A Prescription for Inscription

I’m well aware I’m not the first to suggest, grasp, imply, realize, or assert that being a parent is an exercise in awareness, a waking up to anew, and a humbling “A-ha, I get it now” experience of what it is to know God as Parent.

The year Elijah was 5 and bleeding over into this, his 6 year old year, brought changes to his behavior and our relationship. As a content, agreeable, rule-following, and considerate boy his whole life, at about 5 years old, he grew up and into his own self. He started to shift out of “Mom, I need you to help me make decisions and tell me what to do“, mode towards a, “I want to figure this out myself, I have questions about almost everything you say Mom, and I’m big enough to have my own ideas and my own energy and abilities to act on them”, mode.

In the meager amount of wisdom I’ve accumulated as a parent, and through a chat with my own mom, I gathered it

was his way of separating from me so he would be ready for kindergarten. This marked a childhood maturation to celebrate and affirm. Elijah was growing up, individualizing himself, and testing out all of the confidence

Eli creates Frigits marble track greatness

and skills we had built into his life’s foundation from our family.

As much as I would like to say I’ve fully embraced this process, it’s actually been difficult at times. There

are days when no matter what I say, Eli disagrees or questions it. His confidence sometimes sounds like arrogance or ingratitude. The desire to assert his own desires or ideas comes out as disobedience or not listening. The tension: affirm this independence, yet still be the parents we need to be offering guidance, direction, encouragement, and support.

Due to their birth date arrangement, while almost 2 years apart in age, Eli and Andi will be just one year apart in school. Yes, this means right now, without any real respite, is Andi’s separation, kindergarten prep year. Her transformation and growth process looks different than Eli’s and comes with the added bonuses of newly becoming a middle child and being home all day with Oakley and me this year. Andi’s daily reality

is impacted by our newest family member- which she loves, embraces, and lives out beautifully, but also feels as a slight to the time, attention, and cuddles I can give to her.

Andi’s pre-k Christmas program

Never quite as automatically obedient, with a fiery and passionate personality, vibrant, humorous and expressive, and yet also easily angered or frustrated, Andi brings amazing energy and joy to our family. She can also hurt any one of us with her words,

attitudes, or simply by whacking us with a toy (mostly the latter blows fall only onto Eli). While always deeply expressive and sweetly and freely loving, Andi is ramping up the emblazoned attitude of late.

When she’s screaming, yelling, stomping, “humph!”ing, or crying these days it can be incredibly hard to take a deep breath and slowly and gently parent her back into calmness. However, Drew said it well a couple weeks ago when he said, “Andi really wants to be pursued.” We see Andi wanting to make sure that we will love her, stick with her, and pursue her always, no matter what; her actions or attitude cann

ot push us away. I think when she falls apart and melts down, she needs most of all for me to stay calm and cool- if I can show her I can handle her, she will feel safe and okay. If she’s asking, “Will they still love me if I…” I hope we are responding with words and consistent actions that say, “YES!”, but know there are days I haven’t had the centeredness and strength to stay calm and we’ve melted down together!

In the throws of a normal and wonderful family Saturday this weekend, there were many of these nuances present: Eli didn’t listen, questioned my facts, and forgot his manners. Andi escalated into a full-out fit with tears and flopping before 9:45am and slammed a door around 2pm. While they were all three in the bath, (yes- a precious and sweet sibling occurrence for sure!), I realized being a parent is for me a profound way to understand God’s parental love for us.

Ephesians 5:1-2 in the Message says, “Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”

Humility is hard for me. Honestly, if I’m vulnerable here, a lot of times what I really want is for my kids to say: “Thank you Mom!”, “Wow, Mom, you did this for me?!”, “Gee thanks Mom, you worked really hard to give me that and I know it cost you something”, or “Sure, I’ll obey because I trust you.” It’s hard for me to love unconditionally; it’s easier to love when I get something in return. Alas, I’m far from being a faithful imitator of God as Parent, but I did Saturday appreciate God’s love towards me.

Oakley is 3 months old!

