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Rice and Water

Rice!

Rice!

There are stories of Thanksgiving feasting a plenty. My kids both came home last Tuesday with thoughts of pilgrims and native people, and turkey feathered headbands with small scrawls of people and things for which they are thankful.

As long as I can remember Thanksgivings, I remember, Rice and Water. My mom came up with the idea to limit ourselves in observance of others on Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. Aware of the great excess with which we lived as Americans, Mom wanted us to realize most of the world survived on rice and water, or even less. While we would spend the next day sitting around a feast of orange rolls, green bean casserole, turkey and cranberry sauce, many would toil, fall ill, go hungry, or die. I’m very grateful now, she fought to help us enter into the experience of others, even if only by empathetic eating.

Mom would cook rice and offer minimal toppings- some spices, cream soups, or simply salt. We would eat the rice and drink water for dinner. That was it. Just rice in a bowl and glasses of water. The four of us kids would whine, moan, complain, and get creative. Undaunted in her pursuit of bringing mindfulness, compassion, and meaning into our holiday, Mom would indulge our ideas as long as we didn’t change the menu. There were years we ate with chop sticks, sitting on the floor, with no silverware at all, added hot tea as an option, or invited friends into the experience.

After “dinner”, we would usually head out to a church event. Which, for some reason in the Evangelical Covenant tradition, was a pie social after a service of Thanksgiving. We would wander around a room full of Christians and crispy crusts, salivating and feel sorry for ourselves. I cannot remember cheating, sneaking, or taking food later into the night on Rice and Water Wednesdays. I do remember moving bed time up earlier so the hunger was put to sleep.

As adults, we have carried this tradition into extended family gatherings. My aunt added ritual content to the meal and asked us all to research a country who ate rice and then pray for that country throughout the year. At giant adult thanksgivings with my family, Wednesday night has usually been pie making night. Oh how tempting to taste test! Different family members feel different levels of commitment and enjoyment. All gluten free members rejoice! Last year in Colorado, we ate on the floor of my mom’s living room in a circle. Drew and Eli ate with their shirts off, just like people who eat rice, in warmer climates?!

This year, wanting to make sure we marked the Thanksgiving week with memories and experiences friendly to a mostly adult family group, but also hospitable to shaping the lives of my kids, I offered to host “dinner” at our house Wednesday night… I did it, I had pitched “Rice and Water” to the in-laws.

Rice and Water doesn’t thrill folks outright. Upon reading my email invite, I think many members of the Osborne family probably grumbled and checked their schedules, hoping for a really busy Wednesday night. Excited about it or not, the whole gang was willing as they often are to indulge my ideas- I am very lucky to have gracious, flexible, thoughtful in-laws! They offered to bring something or help but I had it under control. The meal was really JUST rice, and water. I did at the last minute, borrow Korean chopsticks from our friends the Meyers which added to the authenticity of the engagement.

As people showed up and gathered in our kitchen, Eli remarked, “This really feels like a party Mom.” When asked why we do Rice and Water, Andi said, “Because a long time ago there were people who had to only eat rice and nothing else.” She is a little confused between the “long time ago” stories of Thanksgiving and the right now humanitarian plight. However, both knew it was a time of thinking of others. Oakley loves a good gathering of people and practiced his walking during the living room dinner- sharing big smiles and laughs- joy and simplicity right in front of us.

The gathering was refreshingly different, simple, relaxed, and meaningful. We ate in the living room, slowly with the chopsticks, and didn’t eat a whole bunch. The bulk of the night was conversation. Drew and I asked sharing prompts and people shared- with honesty, conviction, hope, and hurt.

Eli and Andi went first in answering a sharing prompt.

Andi, How would you feel if you didn’t have enough food every day?  …”Umm, not healthy and sad.”

Eli, What should every kid in the world have the chance to do? …”Get exercise, eat, go to school.”

As adults, we discussed around these thoughts:

Tell about a time when you’ve experienced a limit or simplicity.

How do we live in excess at the expense of those with much less? What do we do?

Tell about a time you spent in a foreign country without resources such as food and clean water.

What place in the world tugs at your heart? What needs/agony in that place can we lift up in prayer?

Who is someone you know personally who suffers currently? How can/do you enter in?

How do you love an enemy?

By the end, after we prayed, my heart was heavy for the needs and the pain of people and places who suffer. My heart was also full after sharing a night, quiet, simple, and vulnerable with people I love. I really do think eating rice in my house can make a difference in the world. We left a little inspired, and a little hungry.

 

 

 

A Blessing Baptized

Pledging to do our best as parents to show you Christ,  Oaks.

Pledging to do our best as parents to show you Christ, Oaks.

We are now three-for-three in marking our kids: gifts from God, freely, abundantly, and preemptively given God’s grace, welcomed into God’s family. Oakley was baptized yesterday, 11-17-13 at Jacob’s Well Church.

We gathered for “Bagels and Blessings Before the Baptism” at Panera with our small group friends and precious family. Oakley felt the attention, the emotion and the excitement even then. He was all smiles in the high chair there.

Fingers smeared with cinnamon crunch, we read and signed in support, the affirmations of infant baptism that direct Drew and me. Here’s a glimpse at what we affirmed and acted upon yesterday: 

Oakley's God-family

Oakley’s God-family

 

Infant baptism is a covenant sacrament in that God’s action initiates and secures the grace conferred through the sacrament. Before we have the chance to respond and come to God, God extends the invitation to us to live life in God’s reality.

By baptizing Oakley today, we affirm that God loves him and freely extends saving grace towards him, and so names Oakley, a child of God. Baptism also confers on Oakley, invitation to become a part of the people of God. By bringing Oakley to the font today, we, his parents are promising our intent to raise him within the Body of Christ. 

Oakley, with Jacob’s Well Church, we believe:

  • Your baptism is a mark of God’s initiative of grace extended towards you before you can choose or respond in any way
  • God claims you as God’s own
  • Your baptism will serve to remind you of who you are and whose you are
  • God ever loves and pursues you- God redeems and restores you-may your baptism remind and assure you of these truths.
  • Our community is here to celebrate the communal, inclusive, and familial bond of Christ for you
  • Baptism offers a tangible experience of God’s saving grace, extended and available to you

You are baptized into the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. (Matthew 28:19) You are invited up and into the dance of love always and ever occurring inside the Godhead. 

At the church, additional members of Oakley’s “family” joined us in the pews. Eli and Andi were excited and focused on the event and were most honored to stand up in front of the church as siblings and previously-baptized blessings.

As parents, community, and church, we confessed our dependence on Christ to help us raise our children up in grace, love, and God. We confessed we would seek community, invest outside ourselves, and steward the life of this child, given to us. Then Oakley Andrew Osborne was baptized by God- three parts in One, with water- marking him with life, tangibly touching him with an invitation to grow up and into the relationship he was born to have.

Blessings Be Upon You Baby.

Blessings Be Upon You Baby.

Afterwards, Oakley wore the water well. When so many people who

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit

loved him, offered him smiles, held hands out in hugs, and cheered for him, he couldn’t help but freely feel full joy.

Our hope and prayer is that the innocent, unencumbered, completely un-threatened, whole-hearted, full-faced, JOY, Oakley felt yesterday, defines his life in Christ as he lives in this world.

