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A Limit on Gratitude?

Try as I may, I cannot get alliteration into my title this week. Know that hurts me.

Background information:

  • Thanksgiving is 17 days away.
  • I have a blessed life. No “real” problems- I don’t have Ebola or sick kids, or suffer from injustice. And yet…
  • I am an external processor and in certain circumstances, I’m prone to complaining
  • Today I’m trying to make some changes.

I’d like to blame the World Series, or being sick, or Halloween , or being a new aunt, for the recent uptake in my sugar consumption. White flour, alcohol, candy and plain ole desserts, have found their way into my mouth far too often over the past month and its my own fault. There are 7 pounds, a nagging case of congestion, and poor workout results that testify to an October of fun and sugar that’s taken a toll!

Alas, as I set out to eat differently, there are strict-ish limits.

Over the past 3 years, I’ve come to appreciate limits as a gift- a boundary line that provides focus in a calendar, work schedule, relationship etc…  that often feels nebulously unbounded. Saying no to some foods for the next few weeks is limiting yes, but freeing as well. I can make easier decisions in the moment knowing I have a goal for the long haul.

Eating restrictions often challenge me or others because of the “CANNOT EAT” list. A change in perspective to, “All that I CAN eat” helps curb discouragement and keeps me from failing.

Such a perspective practice is helpful in all of human [at least American] experience; not just food. To be thankful for what we do have, instead of anxious, disappointed, or angry about what we don’t have, changes us.

In adversity, can I still be grateful?  We are heading into a possible 21 days of freezing temperatures! 

To have a holiday around gratitude is a great idea. Yes, it is commercialized, out of historical context, filled with football, and overshadowed by Christmas. Still, I’m thankful we have it. No, we should not limit the practice of giving thanks to a season or a day, but I’m not going to bemoan having the holiday.

Instead, I’d like to take the limited number of days we have between now and Thanksgiving to practice gratitude more pointedly. Some ideas of how I might practice an attitude of gratitude:

-I will pull myself out of complaining with a list of three things I’m thankful. For example, I might be tempted to complain about changing a diaper at the park..instead, I can be thankful I don’t have to use the nasty park bathroom with my two year old, that I have a kiddo with a healthy digestive system, and that my child isn’t all grown up quite yet and that he wears a diaper means he also cuddles, smiles, plays, and talks like a really fun 2 year old.

-I will write thank you notes for people who have worked with me in Young Life stuff in the last few weeks with specific examples of why what they did served us so well.

-We will keep a list on our chalkboard of why we are thankful as a family.

-I will say thank you out loud and in my head as I move through my day.

-And my family knows, I will craft a Thanksgiving ritual for our thanksgiving table time in Colorado!

I don’t want to limit my gratitude, but I want to take advantage of the limit of a Thanksgiving season to be specific and actionable in giving thanks. Want to come?!

June…in September

I am something new.

I am the same as last week but also forever changed.

I have become an aunt.

All thanks to 8 pounds of purely precious June Marie Bruce.

The road to aunt-ness has been a journey of great anticipation, some years of lonely impatience, nine months of admiration and awe at a thoughtful and strong preparation for parenthood, and tears, oh there have been tears.

After Christmas 2011, I sat in my mom’s kitchen in Colorado with my adult siblings around the table and my two young children underfoot, and asked Laura when she and James (then married 3 years) were thinking of having a cousin. You can see the lens by which I viewed their life was through my own- their baby would give my kids a cousin and give Drew and me some parenting peers in the sometimes lonely role of being the only couple with kids.  I guess the loneliness was a bit more acute that evening because when Laura told me it would be another couple of years, I started crying. Everyone just kind of looked and me and let me feel it out…no, Laura wasn’t going to have a baby for me…obviously. Deal, Linds and give people baby-making space!

Drew and I forged ahead and had another baby ourselves (ah, Oakley) in 2012. We think our kids are some of the luckiest in the world…Eli, Andi, and Oaks are loved by 6 sets of aunts and uncles who know them and enjoy them. A life blessing 12 people long.

On Valentine’s Day this year, I cried aunt-anticipation tears again. Laura and James told Drew and me over lunch of final Valentine’s Day present coming 8 months later! At that table, the tears were for Laura and James- their family was growing. My joy was first for them, then for me…as it should be.