I felt like I heard God saying, “I define and enact unconditional love always…I love you when you give me nothing in return… I love you when you forget to notice and say ‘Thank You’ for all I’ve given to you and done for you… I have ideas and commands for your life motivated by my desire to protect and provide for you- you can trust me… Stop striving to control and create everything- be dependent, letting your weakness be an arena for my strength and power to come through… Please take a nap- I know you need rest.”

God is impeccable-Parent; I am at most a tiny, flawed, human, representation of the profound Love I desire my kids to know.

I know I need to grow and mature as a mom so that I love my kids without conditions. Perhaps the first step is sitting in God’s love for me, digging deep down into it, being more free, less interested in proving things.

Could it be that I’ll be a better parent when I become a better child?

There is so much to be said about the blessing, the bustle, and the brightness of our newest family member and the associated changes to everything and all that was before!

People have so many comments about life with 3 kids. I cannot and will not blame folks- strangers and friends alike- who have something to say about their experience with the trifecta of children; I myself almost always have something to say and a comment to add!

The most common refrains, isms, and platitudes include:

1. “3 kids…have to change your defense from a man-to-man to the zone”

2. “3 kids…now you’re outnumbered!”

3. “The 3rd kid really puts you over the edge.”

4. “The 3rd kid has to be more laid back and flexible..they live their life on the go”

5. “The transition from 2 to 3 is a hard one but now that you have 3, you might as well have 4. You’ll hardly notice adding another kid”

6. “So, are you guys done? Is 3 the magic number?”

I have no answer for statement/question number 6…too early to say!

I have no great response to any of the comments so far because the newness of it all is still settling upon us. We are growing into the family we have become. Rhythms, schedules, identities, memories, habits, rituals, and beliefs will morph slightly to include who Oakley is, who Oakley has made us as the Osbornes, and what we have to do to live well as a family of 5.

So far, I’ve noticed some marked differences of my own in having 3 kids instead of 2. We were living in a pretty set way, I knew what I could expect and how things were going to go last year. We’d had 2 kids for 4 1/2 years…there was a certain normalcy established. Now, things are different- not different bad or necessarily different in that things are better now than before. Just change, plain and simple and good…change that makes us grow and makes us better. We love Oakley and what he’s done to shake us up, move us forward, and show us joy. Here are a few small ways however, we now live a little differently:

1. THE WRITING ON THE WALL: I haven’t written a blog in over a month. I way overshot what I would be capable of after Oakley was born. Being a pregnant mother of a 4 and 6 year old left me lots of time and energy and the aforementioned status quo schedule that I was accustomed to. While pregnant, I planned 2 big Young Life retreats, a conference call, Halloween party, and visits with family members for the first four postpartum weeks. It seemed doable with the baby on the inside and the sleep coming in 7-8 hour blocks. Living it out with a newborn, interrupted sleep, and no semblance of a normal schedule was much more difficult. What wasn’t necessary for life, limb, or my YL job got left in the dust…ie: this blog. (Case in point: as I write this paragraph Oakley is crying on his way to a nap (hopefully) and I have phone call from my boss to return. I’ve left the computer chair and returned 3 times already)

2. CHANGES IN THE KITCHEN: Sometimes I find myself at 9:30 in the morning, having been awake since 7:20 (after of course waking up to feed Oaks at 1am, 3am, and 5:30am) but not yet eaten anything for breakfast. More importantly I have breastfed but not drank any water…or coffee! There is lots to do and one thing often leads to 5 other things to do next. It seems I can do a bang-up job of rinsing dishes but rarely these days do the rinsed dishes find themselves all the way to the dishwasher! I have decided to give myself the gifts of just-add-water pancake mix and pre-ground coffee beans. It’s simplicity over homemade and freshly ground to get through the mornings these days.

3. WITH SIBLINGS: Oakley is loved and hugged, carried and bugged, by his adoring, busy, and proud older siblings. Having three kids in the house instead of two, having a baby in addition to a kindergartener and preschooler has meant:

-As I walk around to burp or bounce a fussy Oakley, I often walk over or into Nerf guns, a Captain America shield, and the Barbie jeep. I smile thinking of the blank- un-toyed carpet I walked with infant Eli over my shoulder!