Full of Joy

Full of Joy

Washed in wonder!

Washed in wonder!

 

 

A Letter

Messages of hate,  shaming lies, accusations of misbehavior, exaltation of ego and power, ignorance of right and wrong, name calling, finger pointing, backlash, deceit, injustice, malice, and confusion surround the now very public case of sexual crimes in a small town north of where I live about 65 miles.  A case was built but then dropped months ago and a newspaper story has brought it back to light. When Drew and I read about it in our local paper, our hearts ached and our heads filled with questions and concerns. It seemed the justice system was more focused on excusing the wrong than protecting the victims. We felt angst and agony for a family who had lost so much and struggled severely when such a personal pain became so publicly debated, criticized, and contended.

Having suffered physical and emotional abuse during the actual crime, and then the social degradation of herself and her family in the months that followed in a small town setting, the torture this girl endures in her head is undoubtedly consuming. The original newspaper article said she had attempted suicide more than once. Makes me sickeningly sad.

The morning I read it, I thought about writing a letter. Writing to a family to express sadness and support in any small way. It seemed they had received enough menacing meanness from strangers that perhaps a stranger with a message of a simple “I’m so sorry” and “We read your story and our hearts hurt” would help. Despite having the idea, I hesitated. Who am I to think I have something worthwhile to say? Why listen to a stranger? What if they don’t share faith and have too hurt too much to hope? It’s probably not my place to say anything… 

It’s been a week ago now and I haven’t written the letter; I did find a possible mailing address. Today, I’m using this post as a draft of what I might say to someone I don’t know, to whom I haven’t earned the right to say anything, about  a situation that is so painful, muddled, and public that there isn’t really anything to say that can fix it…alas, here is what I might say if I did write:

To a Loved Little Lady-

I am so, so sorry for all you’ve suffered. You have been lied to and abused, injured and violated, taken advantage of and humiliated. The actions and choices of others have no doubt negatively impacted your body, mind, and soul. Not only you, but your family as well,  suffers the fallout consequences of painful wrongs. Your innocence has been stolen but your identity and future need not be shattered.

What has happened to you does not define who you are. You are defined outside of your circumstances by the love with which you were created and in which you are sustained. You are a precious person- no mistake, yours or another’s, changes your invaluable worth.  Just the way you are, you have gifts, talents, abilities and a future.

Personally, I believe in a loving God who created people for loving relationships with God, other people and oneself. The God I believe in is the opposite of evil, lies, abuse, degradation, and hate. God stands on the side of the helpless, the suffering, the victims, and the belittled, and offers peace and presence in the midst of pain. God hears the cries of those who seek justice. 

When people who knew God really well had something to say, whether it was anger, indignation, shock, surprise or worship- they cried out to God. Some of their cries sounded like this:

“Lord- you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will listen to their cries and comfort them. You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed, so people can no longer terrify them” Psalm 10:17-18

“God is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit”. Psalm 34:18

“The Lord lifts the burdens of those bent beneath their loads...He cares for the orphans and the widows, but he frustrates the plans of the wicked.” Psalm 146:8-9

Jesus, who lived on earth like us to show what God is like, lifted up women who were tossed out by their town (John 4:1ff, 8:1-11), degraded by men (Luke 7:36ff), or stuck in agony (Mark 5:24ff). Jesus wept with families who grieved (John 11:35) and restored hope to families who had suffered greatly.  Jesus came not to condemn but for love.  Jesus lifted up the cause of the widow and the left out. When everyone else was judging who he hung out with and why, Jesus was relentless in his pursuit of people who needed love the most. God sent Jesus to live and to heal, restore, revive, rebuild, and raise up the hope of the anguished, to bring peace to the persecuted.

You are a beloved child. Your life matters. You were created with purpose and are designed to live life as it is fully meant to be lived. You are cherished and deserving of love, respect, honor, and esteem.

May you hear the voice of the Advocate who whispers, “You can overcome. Do not fear. Do not believe the lies. You are okay. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are important.  You will make it. ” in times when the voices of disrespect and violation seek to seep in your head or fill your heart.  

May you have the confidence and power to walk, run, play, live, risk, adventure, dance, sing, learn and teach, daily. I wish you healing and hope, peace and love. May you be free from what has come before, to live loved into what’s ahead. 

With humble thanks for hearing me out, 

Lindsey

Off the cuff and out of my head with what time I had today, this is a bit of what I believe and what I think. But will it send?

 

 

All that’s Fair and Who is Good

In Matthew 20, the parable of the vineyard workers, Jesus tells a story about what God’s heart and the world under God’s reign and rule (read: kingdom) is like.

For context, all of chapter 20 is a lesson in humility. First this parable, then Jesus’ admission of the ever-more-imminent suffering and death in his future, next, a mom clamoring for status for her sons in the hierarchy that she believes might dominate even the ranks of Jesus’ disciples, and finally, the only people who have eyes to see (heads to understand and souls that believe) are blind people! For Jesus the teacher, this is an exhausting chapter- hadn’t anyone been listening at all in the previous 19 chapters?!

Concentrating within the vineyard worker parable in 20:1-16, I love the challenges and the revelation of Jesus’ upside down way to run a business, work a job, view our peers, and drop the scales.

Matthew 20- Upside Down and Inside Out

Invitation via Pursuit…

The landowner heads to the marketplace to invite workers to his field. He goes FOUR different times, extending the invitation for work. The workers don’t have to come begging at his door- he goes to them.

Work that’s more than Work…

When the workers go to the vineyard, they receive promise of “a fair day’s wage” as well as purpose and community. When he invites the last workers (verse 6 and 7), I hear him saying, “I don’t need you as much as you need this…go and work with your hands, join the others- be a part of something bigger than yourself that’s creating something. We shouldn’t work alone. Come, join in”

Payment with a Purpose…

In verse 8, the landowner clearly directs the foreman to pay the workers their wage by paying the last ones hired first, and then the earliest ones hired, last. Everyone will know what others are being paid- a socially unacceptable move today- we don’t ask each other how much we make. You’ll find out why in the next verses…

When it becomes clear ALL workers will be paid the SAME EXACT AMOUNT, the longest tenured workers are outraged- they were paid for a whole day the same as people who worked for one hour!?! It’s not fair!

I’m with the workers on this one. I get that this is a story about God’s kingdom, and I know it’s upside down, different than our world, but I’m right-brain dominate, type A, transactional in my thinking, and more truth than grace generally, so I read this and think, “This is not right. It makes NO sense.”  In America’s free market economy, which honors hard work and personal productivity, this is nonsensical. My mind is blown, my insides are twisty.  You simply cannot pay everyone the same- it doesn’t add up.

What is Fair and Who is Good?…

The longest workers are admonished by the landowner: called out for being jealous, envious, and for making a judgment call that wasn’t theirs to make. He rebuffs their protest and refuses to give any legitimacy to their claim of unfairness.

It is not up to the workers to decide what is fair or to rank the efforts and contributions of others. The heart of the landowner is revealed, and he doesn’t weigh things on the world’s scale. Worth and dignity are not handed out only to those who work the hardest, but to those who are picked last.

The long, hard workers have a choice- harbor bitterness? or choose to trust? Yes, it wasn’t fair, it didn’t make sense, but the landowner is good.