From March til September, Eli, Andi, and even Oakley, got around the cousin idea. Eli would introduce Laura’s belly to his friends, “Want to meet my cousin?” Andi drew pictures and wrote stories of Laura’s journey through pregnancy to the hospital and into new-mom joy. Oakley’s anticipation was purely physical, he hugged Laura’s tummy, pointed when we asked where the baby was, and carefully calculated to find a seat on her lap in those last days.

Oakley and I got to be a part of the early stages of Laura’s labor on her due date. That day,  Aunt Laura and Uncle James were remade as they worked their own kid into the world over a thrilling, tiring, focused, un-medicated, and triumphant 24 hours. It was September 27th that they became brand new themselves; they are now “mom” and “dad”.

Laura was completely mentally and physically ready for the work of working her baby from the inside out. James was steady and encouraging, unflinching in his advocacy for Laura and the life that was soon to be in his arms.

When we heard there was a baby to snuggle after Laura’s night of hard work, we loaded up and headed to the hospital with one multi-colored flower, one still gender neutral balloon, and 5 giddy people.

To see Laura holding her baby brought the final tears on my pilgrimage to being an aunt. I was overwhelmed with the joy for seeing a healthy baby finally here and my strong sister, so ready to be a mom. She introduced us all at once as we crowded around and climbed up on the bed, “This is June Marie.

“It’s a girl baby!” I cried! Andi and Eli were excited…not even the slightest slight from Eli, the boy-est of boys. We loved June from that very first moment. To see Drew with a baby girl in his arms and to know how uninhibited his happiness and love was for this baby and her parents, was a moment I’ll remember in that hospital room for a long time.

photo 2 (32)photo 2 (33)photo 4 (22)

June Marie is a gift. As I know her now, I think she’s just wonderful. To see her is to see sweet and small, intricate and healthy, precious peace, and tiny photo (54)strength.  The doctor called her vigorous in her first minutes and she does indeed do life with her own energy. I’ve seen her eat, sleep, and wiggle, I’ve seen her follow the voice and the face of her mom and dad, and tolerate a photo session. I’ve been with her at Royal’s playoff watch parties and division series tailgates! She is strong and social. Hallmarks of a girl who will make her way in God’s world with deliberate action and a passion to be around other people. June puts her curled up hands to rest on her sweet, soft cheeks, sticks one leg straight out, and cuddles in close for your touch and warmth. You cannot deny her desire to be wrapped up in the love you freely have to give to her.

June, as your aunt, I’m amazed. I am encouraged that I already love you so much and miss you when I don’t know what’s going on in your day. To add love for you expands the heart and head space I have for kids in my family. I have three kids and one niece and that feels so good. I want to be a really good aunt to you June, and I will have to learn how along the way. Right now, as I hold you, know I’m praying for you, and studying you, and cheering you on as you adjust to the very new world you’re in. 

I will continue to hold you in my head and arms as you adjust to the world as it changes around you and you change within it. Know that I will love you always and no matter what. Know that you have parents who will steward your life with care and creativity and great, great love, but that you’ll also have an aunt, uncle and three cousins just 10 minutes away who are ever ready to play with you, take care of you, and hold you dear even when you no longer fit on one forearm. 

We celebrate that you are YOU, and you are here. We will be on watch to see and cheer who you will be. 

Welcome June. Thanks for making me an Aunt. Let’s grow up together. photo 1 (31)photo 4 (21)

 

Torso to Torso

 

A bit of background:

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Almost the same height! Well…within 4 inches or so! Throwback pic to 2008. Perhaps we’ve grown…or shrunk?

1. I am similarly height-ed to my husband. We photograph well cheek-to-cheek and can easily embrace.

2. I do not like physical contact.

           The worst– having someone run their fingers through my hair, wrestling, being tickled, having                  my brother grab the back of my legs while I ran  up the basement stairs in our house growing                    up.

The simply undesirable– most backrubs, wrestling, tackling games

But of course I do enjoy- snuggling my children, spooning Drew in sleep, hugging and holding my                        kids, side hugs to all friends/YL kids, embracing my adult family upon reunions, high fives

And now back to present day…

This weekend, we tasked ourselves with the physically taxing work of grass aerating, seeding, fertilizing, mulching, and the domino affect of weed pulling, poison ivy battling, lawn and leaf bag hauling, and extreme sprinkler watering!

All of that was Saturday…after I had had a sleepover with Andi-Girl on Friday night. It was preciously fun to snuggle with her, stay up late hearing her talk about what runs through her head, and then watch and listen to her sleep before I fell asleep myself. The night was less than completely restful however as Sister-Soo has kicky feet- all night long.