-While nursing Oakley, I can also read a book to Andi, practice phonics with Eli,  play a game with Andi, or eat dinner with everyone. I don’t remember so much multi-tasking the first two rounds!

-The volume is high! At the same time, or in a continual fashion, we hear kindergarten stories and questions about how things work from Eli, Andi singing and Oakley crying!

-Tears abound. Oakley cries, I cried at least twice a week in the first month of his life due to hormones and the overwhelming pace of life, and Andi has entered an emotional state herself- so many tears!

-There are extra helpers- lots of low jobs can be handled by shorter people- grabbing things off the floor, running to get a bink out of the car seat etc… Eli loves to read to Oakley and does so with kindness and voice inflection. How fun that Oakley hears so many different voices throughout his days!

-Andi is my helper, shadow, and friend. She takes initiative to help Oakley with a head rub, a shush, and a binky if he’s sad and alone. She can’t stand to not hug him and kiss his head when she wakes up in the morning. She likes to remind me of reasons he might be crying: “Is his diaper clean Mom? Maybe he’s hungry or maybe he’s tired”.

-Eli acknowledges Oakley’s personhood. He hears phonics sounds in his cries and celebrates how smart he must be! He’s “training” him to “pound it” and wants him to sit up and have a place in pictures!

-When Oakley is out of his diaper and sprays a shower of pee into the air, it has found itself landing on Andi’s stickers or Eli’s schoolwork. Ooops. When Eli had a pee shower, there was nothing for it to land on but me…now we’re wetting perfectly good papers/stickers!

-The Boppy nursing pillow is used not just for feedings but as a landing pad for Eli’s ninja moves.

-Infant baby toys have dual purpose as additions to the Barbie world Andi plays in or “Ok-go” chain reactions that Eli builds. Who knew simple toys for 1 month olds are also fun for imaginative older siblings!

-There are coughs and kisses and love and it all just gets all mixed together!

-Joy is shared not just between Drew and me as parents but with Eli and Andi as well. Daily, each of us point out cute and precious things we adore about Oakley, how much we love him, and how happy we are that he is here.

We love the newness, celebrate the sweetness, share the chaos, and try to soak in every moment. We know from Eli and Andi’s infancy that this precious time flies fast. Indeed, that is also what “people” always say: “Pay attention, slow down, time goes so fast. They’ll be in college before you know it…”

So we will sit with you Oakley, sing to you, read to you, jump over you (carefully Eli), cartwheel for you, cuddle you, tickle you with our unbrushed morning hair, and bounce you around our full little house…caring deeply for who you are and paying attention to your brand new days. You are the third kid in our family and what we know to be true will continue to present itself. We’ll be sure to tell people how great it is to have you and that we couldn’t imagine life without you!

Last February, I realized we were in the midst of a “golden age”- the metaphorical definition: origins in Greek and Roman poetry describe a “golden age” as a period of time when people were living in a better time that was pure. For us, I realized there was a simple sacredness to the cadence, the relationships, and the expectations on our family. Mostly the gold glittered around Eli and Andi.

As 3 and 5 year-olds, they were enrolled in preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9:30-3pm. Andi had two teachers who loved her, offered grace and patience to her quirks, took joy in her vivacious spunk, and carefully carried her from a life of being home with mom to a social life with peers led by other adults. Eli was in a transitional kindergarten class with other kids who were spending their 5 year old year in preschool instead of heading to kindergarten having just turned 5. Eli’s teachers were pure GOLD- a partnership of 2 women who had taught together for 8 years and took joy in the creative freedom to plan their own curriculum to stimulate the imaginations and grow the intellectual base of their students.