With Jesus, we must be willing to risk our own efforts not being rewarded. We might be befuddled by others being lifted up and us being left out, and in that loneliness, the raw place of being “wronged” or cheated, we must trust, in his great, great kindness.

We need not be jealous, he is kind.

When we are last, we will be first. When we get the chance, we must look for the chance to lift up the last, or at least get out of the way for Jesus to move them to the front. It’s not fun to go from first to last but that is the invitation I read in Matthew 20.

When I am last, I connect better with Jesus, who is kind.

I can be last, because He is GOOD.

 

 

 

 

 

To 11 Years!

I’m headed to the Gateway Region Young Life Fall Staff Conference this week.  Each fall, as the school year begins, my job changes, restarts, and begins anew as well. I have completed 11 years of vocational ministry- two years full time and the rest part time. This fall is the beginning of my 8th year serving as the Regional Training Coordinator and my 12th year on the Young Life staff.  For the 3rd time in 12 fall staff conferences, I elect to not spend the night in order to breastfeed my baby. I am torn between loving retreats- the focus of time away and the saturation of community- and the once in a lifetime opportunity to feed Oaks. The blessing of the retreat being local is I can do it all!

Awesome Platte Co leaders 2010

Awesome Platte Co leaders 2010

I love the ministry of Young Life. I feel so privileged to have spent my professional life serving inside and being shaped by this mission. I fully believe the heart of Young Life reflects the heart of Christ and the purpose of Young Life is an essential one: sending caring adults to invest in the lives of teenagers as friends and mentors as they navigate the throes of adolescence: figuring out their identity, where and how they belong, and YES!- that they matter- to the world and to the God of the universe who created them and always and ever pursues them.

I had only dated Young Life before I came on staff. I met Young Life while dating Drew in college and was invited into the leadership community of his team at Oak Park with the likes of Brad and Melissa Voigt, Sara Breedlove, and Brad and Sam Anderson. Brett Hersma was the Regional Director. Brett took a chance on hiring me with no real Young Life experience and sent me to Savannah, MO where I began the staff journey.

For 11 years, I’ve been shaped by what’s been said to me or what I’ve read. My peers on the YL staff are amazing people and the kids I’ve become friends with are just awesome. Off the top of my head, here are a few, mostly recent isms about YL and my job on staff. This short list in NO WAY begins to capture the wealth of wisdom, the conglomeration of comments, and the whispers of the Spirit I’ve collected over the years.

YL_9251_Logo_PrimaryAlt_03

 

Here are 11 quotes that sit in my head (today)

and remind me why I do what I do and how Jesus moves in this ministry. 

1. “Young Life is not in the business of taking bad kids and turning them into good kids. Young Life is in the business of taking dead kids and bringing them back to life“- Pat Goodman, New Staff Training, August 2002

2. “I was telling a counselor my story and he said, ‘With all that has happened to you, you shouldn’t even be alive. How have you overcome? Survived?’ and so I told him, “Because of Young Life and my leaders.– Lauren, Fall, 2007

3. “Young Life is an outgrowth of the conviction that Jesus Christ is everything that kids want most, if they just knew it- the most wonderful, the most attractive, the strongest, most gracious, loving person this world has ever seen.. If only every high school kid in this great land could come to know Him! It’s up to us to show them what they’re missing. Let’s keep at it! “...“O Lord Jesus, give us the teen-agers, each one at least long enough for a meaningful confrontation with Thee. We are at best unprofitable servants, but Thy grace is sufficient. O Thou, Holy Spirit, give us the teenagers, for we love them and we know them to be awfully lonely.”– Jim Rayburn, YL’s founder,  praying at a staff conference in the early days around YL’s founding in 1941

Lauren Ashley Payton. My good friend- we met when she was a sophomore in high school in 2004. Now she's getting married in less than two months! Yay LAP!

Lauren Ashley Payton. My good friend- we met when she was a sophomore in high school in 2004. Now she’s getting married in less than two months! Yay LAP!

4. “Lindsey, you are a lot of work, and yet I am never tired of you. I will always want to be with you and will advocate for you. You are loved no matter what and always will be. I never want a break from you.” God, speaking to me in the leader lounge at Crooked Creek in June 2010.

I was there with 14 high school girls, excited to have a break from Eli, almost 3,  and And, just 2, while they spent the week in the loving and capable care of my mom. They were busy and a lot of work in that season- I was sure I would enjoy the break. However, by night 2, at the leader meeting, I came undone. I missed them. I wanted out of camp and to be back with my kids. That’s when the Spirit spoke to me about the unfathomable, unstopping, perfect, parental love of God, expressed in Christ, for me. I spent the rest of the week trying to share the truth of that love with those 14 friends of mine in the cabin.

Mads and Haley- in my Crooked Creek cabin of 2010

Mads and Haley- in my Crooked Creek cabin of 2010

5. “Ministry is like the potter’s wheel. We put ourselves on the wheel as clay- open to be molded and changed. Ministry is what God uses to shape us.– Ray Donatucci, Midwest Divisional Training Coordinator, 2011, 2013- in explaining the Training program to new staff on his “Barnstorming” tour.

6. “I’d get another part-time job in order to keep giving financially to support Young Life. I don’t want to hang out with high school students- it’s not for me- But I believe in it so much I’ll support it generously and pray for the people headed to the high school.”– a donor who led YL for awhile and found out being a volunteer leader was not for her. She now continues to generously give to me and encourages me in the reality that the whole body of Christ ministers together to reach kids. Donors do ministry!!!

7. “This is a really different Christmas. I just never knew that Christmas had anything to do with Jesus until after hearing about Jesus at camp this summer. I’m really excited.” one of my cabin girls in December of 2012. She was a junior and we sat at Panera reveling in the Love that defines Christmas- I couldn’t wait for her to experience the fullness of joy that season, for the FIRST time!

8. “I’ve quit Young Life three times.”– Lyn Tenbrink. Lyn is an all-star staff woman, currently working full time in Michigan as the Divisional Capernaum coordinator. When she spoke at a leader weekend a year ago, she encouraged me to pay attention to God’s voice calling me into different forms of ministry at different stages of life. I quit volunteer leading after 9 years…just taking a break. That’s my first “quit” and I’m getting antsy to get back in the game!

Oh Muck Fest

Oh Muck Fest

 

9. “Lindsey, you need triggers that remind you that Jesus has brought you here and is with you here.“- Tom Pruden, my boss, 2013, reminding me in moments of being overwhelmed by life as a mom and a minister, that Jesus IS and I am ok. 

10. “Whenever you’re wondering if club was a success, simply ask,  ‘Did kids have fun? Did they hear about Jesus?’ That’s all that really matters.”– Peach, perhaps passing on a Hinde-ism, about the simplicity of Young Life- letting kids be kids, loving them where they are, and sharing with them the very very Good News.

11. “I want us to have fun together. I want us to be people who pray.” Brett Hersma, at Assigned Team Training 2013, leading us to dream about who we wanted to be as a team. Indeed- my most recent Castaway assignment was filled with lots of fun with people and rich times of praying with and for others.

Shoot, I miscounted and over-thought. Here’s one more…for going forward, in year 12.