After being touched (kicked) all night Friday night, working all day Saturday, and then waking up with energetic (read: physically bouncing off the walls while singing and making repetitive noises) kids Sunday morning, I was ready for a break and headed to the gym for a solo workout at 8am. Bless Drew for letting me leave!

Hand on the garage door knob, head down in key search, I was suddenly assaulted with a tight leg hug from Andi. I would be gone an hour and she hadn’t neccessarily been paying attention to me while I was in the kitchen minutes before, but now, upon realizing I was leaving, she was motivated to grab, hold and hug me. I was of course grateful and felt the love- I was also and even more so, ready to get going. I lamely patted her head- hugging her briefly across her upper back, still standing erect myself, and then turned once again to go.

Three minutes into my drive, I realized my misstep. I wished I had dropped my purse, gotten down on my knees- evened my torso with Andi’s- and enveloped her fully in a “hug-back”.

Kids hugging adult legs is a half-hug. All the investment is on the child…little to no effort is made on the part of the adult to enter in with the shorter,younger, more uninhibited person, quite literally, on their level.

Arms are supposed to wrap about backs, torsos, and chests- not bony knees and impersonal thighs.

Arms should be met with arms.

So I’m thinking all this and resolve, in my head, to hug differently next time- to give and to receive hugs at the level of the other hugging-halfthe I drive on to the gym, endure the misery of the Kelly benchmark WOD and return to a family filled day.

THEN!….we watch The Lego Movie together as a family later last night. Mostly filled with races and chases, all over, the Lego Movie has great messages! I don’t ever want to watch it again, too much peril!- but I love the messages of personal self-worth and the impetus to create with the the mind, imagination, ideas, and personality given to you by the one who created all the bricks. I really wish I could write more intelligently about the meaning of the movie- it was thick and good.

The end of the movie is great and applies here. Oh, and I guess I might spoil it for those who haven’t seen it yet. I’ll attempt vagueness.

Lord/President Business spends most of the movie on gigantic stilts- towering above everyone and lording oppressive, controlling authority- desiring compete and solitary power. At the end, the ordinary Emmet offers him a chance to change- to choose a different way, to enter into the community instead of loom above it.

Lord Business

Lord Business

He literally removes his imposingly long and lofty legs and walks towards Emmet at the same height- 2 Lego inches high. They embrace.

Transversing time, world, and movie screen, the next minute depicts another tall, adult figure who drops to his knees to embrace his child.

A bent knee, a changed heart, an openness to connect. This is where we ought to live.

From our knees, maybe we listen better, look right into eyes, hug better, hold on longer, and can end up making the world great.

 

 