While Eli and Andi were at school in great hands, I was afforded personal and professional liberty!  I got to do the work my job required without interruption or the worry that I was choosing to ignore my children to get work done. I got to work out at 10am or plan lunch meetings without trying to arrange middle of the day child care. Oftentimes, my good friend Carol would drive the kids home in the afternoon affording me even an extra 45 minutes of work time and giving the kids a special Sonic treat. The 5 year old tradition of GG days also continued last year. Grandma Gayle had both kids all day on Mondays so I could work, rest, or play myself and Eli and Andi could enjoy days together with their energetic and generous grandma!

Mostly however, the golden occurrences happened daily at home. We never had anywhere to be before 9am so E and A got into a rhythm of eating breakfast, saying bye to Daddy, and then heading back to their room to play together. Their relationship as brother and sister grew exponentially. Connecting through play and all the daily adventures together gave them a precious friendship with each other. The three of us were free to plan adventures, meet friends, enroll in gymnastics, leave town, and generally do whatever we wanted all day every day! We ate edamammae for lunch on Wednesdays at home, went to the library every other week and always stayed long enough to read a couple books while we were there, we walked to Hyvee, and played with friends on most Fridays.

Summer afforded us even more opportunities for sibling love and free play. Elijah, Andi and I swam 4-5 times a week, joined the summer reading program, I walked while Eli rode his scooter and Andi biked, and we enjoyed the Olympics.

Drew was settled into his job, I enjoyed my job and was invited to new opportunities within it, we were both getting in shape and loving our Crossfit Northland gym, and we were blessed with great family and friends close by. By the end of January, we were overjoyed to find out we were pregnant!  There were so many simple, joyful, routines and relationships in our year.

And now, it seems a bit of the gold has lost its glimmer. Just last week, Elijah went to kindergarten. A huge yellow school bus scooped him up and carried him off at 8am and didn’t bring him back until 4pm. Most alarming is the shocking reality that this yellow terror (yes- too strong of a word) will come EVERY day, taking him away from home and to school, Monday- Friday, leaving Andi and me alone, at home!

You might be able to tell I had a hard week last week.

Yes, I am excited for Eli to start school. He showed himself to be ready- he’s socially enthusiastic, figured out how to start reading on his own this summer, is motivated to learn and was excited to start in a new place. Last Tuesday night, he couldn’t fall asleep. His mind raced with what the next day would hold. He never wavered from being excited and confident. Wednesday morning, he couldn’t wait to get out the door and to the bus stop to meet the older neighbors whose rank of school attenders he’d finally be joining. We did a special breakfast (good friend Melissa showed up as the bagel fairy!), prayed for him on the back deck, dressed him up spiffily, and walked as a family to the bus stop.

When the bus pulled up, Elijah ran right for it. I whipped around to Drew as my eyes immediately filled with tears, “We just let him go?!”, I fretted. Not waiting for his answer, I ran across the street and grabbed Eli for one more blessing and hug. He was grinning from ear to ear and I held it together for him at that point. When the bus pulled away, his face was beaming from the window as he waved furiously. He was off and I was undone.

Luckily, Melissa was still around to take Andi back to the house so they could color with her very own “my brother went to kindergarten today so I got new glitter crayons” crayons. I asked Drew if he could sit with me on our bench outside for a few minutes. I needed holding and help to process. I just kept thinking it was so unfair that he had to go to school EVERY day now. Yes, I had relished the freedom of last year’s school days but that was only twice a week- a much more sane arrangement if you ask me. He had learned letter sounds, simple math, and how to read by the end of the pre-K year- what more could he need to learn that he had to be somewhere ALL DAY, EVERY DAY now? Was he going to have friends? Someone to eat lunch with? Was his teacher going to take my place as the leading lady in his life? Would he learn bad words like “butt” or “shut-up” and want to eat chicken poppers in the cafeteria on Wednesdays as Andi and I sat home eating edamammae? Would he like it so much that he didn’t need Andi and me anymore?