12. “We have to be excited. What are you excited about? The God of the universe has given us everything we need and we get to live each day with him. Let’s stop talking about being busy and talk about what makes us excited!” Binny Pearce, Spring 2013, celebrating her birthday and encouraging a room full of women to live into Jesus’ blessings and out for the world for Him. Binny began a good work for Young Life in Platte County and God is continuing to complete it. Binny and Bill are blessings, wise sages, and the best cheerleaders. They are a rich blessing in my life.

Castaway tableau 2013

Castaway tableau 2013

Moving forward, I’m challenged, excited, and eager. I love that my job enables me to use my gifts and my seminary degree. I’ve interviewed for other jobs twice and keep coming back to how much I feel this job fits what I am built to do and love doing- teaching, theologically and missionally, and investing in people.

For as long as I’m called and capable, I’m here and I feel grateful.

 

 

 

Castaway Hour by Hour

Here it is. Finally, my attempt to capture a sliver, a piece of the awe, a slice of the delight, and a smidgen of uncontainable amazing-ness that was Castaway, Session 2, 2013. While I was at castaway June 29-July 22nd,  there was too much life happening for me to slow down and write about it. A few weeks ago, geographically and chronologically removed, I’m tentative and cautious, afraid that if I try to write about it, it will solidify the finality and make even more apparent that so many of the experiences are too rich for words.Castaway TransportationP1030657

Alas, I must write to record. It’s my “prescription” for the “agony of endings” diagnosis for my full soul, magnificent memories, and tender spirit in reflecting on what happened and who we became because of Castaway this year.

Putting my writing into a form and giving it a theme is my coping mechanism. Brief? No and yet still incomplete. Ok, here it is:

A DAY at Castaway :

6:30am– Linds wakes up and sneaks out quietly with a water bottle and towel to coach a Crossfit workout for summer staff, random campers who woke up too early and wandered into the gym, and other brave souls who caught the bug along the way (Crossfit is sooo fun!). Biggest honor of the month came on the last morning when I got to hear that one of the property staff men who came to just two workouts, was healed from a year of loss and pain by coming to a workout and receiving the spark and reminder that our spiritual and physical selves work together to make us whole and healthy. He thanked me for my meager Crossfit efforts that God used in a mighty way for him. I’m most humbled and very honored.Lake Pelican family pic

8:00 am- Staff Breakfast. Michelle and I get the kids out the door and up the hill to the dining hall for a quick and tasty breakfast. French toast Monday and cinnamon roll/egg buffet Saturdays were my favorites.

9:00am – I lead the Summer Staff morning Bible Study  (SSBS). Sitting around with 20 or so college students discussing scriptures that showed, told us, reminded and awed us with the truth that God, always about relationships, pursues, accepts, relates to, unconditionally loves, and sends us.

10am- check in with Eli and Andi- Oaks takes a consistent morning nap the whole month! Yay! I find Eli reading a chapter book in his bunk and Andi swinging on the swing set alone or with a few little friends.

photo (4)11:30am- Staff lunch. Eat, try to feed and coordinate three kids, and relay afternoon announcements for summer staff…in 20 mins.

12:30pm– Meet with a summer staff girl for a 1:1. The chance to hear their life story, their current questions, their latest take-away from a quiet time or devo, and how much patience they are learning by working on a team here at Castaway or because they are living in a room with 11 other girls! I was reminded once again that people function in the present as a result of, or so amazingly

Right after Eli lost his first tooth!

sometimes in-spite of, their unique history. I was moved to tears to hear of many divorced, deceptive, damaged, and disrupted childhoods these girls had endured. Others told of life with great families and friends. Many were engaged in the individuality of their faith journey for the first time in the Castaway environment of serving and community. ALL these women were amazing, joyful, open, honest, and refreshing. They became my friends and I miss them each and every one. 

1:30- Life  the beach! Andi frolics and mermaid swims in the lake every day. She dives deep for rocks, combs the sand for snail shells, buries her feet, builds a castle, and runs to greet friends who are just making it down the hill. She bravely picks up dead mud puppies and delivers them to the lifeguards who hold out their bucket at a full arms length to receive Andi’s bold deposit!

2:30- Life at the beach! Eli invites a similarly-aged staff kid to ride down the zip line with him. They ride and are unhooked by the gracious summer staff lifeguards who swim out there 5 or more times a day to grab our short lil guys. One week, there was a small person named Trevor there as a camper. Eli made friends with him; from what I saw, he was respectful and kind, not overly obsessed with his appearance or rude. Trevor was gracious to ride the zip line with Eli and later told me they had a great chat on the climb up to zip top. Eli loves conversations with older campers, kids his age, or adults.

3:30- Life at the beach! Oakley comes down with Michelle after an afternoon nap. At first he is tentative- holds one leg up out of the water while seated on his bottom in the sand. Eventually, he uses his hands, toes, and tummy to explore the sand and the lake. He loves to splash in the water and smiles and shakes sand with everyone who comes to play with him. He was a popular attraction and very well loved. He was so friendly and full of expressions and personality the whole time.photo (5)

4:30- Eli and Andi run from the lake to the hot tub for a warm up (the 8th trip between the two water orifices of the day), OR speed into the Seabreeze for a beach-side snack (Eli: the big bopper cookie ice cream sandwich and Andi, a bag of Skittles) OR they receive high fives, a hug, and an invitation to ride on the boat with summer staff boat driver friends (Jordan C took a sweet and genuine interest in Andi, and Matt Moore was a big, strong, tender and intentional friend of Eli’s). All of my kids received so much positive attention from the summer staff, assigned team, and other families. They were encouraged, cheered for, played with, and loved on. They were told and shown that they are beloved children of God in so many ways.  As a parent, I cannot be more grateful.Oaks a swimmin

5:30pm-I give Oakley self-feeding practice during staff dinner and take grate-full advantage of the fact that the work crew vacuums the carpet under the tables after every meal. Thank YOU high school work crew kids!

6:30pm- We sit outside the Windjammer for the “golden hour”, watching campers strewn across the swooping landscape of the lush Castaway green grass throwing frisbees, playing games, hanging out. The 25 flower beds and boxes in sight from our seat are popping with color and growing because of the tender and consistent watering of my summer staffer Tess. Oakley is wriggling out of my lap to grab at the person whose stopping to chat, or trying to flirt with fellow assigned team kid and slightly older girl, Olive, who is oh so cool and walking at 15 months. He loves her! Eli and Andi whiz by on their scooters and stop to ask if they can go down to the game room to play with their buddies- 9-square where the older kids are kind and patient with Andi’s double bounces, or Foosball where Eli’s super spin moves actually do get the balls to score. I get to chat with friends I value for their wisdom, love to laugh with, and only get to see because we do assignments together from time to time. Some of these people I’ve known before but many are friends I’ve just met and yet immediately, deeply connect to and care for just because we share life together in the kingdom way that is a Young Life assignment. Thankful for you Robyn, Annie, Amy, Amy, Katy, Melissa, Mandi, Kaitlin, Linds, Megan, Eli, Tasha, Sarah and others!P1030666

