Last week was the hardest so far and held some of the sweetest moments we’ve had yet.
In difficulty, I realized I had to cut off the socially distant social calendar I was still keeping for my kids and myself. We were being intentional but not careful enough. Kids and neighbor friends were getting closer and closer despite the best intentions and moments of mask making. I couldn’t help but help when I saw people who needed help. I wanted to give a safe version of our usual egg hunt and do a socially distant happy hour outside on a beautiful day.
After a hard conversation, an informative article from a well-known pediatrician, a reckoning of limits and desires, and a knockdown drag-out with Drew, we made major changes to our habits and those of our children.
Stay home.
No playdates.
Some schedule adjustments for work.
My underlying emotion, deep inside, and pointing to a reality that needs a healthy outlet, is anger. Mid-week I was mad. Why? Disorientation and grief and feeling so stuck. And all the while, we were journeying with Jesus towards the cross and resurrection. Oh and we were also cooking with veggie stock and fixin’ to fix the mailbox.
Because my major ways of operating are to lead, act, direct, assist, help and push through, mostly for others, not myself or my own people, I live with gut intuition and “never” rely on statistical projections and blanket directives. This is an unprecedented time for all. Why was I just catching up on how much impact it needed to have on me?
And then they canceled school for the rest of the year.
Yes, I’ve been wrecked by how hard this is for the underprivileged and burdens the already vulnerable. I’m grateful and praying for the hard-working health care workers and truck drivers. I’ve been praying for families with pain, financial hardship, and precious pregnant people. I lamented the racial injustice of the disease around Kansas City and elsewhere and disagreed with churches who decided to forgo the governor’s restriction (and scripture see: Matthew 22:21 Jesus said: “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s and to God the things that are God’s.” Romans 13:1 “Let every person be in subjection to the governing authorities”).
We have suffered very little by the great disruption. And yet the reckoning.
Being often angry, quick to apologize and graciously forgiving, as a way of life in our family, we moved on with a new direction. Then I got this EnneaThought email that helped too.
Cutting off people, activities, and regular rhythms, eliminating most of the ways I was working in my job to lead and relate, means I am cutting off a lot of my default and essential ways of being.
Less action, no space for practical intuition. Barely any room to be constructive for others. The eradication of ego is a painful place.
I knew I could grow even in the freedom of reading here why it was so hard. Like weeping Mary who meets Jesus in the garden and thinks he’s the gardener (John 20), I was finally wandering around, wondering what is next and how to return from disorientation, pace through grief, and restore right-relationship.
All week I read great devotional thoughts and listened to a helpful podcast on media trauma and sanity for moms. Those snippets are below for the non-skimmers and mostly for my reflective, time capturing benefit.
For fun, and because we are beyond blessed and living a Spirit-filled life in light of the resurrection, we:
- Attended a dance party hosted by Oakley, DJed by Drew (“Everyone go get your costumes!”)
- Watched Onward, more Task Master and the rest of Top Chef All-Stars 2010
- Finished our puzzle
- Projected through the mailbox replacement with joy (Thank you DJ Drew)
- Gave the affirmation game a twist and told everyone one by one around our dinner table, 1- What we liked about you today, and 2. What we like about you always.
- Did an artistic and relevant nightly reading and prayer for Holy Week. (Thank you Marisa Avramovich)
- Dyed eggs and did a hunt with June and Henley at a distance
- Made multiple putt-putt courses in our garage.
- And most magically, we had an 87-degree day and put the sprinkler underneath the trampoline. The exclamations of joy, laughter, fun, and let’s keep doing this will ring in my head for weeks.
With the weather swinging almost as wide as my emotions, we made it to Easter Sunday. Once again, the tension between celebration and loss was palpable. We made food and shared it. Receiving delicious and memory infused dishes in return. We napped (not the Easter usual) and played together.
There continue to be candles lit and flowers alive on our table, and with that, and the Love around and inside me, I KNOW we will make it.
But seriously, how do we live out Jesus’ words, “To whom much has been given, much is expected?” Luke 12:48?
Pictures and more reading below.
PE Stations on the deck- pogo, hula, soccer kick, and Skip It
Putt-Putt inside helped on the windy and rainy days later in the week
Saturday night hail and driving rain!
So much warmth. So much fun.
“Along with our anxieties and hurts, we also bring our disappointments to God. If anxieties focus on what might happen, and hurts focus on what has happened, disappointments focus on what has not happened. Again, as the saying goes, revealing your feeling is the beginning of healing, so simply acknowledging or naming our disappointment to God is an important move. This is especially important because many of us, if we don’t bring our disappointment to God, will blame our disappointment on God, thus alienating ourselves from our best hope of comfort and strength. . . . ” Brian McLaren
It is true that your life is not about you; rather, “your life is hidden with Christ in God. He is your life, and when he is revealed, you will be revealed in all your glory with him” (Colossians 3:4). The True Self does not cling or grasp. It has already achieved its purpose by being more than by any specific doing of this or that. Finally, we have become a human being instead of a human doing.
And yet even in our pursuit of the True Self, we must be careful not to reject the parts of ourselves that are not there yet. The most courageous thing we will ever do is probably to accept that we are who we are. All the truly transformed people I have ever met are characterized by what I would call radical humility. They are deeply convinced that they are drawing from another source; they are simply an instrument.
So we can pray the simple Christian prayer of “Lord, have mercy.” From our place of humility, God can work through us to help our loved ones, neighbors and the most vulnerable. As Francis of Assisi said to us right before he died in 1226, “I have done what was mine to do. Now you must do what is yours to do.” [1]
– Richard Rohr reflection excerpts from 4-8-2020.
Media trauma: a significant traumatic event experienced through media.
-Traumatic events are more traumatic to people watching them from their devices than for the people in the actual event.
-The difference is the connection between brain and body- in the actual moment our body is on alert and is usually in a community of people (ie: Boston Marathon). When we watch something on our phone, we sit still and absorb it in our body without movement or energy from our built-in body responses or the assistance of community with others.
– The COVID-19 pandemic is for our kids’ (aged 3-18) September 11th. The impact of this trauma will put a stamp on their brains and bodies (memories and effects) that need care and attention. If kids are neglected during this time, the damage could last decades.
-Mom’s have to teach, and work and parent right now. We cannot do three at once. The work one can come last.
- A few notes from Rumors of Grace with Bob Hutchins and guest Jenny Black.