He finally got home Wednesday afternoon and was still beaming- just slightly worn down by the long day. He said the bus was fun but so noisy- he couldn’t believe how many kids were talking on the bus! He said his teacher was older than the other teachers but she was really nice. He loved the two recesses and the game with the ball that would go in one hole and surprise you with the hole it would fall out of each time. There was hardly any work, just rules and routines that first day. He had no problems eating lunch and made friends, but didn’t know their names just yet. Once again, Wednesday night, he couldn’t sleep. His mind was replaying the day, his dreams of new friends, a day with peers and a whole new world to explore had all come true thanks to that ride on the yellow bus.

Thursday was the worst for me. Andi and I spent the day alone at home together. Reality hit really hard. The house was so quiet! (Later when I told Eli about our quiet he said, “Well yes Mom because I’m your question asker-guy and I was at school!”) Andi left breakfast and went back to her room to play alone. I had two conference calls and instead of knowing the kids were faring for themselves TOGETHER, I had to make sure Andi could fill the time by herself- a whole new layer of guilt and balancing kids and working from home settled back onto my shoulders.

I cried while Andi rested in the afternoon. I spent that time grieving what we had lost. Despite so much to celebrate for Eli and the newness to embrace,  I needed some time to realize what was gone. The golden days of daily, simple, sibling play were gone. The unrushed rhythm of mornings that start at 9am are now replaced with structured lunch making, dressing early, shoe-tying mornings that must be finished by 7:55am. Instead of knowing what he does all day and having all the say in what happens- I don’t control any of his day past 8am or after 4pm, and only know what he tells us when he comes home. So many new influences are pressing in on his life. Can I trust that the good influences will take precedence and that he’ll know how to flee from the negative ones? When he came home from school Thursday, he headed straight to the backyard with friends without saying hi to Andi or me. Later, inside he told Andi to stop following him around. It seemed he had grown up and out of our little threesome from last year in 2 days! He hardly talked to me about the day and couldn’t wait to go back.

He can’t wait to go there and I found myself wanting to keep him here. The tug and tension seemed so severe. I had to remind myself of all the families I know that have been through this momentous kindergarten send off thing and who still have families who are in tact, siblings who are friends and allies, and relationships between moms and sons that are still close.  I also realized I’ve come through the shock, disillusionment, and life reorientation of being a first time mom to a brand new baby, I could make it through this as well. Just like that “first”, I believe I will come out having been matured, released of  superfluous worry, and relieved of unnecessary mental and behavioral stress. I will muddle my way through the newness of the moment, learning what is important and what’s not, and leaving the rest just to be.

Andi and I will make it through. She has the opportunity to make her own friends, live into her own desires and interests, and grow up more into herself. She will start preschool in about a month that will meet three mornings a week. Then, about 2 weeks after preschool starts, we will welcome a new sibling into our family! The changes are far from over for our family this fall. Eli’s flight from home was just the beginning of the growth and transformation that will characterize the rest of 2012. We don’t know the gender of this new baby so the gold that has turned yellow will be tinted blue or pink come early October!

Yesterday’s sermon refrain was that the headline of my life is “GOD”- not me creating life myself but knowing that God is taking care of me, watching over me, advocating, providing, sustaining, and loving me and our family. Yellow school bus, I do not fear you!

Eli- as you pioneer for our family, thank you for your boldness. You are a personable, friendly, compassionate, socially astute, people person. You have an uncanny ability to realize what is going on around you and appreciate the people involved. When you were 2 1/2, you asked adults about their day. As a toddler you were interested in relationships- who was married to who and who was her sister? You are energized by being around people and invite others to participate in your constantly creative and constructive play. May kindergarten feed your passion for learning about life and letters, grow your concern for friends and give you the opportunity to forgive foes. May your respect for authority and your willingness to be led develop so that you are a humble and respectful student. May your identity be solidified in Christ and your confidence be secure- you are a smart and loved child who can question, be curious, and take risks. May you always always know that you have a foundation of family at home who loves you, cheers you on, supports you and welcomes you back every day- no matter what.

Thank you Gold for the year that was 2011-2012. We welcome you Yellow.

I will walk into this new season with faith and refuse to be overwhelmed. I look forward to what will come with new routines, new friends, and a new family member. Thanks for letting me process and whine, mourn and weep- I’ll move on now.