7:30pm– We head to Young Life club. I sit in the back with summer staff and my family. Eli can read so he sings the lyrics loud. Andi dances with her girl friends freely and spinningly on the steps near the door. Oakley comes only to a few clubs all month but when he does, his whole body gets caught up in the energy. He faces outward from someones arms and kicks his legs with enough intensity to shake his whole body. He flails his arms just as hard and smiles with his whole face. He lets out screams because he knows the room is loud and wants to join in with exuberance.P1030650

8:30pm- Club is over and a few summer staffers and I are headed to one of three weekly summer staff gatherings (worship, discussion, story sharing, praying, and relationship discussions and games fill these times). We are stopped mid-stride by yet another majestic Castaway sunset- God lays the sun to rest splendorously here– and we cannot bring ourselves to go inside. Instead we run into the meeting, already in progress thanks to my more timely counterpart-coordinator Chris, and invite everyone to make a run for the beach. Caleb grabs his guitar (and the music stand) and all 40 of us run to the beach. Climbing and clamoring for high ground (shhh…perhaps a few ascend the Seabreeze roof?!), as a team we take it in. Then we gather around the hot tub to sing and share how God is moving and Jesus is using and changing us. It was a spontaneous adventure I’d been wanting to have for 3 years as summer staff coordinator.P1030655

9:30pm- Eli and Andi get to stay up late to help run the Obstacle Course on Night 1 for campers. They are invited into the “hype tent” where Claire, Tyler and Zach have crafted a hilariously motivating chant to send campers out on a shared adventure to “protect their leader” at whatever the cost- “jumping in mud for them, getting spit on for them, doing a flip for them“. With all the intensity of a child covered in charcoal face paint, E and A were so excited to be a part of the action with their gracious and inclusive SS friends.

OR Eli and Andi get to stay up late for the night 4 fun including the Opera and carnival. The third week’s carnival fell on Eli’s birthday and he got to take full advantage of the t-shirt gun (helping Nate to shoot, and catching one shot off just for him!) and enjoyed a birthday dunk in the dunk tank! Andi shoots hole-in-ones on the putting range and milks a mean cow udder in-between another free carnival popcorn and chatting with her friends.  photo (1)

10:30pm- To bed for those party animal kids who daily amaze Drew, Michelle, and me with their energy, ability to stay friendly and agreeable most of the time, and their pure enjoyment of the simple and the extraordinary daily happenings.

11:00pm- Drew and I stay up late to enjoy friends. A most special privilege to be on this assignment with Brett and Robin Hersma and their kind, respectful, fun, helpful kids. From Brett and Robin, we receive parental encouragement and wisdom, fantasy sports banter (not so much Robin and me but the “Blues!”), spiritual conversations and lots of fun. Eventually, reluctantly, we pry ourselves away from the great conversation and comfy chairs to go to bed.

2am and 4 am- Oakley wakes up on cue, every night at Castaway, to eat. There is just too much going on during the day for him to get all the nourishment he needs so he and I enjoy sweet and still cuddles while he grubs nocturnally.

Every day was indeed full. I cannot contain or capture the bliss of life lived in such a great community in such an amazingly beautiful place. I love walking across the camp and greeting people or tasks- the sounds of summer staff girls “Hi Linds”  still ring in my head and I very much miss the simplicity of life without my phone, wallet, or shopping list.

We grew as a family. Oakley grew two new teeth and Eli lost one.  Eli turned 7 with a Lego pinata to mark the moment and stood up to pray out loud during an all staff worship gathering one Sunday morning. He prayed for Jeff City, MO kids saying, “God we pray for Jefferson City, the capital of our state. For all the kids…safety first.”Lego Pinata

Oakley learned how to wave, said some impromptu and nondescript “Mmm, mmm, Ma- Ma”‘s, and figured out the all important move from the side lying crunch pose, to back onto his bottom. On his bottom he would turn around in circles to catch all the action- I love “sit-n-spin” baby stage! He was scooting by the end of the three weeks and in the final few days, getting up to a rock on his knees. (Update since original draft of this post- Oaks is a crawler! 1 leg, 1 foot, all over, crawling!)

Andi loved playing with friends and being outside. She learned interpersonal and conflict resolution skills that she’ll get to put into practice in two days with the start of kindergarten. Andi loved the lake the most of all my kids and spent sweet time by herself in the sand.  Conquering a deep seated and legit year-old fear, Andi tried the zip line again! She waited til Drew got there and indeed, overcame. She rode consistently that last week but couldn’t quite catch Eli on his 50 rides goal- which he carefully calculated and met. Eli would plan each day’s rides with friends- I was lucky to make it on a 3 ride day and I thank Ben for getting bumped off that day’s schedule.

Because they felt loved, secure, championed and in community, all 3 of my kids risked anew and pushed past current levels of comfort into the unknown- caught by Jesus’ arms that looked a lot like JJ’s, Emmy’s, Casey’s, Nancy’s, Beth’s, Amy’s, Zach’s, Robyn’s,  Matt’s, Tyler’s, or Madison’s.

P1030711

Young Life couldn’t happen if it weren’t for the sacrificial service, the donation of time, tears, sweat, and unpaid time off, of all the volunte
When I left for Castaway I was overwhelmed with anxiety in getting the devo written, my family packed up, and my to-do list accomplished. I arrived June 29h at the end of my rope and started the whole trip with a scare that I had lost my two oldest kids in a small Minnesotan mall- a whole other long story!ers that work during a session. Joining the ranks of servants, were our own aunts and uncles. Zach and Christine and Adam and Mary Kate Osborne came to visit and to work- the soccer field hedges received a much needed haircut and our family received a lot of fun!P1030809

Looking over the small schedule in my pocket on the second day of camp, I began to piece together that it seemed impossible to both breastfeed Oaks and be at the beach for the beach party set up with the summer staff! With palpable panic rising up, I heard God say, “Take it one day at a time. Depend on me every day” and I felt a real and soothing peace settle inside. From that day forward, I was able to stay present with what was right in front of me. I loved really being with people, listening, talking and praying. I was grateful for good food all ready for me and cleaned up after me. I was beyond blessed by the help people gave me with my laundry or my children which enabled me to give of myself in whatever way Jesus needed me as shepherd, leader, listener, or chair carrier/breakfast sandwich maker, that day.

I am profoundly shaped by the chances we’ve had, 5 Julys in a row, to live, work, play, experience surprise and joy, and serve in that place.

Birthday Blog- #33

 

Today is August 5, 2013

this is the most current pic I could find. Captures a great moment- my friend Lauren's wedding shower with Andi girl all dressed up and feeling special to have been invited!

this is the most current pic I could find. Captures a great moment- my friend Lauren’s wedding shower with Andi girl all dressed up and feeling special to have been invited!

I have a comprehensive Castaway recap blog waiting in the wings- it’s lost in the old computer crash/new computer confusion echelon- but today  we’ll just carpe diem and indulge the opportunity to mark a birthday moment.

My sister Natalie said this morning I love themes- she’s right. As much as I’m tempted to make this a list of 33 “somethings” (things I know, things I love, memories of my life, things I should change about myself this year, flavors of ice cream I enjoy, thoughts I have one way or the other about whether or not to have a 4th child, ways I love and cherish my blessings, etc…) I think I’ll just write…regular ole paragraphs. No short lists for you all today…It’s my birthday…

By most estimations, Jesus was around 33 when he turned towards Jerusalem- a trek that took him towards momentary and subversive exaltation and then public, brutal and catastrophic crucifixion. At 33, Jesus had reached the height of his teaching career, had assumed a leadership role and deployed faithful and teachable followers, and was having conversations and dinner parties that changed people’s lives.  I can’t help but feel some camaraderie with Jesus today and can only hope I live into my roles as teacher, leader, family member, and Kingdom citizen this year- obviously, I’d  prefer to skip the dying part.

