty of our surroundings. I particularly enjoyed:

-a side chat with my cousin about God’s purposes in and through people

-game playing with my grandpa- both spades and a snow-man building cootie-type dice game

-embracing family

-fabulous foods

-smiles from Oakley who lit up the room wherever he walked and wandered

-hugs and back rubs

-excellently mixed cocktails by my brother

-time in the kitchen with Team 4- Grammy, sister in law Kim and Laura. Both Laura and I learned a lot from Kim’s cooking skills, enthusiasm and confidence! We had a blast.

Through the difficulties and drama, I was convicted about my sometimes negative behavior and learned that my tongue, language and demeanor can cut to the quick, injure and discourage. While it is humbling and hard to learn, I’m thankful for the light that was shone onto dark places of my own and our family habits. The fire is indeed refining. Forgiveness and reconcilitaion are exercises in loosening one’s grip on being right, offering another undeserved grace, and freeing oneself from holding onto bitterness or pain. These are not easy or simple tasks. There is much left undone and in process even as I write today.

The cost/benefit analysis of family love and  intimacy is deep. For those we are closest to, we are apt to be most open, honest, and perhaps even evil with. Buried fears and frustrations always erupt. To have them in the open leaves  the one who holds them vulnerable, shocks the ones who had no idea or refused to see, and opens an arena for healing and reconciliation if both parties will engage.

Disengagement, withdraw, and a cutting off permanently costs everyone dearly. Engaging the refining fire, asking for help and forgiveness and looking deep within for the whys behind the whats takes time and love.

Turns out it was the septic repair man who rear ended our van. They will be paying for the repairs this next week- in full. Restitution and resolve . I can only hope our family is likewise healed, helped and beautified after the time we spent together- messy, raw, hilarious, intimate, open, intentional, and flawed- it was a beautiful disaster and all in all, we had a great time.