PS- This JUST in. In an astounding turn of events, as I neared the end of writing this morning, I went upstairs to find Eli in a funk. He couldn’t finish breakfast and wouldn’t put on his shoes when it was time to head toward the bus. Instead of finding shoes, he found the toilet and thew up. Turns out, this kindergarten thing might not happen every day- day 4 is now a sick day! Eli and Andi and I will be home together today! I called an attendance line for the first time ever.  The couch calls- I must go cuddle with my new adventurer who is grounded for just one more day.

It all started with what I’ve started calling, the “Change your life Chicken” recipe from Contessa that is a Valentine’s time tradition in our life and marriage. On Feb 18th, Drew and I were cooking together. We put together a pretty great meal for a pretty ordinary family Saturday night. With the table almost set and the the food finishing (roasted, mashed butternut squash, salad and the Parmesan encrusted chicken), Drew said “This is such a nice dinner. It feels like we should be celebrating something.” Eli and Andi were both underfoot in the kitchen and Eli piped up immediately saying, “Are we celebrating? What are we celebrating?!” Drew caught my eye and whispered, “What if we just told them?” I nodded. Eli’s keen eye caught the exchange and he persisted, “What? What are we celebrating? When will you tell us?” Drew lit the three candles we’ve had on the table since Vday (red, pink, and white) and Andi took her seat to speed up the process. Hot food set, anxious children wiggling in their chairs, and parents without a distinct plan-we set about sharing the surprise celebration news. Drew said, “Well…” and I jumped in..

L- “How many candles are lit here?”

E and A- “Three”

L- “Yes. And how many kids do we have in our family?”

E and A- “Four”

L-“Not people. Just kids”

E and A- “Two”

L-“Welllll (drawing it out for obvious dramatic effect), pretty soon we are going to have this many kids in our family-  3 kids like there are 3 candles!”

(their faces spread into slow smiles and their eyes literally lit up, their words were few, and after a few quick moments, both their eyes and heads dropped simultaneously to my stomach)

D-“Mommy is pregnant! Do you know what that means?”

A-“That you have to have a baby in your tummy Mommy!!!”

L-“Yes, and do you know what that means for you and Andi, Eli?”

E-“That we’re going to have a brother!”

A-“Or a sister!”

D-“Yes. We don’t get to choose but we will love the baby whether it is a girl or a boy. You will both get to be a big brother and a big sister”

A-“Mommy, are we going to keep it?”

L-“Yes Andi. Of course”

A-“I’m going to play with her all the time. We are getting to have a baby Eli!”

L and D-“It takes a long time to grow a baby in Mommy’s tummy. The baby will not come out until after Andi’s birthday, after Castaway, after Eli’s birthday, and even after you start kindergarten Eli”

E-“Oh wow. That’s a long time.”

D-“Are you guys excited?”

E and A-“Oh yea”

We went on to talk names- Cutie, Sarah, Boo-yah, and various of their friends’ names came quickly to mind. We kind of like Baby Boo-ya for the pregnancy name of this baby. Thanks for that Eli.

The looks on their faces- joy, complete surprise, shock, excitement and childlike wonder brought tears to my eyes immediately. It was precious- where was our video camera?!

Drew and I had known for about 3 weeks that we were expecting a third child. This time was so different from Eli and Andi who’s conceptions were absolute surprises. To have planned and tried for this baby was a new experience and our joy was great. We had meant to keep it quiet and not share with Eli and  Andi until we were out of the miscarriage danger zone or until we were more ready to share with others. However, the mood and moment of that night in February was too good to pass up.

How sweet it was to share this precious news with the ones that will bear the journey and the life with this new life inside me. I was humbled to share with the ones who have first taught me to be a mom , the two who have let me make mistakes and learn from them so that I’ll be a mom who’s grown a little bit for this new little one.

Turns out “Change your life Chicken” was the perfect menu item for such a night. Elijah and Andi’s life will be changed by the news we shared with them at the table, in the candle light, that night. Our family will change as we grow and we cannot contain the expectation and excitement that we feel for this third gift.