I hope this year holds: growth, maturation, and a deeper understanding of what God has for me to do. I want to continue to be transformed by learning, by turning towards justice and empathy out of my positions of comfort and privilege, and want to care deeply for the people God has given me- in the core or around the circumference of my life. I look forward to some celebrations, journeys, (Drew and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage this year!!! Can’t wait to celebrate and travel for that one!), challenging and life-changing conversations, and having many a dinner party. A few of my favorite things are: food, people I love, and rituals (in the sense of bringing intentionality, focus, and a bit of the sacred into an ordinary experience). A dinner party (outdoors preferably) combines so many favorites in an enjoyable and tasty way.

The other thematic and perhaps slightly corny way I’m thinking of 33 today is in terms of dollars and cents. When things are 3 for $1, the closest and easiest estimation is that each item costs 33 cents. So 33 is, in some mathematical way, a third of a whole…right? (It’s my birthday and I do NOT want to do math). I feel like there are some important thirds in my life that I hope to study, invest in, take care of and steward this year.

Most obviously, my three children. Each child holds their place as one third of the whole that is our brood, our offspring, our collective “kiddos.” They are gifts, they are the most trying force on my patience, and they are the most intense, incredible, and important way I spend my time. They delight, amaze, surprise, and bless me.  I sat and took in the weight of it all last week. I love being mom and it’s the hardest thing I do- physically and mentally- most days. I mess up everyday and depend on grace to escape/erase the guilt and go to bed each night. I have fun with my kids and Drew when we are together as a family and I have fun leaving them and hanging out with Drew alone. As a 33 year old mom, I hope to value each of them as a unique and precious part of the whole. I hope to enjoy and invest in them together and separately. This year, Andi will go to kindergarten, Oakley will learn to walk and talk, and Eli will learn harder math, read longer books, and lose more teeth. I can’t wait. They are great!

Related, is my vocational life and the triple focus of how I live as a “productive” adult. I work for Young Life, I coach crossfit at Crossfit Northland, and I parent. The time and pay for each is far from an equal 33 percent, but I do feel the three foci add up to form the collective whole of my life priorities, positions, and efforts. Faith, fitness, and family are for sure the big three things I “do”. I love that ministry is my vocation and feel called to the written, oral, and incarnational proclamation of the Good News. I love Crossfit and the opportunity to push past thresholds and break inefficient and unhelpful habits in my health-life, as well as help others reach their fitness goals. I love exercise and being active with my family and for fun! Being a mom/parent/wife/sister/daughter/in-law/niece/cousin/granddaughter and friend to folks who feel like family, is a high calling, provides me with fun and support, and is what makes me a better me.

It’s going to be a great year. It’s already started off swimmingly- I swam in my sweat this morning for a fun WOD at the gym that included a back squat PR! I’m going to the pool by myself to swim 33 laps and read for at least 33 minutes, and then having a small family dinner party round a pool that Drew is coordinating for me this evening. Eli built me a birthday OK-GO (marble chain reaction), Andi colored me a birthday princess castle, and Oakley is giving me an over 2 hour birthday nap that has allowed me to write all of this!

I’m 33 ways of happy and grateful. Yay for today.

 

 

 

Kindergarten Memoir

If you think back with me a bit, you’ll remember the post where I wrote from a position of grief, disorientation, and shell-shock: Elijah had just started kindergarten. He moved to leave our family every day on a big bus for a long day away with strangers.  What began that momentous day in August, ends this Friday. It’s been a very good year.

Kindergarten gave Eli the gifts of a caring and creative teacher, a community of kids that expanded his cultural and social awareness, exercises in discipline, the ability to learn to read and grow as a reader, (reading! what a world changing phenomenon), a routine that allowed him to anticipate and enjoy all the different facets of an elementary school day, chances to play outside, have a speaking part in the kindergarten musical, have Drew come serve as a WatchDog (a program to have male rolemodels serve in the schools), create in art, and come home with stories of adventures he had and information he’d accumulated. He has been well-led and loved, encouraged, and challenged. I’m very grateful for the men and women at his school who work as a team to ensure every kid’s health and maturation as a learner.

There is a story I’ve told many times but never written down that demonstrates the love and care of Eli’s kindergarten community. The story happened over a month ago but fits well here…at the end of the year…in looking back and being grateful.

I went on a field trip with Eli’s class on Wednesday April 17th. A great opportunity to watch him interact with friends and see Mrs. Crawford’s organization and amazing calm in full force! Gayle had Andi and Oakley for the day, enjoying a relaxing, post tax-season day with her youngest grandkids. After having lunch with E back at school, I went to donate blood, appeasing those persistent callers, truly believing in the life-saving value of the exercise, and knowing it’s not something I can do with my kids in tow.

As I sat down to give blood, I knew the timing would be close as I needed to be back home to pick up Eli from the bus. I gave as fast as I could- long squeezes on the pumping ball- and didn’t pass out (which has occurred two times in the past 5 years for me there!)  Rushing through my recovery with a quick bag of pretzels, I texted Gayle to let her know I would be going home to get Eli and then coming to pick up Andi and Oaks. I drove down Barry Road checking the clock. Eli gets home around 3:50pm from the bus. I pulled into my driveway at 3:49. I was relieved to not see him standing woefully at the locked front door. I was able to park in the drive way and take a load of stuff inside before coming back out to the van, at which point I saw Eli running down the hill from the bus stop.

We high-fived in the driveway and reminisced briefly about the field trip from earlier. I told him we were off to pick up his siblings and asked if he needed anything inside or just wanted to wait outside for me to run in and use the bathroom. He opted to sit on the stoop and I took his backpack inside with me. I came back out shortly and we hopped in the car.

Taking advantage of a rare opportunity to spend time with just Eli and to shop with 1 instead of 3 kids, Eli and I went to Hyvee before heading to Gayle’s house. Eli got a free cookie from the bakery and we had a grand time of it at for 20 minutes together. When we arrived at Gayle’s house it was 4:40pm.

We walked in cheerily and saw Gayle, holding Oakley, playing memory with Andi, and talking on the phone in a slightly frantic voice- just a normal GG day! She looked up when she heard the door close and said, “Oh. They’re here. They’re here!” I looked around, confused, wondering, “Who’s here?” She hung up exasperated and said, “Linds, oh my, oh my. There has been lot going on. Oh boy….Everyone is looking for Eli!” Confused, I said, “Eli? This Eli? Looking for him?”

Unraveling the mystery…

Gayle had been on the phone with Drew. Drew had gotten a phone call around 4pm from the secretaries at Eli’s school. They called Drew because they had been trying to call me and were receiving no answer- I had put my phone on silent for the blood donation hour and had not turned it back to full volume or checked it at all since I’d left the blood center.