Bits of Berthoud Pass

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Throwing questions of legality and vehicular safety to the wind, I stopped on the side of US-40 near the peak of Berthoud Pass and picked up a piece of a mountain. Falling rocks roar and tumble past small trees, over mountain grasses, and careen and crash onto the roads, whenever they feel like it. That day in 2010, I was on a mission with my inlaws to collect a piece of the mountain to take back with us to our flatland homes in Missouri. To this day, to see it and step on it, is to remember moments of God’s goodness and movement at Crooked Creek Ranch, Young Life’s Frisco valley property.
This past Labor day weekend, as in the 3 days prior to my penning this post, I was back on Berthoud Pass and brought pieces of it home with me once again. Drew and I took our family to the road Thursday morning and sailed across I-70- landing in Denver by dinner time. We ate with Maama that night and slept comfortably in the cooler Colorado temps in our cozy beds.
We awoke for adventure early Friday morning. The plan: camping near Winter Park-  reservations not accepted, tents, food totes and firewood required! Drew was the lone guy heading up with us and shouldered the load solidly. We loaded the van with sleeping bags, air filled sleeping pads, pots, pans, games, books, and headlamps. I rode up with Nat- candid conversation much needed between sisters who connect far too seldom. What a gift to listen to her life.
Idlewild campground was open and welcoming in the bottom of the Fraser Valley. Just past the entrance to Winter Park Resort, Idlewild sits nestled in trees, blanketed in green forest growth and alongside the Fraser River- a live sound machine. We would come to hear the train often and highway trucks occasionally- the chorus of civilization coming into the natural noise. We added our cheers, thanks, attention, and appreciation.photo 1 (29)
Site 15 gave Eli and Andi  immediate and large amount of space to play, climb on logs, run up and down the mountain, meet new friend Christopher, and imagine a world in the woods. Oakley took to the dirt, the tents, and the always-outside with a smile and a nap by 1pm. We were set up long before lunch and relaxed all afternoon. Ahhh- bliss. The temperatures dropped markedly after the sun went to sleep. We huddled around the fire and then snuggled deep in too-light of sleeping bags. Kids needed more blankets despite sleeping in their sweat or ski pants! Missouri-mom fail. I did not pack enough warm clothes!!!
John joined the party Saturday morning and we took our smelly selves into town. We could walk the Fraser River trail .5 mile into downtown Winter Park. Skate park, play ground, grassy hills for cartwheels and rolling, and flushing toilets! We each found our little piece of indulgence: Eli’s in the skate park bowls, Andi with a dog, an aunt, and a Maama to play with, Oakley on a small concrete drainage path through the grass that he could run back and forth on with Aunt Nat right behind. The sun was warm and we had very little to do but be right there.photo 2 (30)photo 4 (20)
We hiked back to the camp site and our car for adventure number two! We drove to Winter Park mountain base and did the alpine slide. I do not want Oaks to grow out of being a baby and bemoan his adorable, personable and awesome speaking abilities because it means he is growing up very fast. However, when we learned he had to be two to ride the slide, I was ready to round up- just this once!
Oaks rode with me, Andi held her own, and Drew followed Eli as he leaned into the turns and never let up on that forward push. “I was really fast Mom. It was awesome. What was your favorite turn? What did you like the best? How do you think they built it? Those bumps are called Ripples, Maama. I can’t believe we can only do it once. I want to do it over and over. Even if it was raining, I never would have stopped.” Eli LOVED it and relived it for the rest of the night.photo 1 (30)
We got to play giant tumbling towers in the village, and then got to rent bikes and ride a pump track for free. Finally we flew over the parking lots in a bucket lift. I went to the bathroom 4 times in a flushing toilet during a day of “camping”. I agree with Eli, it was epic on many accounts.photo 1 (28) photo 3 (24) photo 2 (29)
Great food. Fun family. Lots of relaxing. New blankets from John. We enjoyed the rest of our camping trip in earnest, with story sharing, and s’more specialties. Turns out Nat is a bit of a s’more snob and no one was going to let her live it down.
Sunday was party day. We were showered and napped and ready to celebrate the wedding of Dad and Judy. Married in private in March, they were inviting the community to celebrate and acknowledge their marriage. We were glad we could come be a part and enjoy such a great party. The food was great, meeting family and seeing old friends was special. A new piece of family is growing.
The fun never stops. Monday morning was teeth cleaning time. Thanks to Maama for working on a day off! We checked out cavity free and packed up with ease. Per tradition, 7 years strong!- we stopped by Lakeside Amusement park for rides and memories with Nat, John, and Grandpa. There are just some things that an 108 year old park with a 74 year old coaster and duct taped doors on the spinning flipping ride, can offer that no where else can. Oaks joined the fear-free ranks of his siblings and rode the roller coaster, cars, boats, and the adult flying airplanes with me!photo 2 (31) photo 3 (25)photo (51)
Today is let-down, transition, discover that our tire went flat in the car at home in our garage while we were traipsing around mountains in our van, day. I am picking the bits of Berthoud out of our lives in smaller portions than a boulder. I vacuumed dirt and pine needles out of the van and shook wood chips out of the dryer lint collector. Seems we wanted to keep a little bit of the beauty, the better-than-a-pine-candle-smell, and the memories of a mountain weekend in our pockets. We will settle for it’s imprint on our hearts.

Short and Sweet

Inspired by Seth Godin in his poignant brevity- here’s my attempt at being brief and still marking a moment.

Balloons on a porch: For the second time in her life, Andi was greeted with balloons tied to our porch in her honor. This summer’s balloons were to wish her luck swimming in her relay race as a swim team alternate at conference. Seeing the poster and balloons moved me…someone else was cheering Andi on, honoring her efforts, wishing her success. The only other time she’s had porch balloons was to welcome her into the world- her grandma and brother waiting on the porch as we drove home from the hospital. We were ready to cheer her on, wishing her life and Signagesuccess.

 

A packed church pew: I looked around last week at church to see some pews packed full of folks and other pews quite empty. I was sitting in a packed pew myself- choosing to squeeze in so we could sit with some of our family and near our friends. It was worth it to sit close, community without the chance for much talking. The squish worth the connection.

Lost and found: This week a camera my inlaws lost in St. Louis was returned. The QT employee who found it, waited for someone to claim it. When they didn’t, he looked for clues in pictures and found Oakley’s baptism certificate. Googling from there, he found my blog, his girlfriend messaged me on Facebook and we connected to get the camera returned!