But why were they calling us?!…

The bus driver had dropped Eli off at his stop and done her customary loop around our neighborhood which brings her back by our cul-de-sac. On her loop back by, she saw Eli sitting on the front steps. She thought that seemed odd, so finished her route and drove back to check on him. When she pulled the bus into our cul-de-sac that second time, he was no longer on the steps. The house looked closed and empty and she began to think no one had been home to receive Eli and that now, he was missing. She walked around to look for him and then called on her radio to report that a student had not been able to get into his house and she was worried about his whereabouts now.

The school immediately took action to try to locate me and ascertain Eli’s location. They called Drew after calling me 3 times and leaving messages. Last Drew knew, I was at the Community Blood Center- I had texted him that the donation was successful while I sat at the recovery table. He also knew I have a seedy past with that place- on one occasion I passed out at the pretzel station and crashed from a chair to the floor- he was called to come get me that day. After calling my phone uselessly (it was on silent, in the bottom of my purse, at Hyvee, where Eli and I were relaxed and enjoying ourselves), Drew called the blood center and his mom. He wanted to make sure I had made it out of there ok and wasn’t passed out and crashed on the side of the road. The blood center would not release knowledge of my whereabouts, dutifully following their HIPA convictions. Now Gayle was involved and a little worried that perhaps she had misunderstood me and that she was supposed to have been at my house to meet Eli. She read and re-read my text message and Drew decided she should stay put with the other kids.

Drew called our neighbor and friend Tom and asked him to get involved. He explained that we have an arOnto the Big Yellow Busarrangement with Eli in the event that he finds the house locked when he gets off the bus. Eli knows he’s could go to a couple of houses of neighbor kids to wait for me to get home. Operating under the assumption that I was not there to get him, Drew asked Tom to go knock on doors to see if Eli had gone to the contingency plan houses. Tom was graciously willing and went to a couple of houses where he met short, 7 year olds who affirmed that yes, they knew Eli Osborne, but no, he wasn’t at their house. After the second house, Tom saw a man in dress pants and a tie also knocking on doors. By his outfit or demeanor, Tom determined the man was probably Eli’s principal.

Indeed! The principal of Eli’s school had dropped everything and driven over to our neighborhood to try to find a proposed missing student. The neighbor kids were ecstatic and surprised to see Mr. Fitzmorris on their front steps, but also a bit confused as to why he was there, asking about Eli.

In the middle of the cul-de-sac, the bus driver sat worried to the point of tears. She talked to Drew through Tom’s phone where Drew heard panic and worry in her voice.

A note about Miss Misty– Eli’s bus driver. This woman has been wonderful all year. She is friendly to Drew and me, has always been interested in seeing Oakley when he makes it out there, gives Eli an extra treat for Andi if she’s passing out a Christmas sucker to her whole bus, and in general, makes sure that Eli is safely taken to and from school. Eli speaks highly of her in how she runs her bus, and at one point brought home a “Bus 68” rap a 4th grader had written- one whole stanza was dedicated to how cool Miss Misty is.

In tears, on Tom’s phone that day, she told Drew, “I have 5 kids of my own, I just care so much. I’m worried not knowing where Eli is!”

As the principal walked my neighborhood, Tom stood on the steps of a bus with a stricken driver, and Drew left his office to start driving my path from the blood center to home- wanting to ensure I wasn’t crashed on the side of the road in a post donation pass out, and I finally walked into Gayle’s house with Eli.

She was on the phone with Drew and was able to tell him we were there- safe. Confused and dumbfounded, but safe. Drew then called all the involved parties- the bus driver, the school staff, and Tom- to give them the good news: Eli was safe. With his mom.

For about 45 minutes, there was worry, panic, confusion, and action taken to protect, pursue, and procure my child. A whole community was mobilized on mission, without question, to ensure Eli was ok. The principal would later tell us, he believes in taking action in doing whatever he can do as soon as possible. He would have done the same thing again- its not worth sitting around in his office if he could be out, trying to help. The bus driver believed it was odd that Eli wasn’t met after the bus but didn’t want to take any chances. Tom left his own wife and kid to walk up the hill as quickly as he could- not fully explaining where he was headed as he left in a hurry. So many people were willing to do whatever they could, right away.

The caveat to this story is that, Eli was fine the whole time. With me, at HyVee and in the car. It was just a misunderstanding and collection of coincidences that created confusion- he did sit on the steps for a bit and then disappear…not with a stranger or to be lost though, just with me, to run errands.

Poor Drew was pulled out of a work day to spend almost an hour in waves of worry, questioning and rethinking what he thought could be happening. Gayle was forced to hold it together for Andi who was wondering why she was on the phone so much all of a sudden.

Whew! What a hubabaloo! And what a blessing- that so many people care so deeply for Eli. As the stories of Sandy Hook and Plaza Towers Elementary have overtaken the news reels this year, the vulnerability of children and the sacrificial love and leadership of school staffs have been affirmed. Our family experienced on a small and non-consequential level the clash of care and tragedy. I cannot imagine the pain and power of other families as their student’s life and their school’s community of care met on such a macro level.

For us, it ended in gratitude  and relief. He was OK the whole time.  The following morning, Drew, Eli and I went to the bus stop together with a card and flowers- wanting to thank Miss Misty for caring so much and taking action when she felt like she should. When she opened the door of the bus that rainy morning, she looked right past Drew, me and the flowers, to Eli, and said, “Elijah. I am SO happy to see you.” She wasn’t able to fully put the worry away until she saw him, whole, present, and bounding onto the bus, the next day.

In his own words, a kindergarten memoir (“the French word for memories about kindergarten, Mom”), celebrates that he learned to read, loved “sieins” (science) the best, and right now wants to grow up to be a ninja.

I celebrate all Eli’s growth and his hard work. We celebrate this year- the people he’s gotten to bless and who have been such a blessing to him.

And we really, really hope Miss Misty is back on our route again next year…ready to take Andi on that big bus to school with such care and compassion as well!

 

 

 

 

Reorientation and Remembering

In the wake of a week of: celebrating Andi’s 5th bday,

Andi- the princess and kindergarten back pack combine to prep her for year #5!

Andi- the princess and kindergarten back pack combine to prep her for year #5!

having professional pictures taken of 3 kids at once, losing ground in the pursuit of a whole night of uninterrupted sleep with a 6 month old, and in the anticipation of a trip to California in 2 days that begins with a plane flight for our family of 5 that takes off at 6am (that’s “get our act together, our kids in clothes, and at the airport by 5am with all our stuff”– for you math majors out there)…I’ve been trying to hold it together. At my worst, I’ve been impatient and yelled. At my best, I settle in to the foundation of what is real and really important.photo(44)

To reorient, from disorientation, back to orientation (thank you Isaac Anderson at Jacob’s Well for reminding me of Walter Brueggemann’s take on the orientation themes of the Psalms) wherein I remember that God is good and loving and doing work that I wake up to and join in with my feeble humanity when I can, I refer to these truths, from friends, scripture, and other quirky folks.

My world has been blessedly disturbed by speakers/writers this past month. Kent McDonald (professor at Whitworth College and YL staff person) spoke at the YL Student Staff weekend in Chicago. Paul Young (author of The Shack) and Baxter Kruger (trinitarian theologian and writer) came to Jacob’s Well to speak. Finally, I’ve been ruminating on all things being overwhelmed and overcommitted in my own times of silence and solitude.  It’s been a revealing, rocking, and rowdy 3 weeks inside my heart and head!

Here’s what I’ve heard, been asked, and want to remember:

God is good all the time and is intimately involved in the details of our lives– Paul Young.

God at God’s essence is Ultimate Relationship- community and connection and perfect, loving union. -Young and McDonald. We are meant to live connected and caught up in relationships and connection.

Jesus has brought me here and is with me here– my boss, Tom, encouraging me to find a cue that calls me to this reality in moments of being caught up in chaos.

God is light and in God there can be no darkness at all. Jesus enters into our darkness.Young and Krueger

God only does what is light and love.Young

God is about participation, and invitation, and pursuit and relationship.Young, McDonald overlap

I want to be a woman of the resurrection (hope and joy) and not resentment (control, worry, anxiety, anger)– Thought from Tom’s devo that God brought to light more fully as I settled into the Mary and Martha story in Luke 10.

Jesus lovingly reorients Martha saying,  41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Can I,

in moments of perplexing and frantic “NOW!”s or “I DON”T KNOW WHAT TO DO”s,

breathe,

say “Thank you”,

and seek the one thing that really matters

instead of the many things that might instead worry and upset me?

I can’t wait to go to California- to connect with my family and celebrate the wedding of my cousin Heather and her fiance Luke. I can’t wait to go on vacation, to be warm!, and to be away. I do pray I can center and settle into these truths when the airport becomes a stress bucket, or our kids are up at midnight, or I can’t accomplish the whole list- and do the one thing that really matters: love! and party!

 

 

 

Lenten Limits and 2 Weeks of Avacados, Almonds, Olive Oil and Onions

I was asked to read The Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzero- a book that purports one cannot be spiritually healthy or mature unless they are also emotionally healthy. I greatly enjoyed the book and affirm the  care for our holistic health- acknowledging we are spiritual, emotional, physical and intellectual beings- the sum total of which God sees, celebrates, and molds into Christ’s likeness.

The most impactful chapter for me was one on embracing limits as a spiritual practice– receiving limits on our capacities as people and ministers as blessings from the hand of God, instead of restrictive or productivity stifling nuisances. The chapter illustrated Biblical limit respecters (see John 3:20-33-John the Baptist has a clear understanding of God as limit-giver, and can easily say, “I am… but I am NOT…”, thus understanding his ability and calling and stopping short of living based on others’ expectations or some all-consuming drive for greater personal success), as well as limit breakers (see Adam and Eve in Genesis chapter 3 who, mistrusting that God’s one restriction was not to harm their life but to protect and bless it, transgress the limit they were given. The result of their mistrust, their idolatry of self, their ungrateful focus on the one thing they didn’t have instead of the myriad of abundance they did have, was sin in all it’s havoc).

Coinciding with Lent and the spiritual practice of becoming aware of the chaos, clutter, consumerism, and Christ-lackness of my life and faith, the book was a helpful read. Indeed, putting disciplines in my life during Lent that restrict my personal freedoms, add a spiritual practice that helps me pay attention or suffer a little bit, or ones that make me intentionally more aware of the Presence all day, help enhance my life, not DIMINISH it.  By putting up some boundaries, I could in all actuality be more free.

Then came yet another invitation. My sister Laura and her husband James were going to do a dietary cleanse in conjunction with Lent. Wanting to reorient heart, head, habits and metabolism, they were going to tackle a substantial change in diet for a set period of time. Each had differing goals and different fears surrounding the process.

When Laura invited me to join her in the two week cleanse, I was excited and petrified at the same time. I have very little discipline when it comes to eating and have rarely been able to set dietary guidelines that LIMIT my eating freedoms (especially when we’re talking desserts!) and stay within them. Yes, I eat a healthy diet, but I also eat a ton of sugar and I often eat for reasons besides hunger: habit, guilt, stress, because I’m lonely, celebrating, done working out and Sheridans frozen custard is just right on my way home etc… I enjoy making and eating good food, new recipes, seasonal favorites, and family staples. I wasn’t ready to say all those things are bad or wrong, but I was intrigued by the challenge of setting up some boundaries and living within them for 2 weeks with accountability and encouragement from someone with whom I could be honest and vulnerable. I felt a weight in a sense lifted with Laur’s invitation- that I could possibly regain some control and discipline in my eating life- that by setting up some parameters, I might really become more free.

The basics of the cleanse:

1. Avoid allergens and addictive foods: No caffeine, alcohol, gluten, dairy, soy, or refined sugars. Also avoid corn, vinegar, and white rice. If weight loss was the primary goal (which it wasn’t for me- discipline and habit awareness was), no brown rice and limited fruits.

2. No need to restrict portions of the healthy stuff- eat if and when you’re hungry. Healthy snacks between meals to ward off hunger were key.

3. Drink lots of water to help the flushing out of toxins.

4. Expect some physical lethargy and emotional change.

5. Look to feel better and be able to identify some food sensitivities, lose inches and pounds.

The cleanse came with recipe ideas and I shopped to be prepared for meals and snacks.

Breakfast was a rhythm of eggs, smoothies with almond milk, frozen fruits and kale/spinach, and eventually some steel cut oats. Breakfast without Greek yogurt and some homemade muffins or cereal was the hardest part, besides the no sweets! I didn’t mind the soup/salad, almond butter and celery sticks for lunch, and the dinners of meats, veggies, rice pasta, stir frys etc.. were tasty and enjoyed by the whole family. I consumed a lot of avocado, almonds in their raw nut form as well as almond butter and almond milk, and cut up at least one whole onion for a meal every day-which for me was great. My olive oil bottle was in and out of the cabinet frequently and my coffee pot was stored away in the basement. I enjoyed lemon and peppermint tea to start my day and turned to the tea when what I really wanted was to eat a treat.

We memorized Hebrews 12:1 &2- “Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders us and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run the race marked out for us- fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross and sat down at the right hand of God.”  Week two I found this little gem of theological truth and very contemporary relevance in Psalm 63:2, 5, “My soul thirsts for you, my whole body longs for you…You satisfy me more than the richest of foods.”

My 2-week stint on the cleanse ended yesterday morning with breakfast, for which I drank coffee, ate a cookie, some Greek yogurt and some cereal. Two hours later I can report I did indeed feel lightheaded and dizzy! The system was a little shocked.

In all, I feel very good to have faithfully practiced the cleanse by making some serious and sudden changes to my habits and health. It wasn’t easy. At times I felt physically miserable (tired, hungry, or lethargic), frustrated, bored, weak-willed, or grumpy. At low points I’d text Laur to complain or ask for encouragement and I’d turn into the spiritual side of the cleanse- my intention to offer my body as a chance for God to change me, grow me, and deepen my dependence outside of myself and on Christ.

After celebrating the end yesterday by eating and drinking something from every category of the DO NOT CONSUME list, I feel as though instead of going back to the way things were, I really do want to keep up with many of the changes. I want to live with limits that lead to more life. I want to confront my habits, the desires I hide and fill with unhealthy things, and offer myself humbly and vulnerably for awareness and transformation. I didn’t lose an inch and only 3 pounds but I achieved my goal: more mindful eating, health, discipline and an adventure in facing my fears.

I’m off to have eggs for breakfast.