Love: “Love keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Does love also keep no record of being right? I want transformation, by Love and because of love, in both.

 

 

An answer from underneath

Things are not always what they seem.

At first glance, upon entering, or after an introduction, assumptions are made. Is this thing, this place, or this person what I’m thinking now, or might there be something more, or at least, a great explanation for what is?

Moving into our house at the end of April and settling in throughout the summer, the revelations of what we’ve moved into continue to unfurl: exciting bonuses (our kids are sleeping so much better in their own rooms than in one room all together!) and some disheartening setbacks (ugh- a small piece of tape is pulling off ceiling paint and drywall in the living room…seems some of the paint might not be sealed properly).

We are getting to know the house and how we work within it’s walls. Squeaks are sounding familiar, the smell is more our own, and space is being used for food, family, fun, or work with more efficiency.  We love it here.

One of the early quirks we encountered after move-in day was that our backyard hose spigot did not work. The handle would turn and turn but no water would come out. We spent the first few weeks watering the garden from 20 yards away- straining the front yard hose to reach as far as it possibly could.

It was discouraging and we had no idea who to call or what to do about a broken spigot. This was no ordinary spigot either; it’s handle was a bird. Despite the character it added, it seemed even more to complicate what we couldn’t figure out…where was the water?! photo 1 (22)photo 2 (22)

My friend Sara came to hang out one morning and help with some small projects. She comes from an extremely handy family, grew up on an almost-farm in Savannah, MO, and did a lot with FFA in high school. Give this girl a hammer, or ask her to identify a quality pig at an ag show, and she’ll excel! Sara came that day with her two small kiddos as a blessing to me and as my friend. We enjoyed catching up and got some work done around my house: hung some shelves and played “That’s a weed…That’s a plant” around the back yard.

On our backyard walk, I showed Sara the hose problem. She said, “It might be turned off from the inside.” In fact, one other person had suggested this but then, and even now with Sara, I didn’t know what that really meant or how to take action. Sara knew.

We went to the basement and she found a small cut-out in the ceiling down there. Peeking up, she found the answer. There was a knob, that looked like a spigot knob, right up there in the basement ceiling! I reached through spider webs and with wonder, turned it 5 times- lefty-loosey.

Back to the backyard, we turned the bird…and out sprayed water! What I had thought was a major problem, was actually an easy fix. The water was just shut off to protect pipes and hose. Someone had taken care to prepare the hose for proper use, not to derail my summer gardening plans after all! Daily, the bird shares her bounty and the effect is production of sustenance. The garden is indeed bearing fruit!

Our haul from today!

Our haul from today!

I wonder how many other times I’ve looked at the surface of something, or even someone, and drawn errant conclusions? Maybe our first impressions, our immediate assumptions, are not to be given much credence. Instead, digging deeper, asking questions, seeking to understand or getting to the root- being open to transformation in our own minds, will make us a better person in the world and help us get the best results in what we seek.

 

 

 

 

 

Our love is like the sunset because…

There are so many titles I could have titled this tale.

“Golden Gifts of our Golden Anniversary”

“Magical Moments in Michigan”

“10 year trip!”

“5 days of celebrating our decade long marriage”My 10 year old dress and Andi in Aunt Laura's

Sunset beginning off the pier

And even more…you’ll have to read to the very end to know why I went with the title above. But perhaps now you know this post is a travel log of the trip Drew and I took last week to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary which happened on July 10th! (hence “golden”)

When valve misfunctions sidelined our Honda Accord 3 days before we were to leave, we decided we had best rent a car to drive the 600 miles to our destination: St Joseph, MI. The flexibilty and length of a road trip was one of the selling points of our plan to drive ourselves to a beach vacation; we took full advantage. We worked out Monday morning together at our gym and then showered and headed to pick up our cherry red Chevy Cruze chariot. From there we dropped off our sad and sluggish car, and left the worries and woes of car troubles, the constant reality of parenting, and the rigors of our work lives behind. Having secured loving childcare for the days we’d be gone, we were excited to leave our kids so that we could give them a gift: better parents, in more love with each other. We were very, very blessed to have April (Maama), Michelle, Aunt Christine and Uncle Zach, and Gayle and Steve (Geeg and Pops) on point to have the kids. The village was assembled.

The gift of getting away was much anticipated and preciously enjoyed. Young Life connected us with a generous and gracious family who had a guest house on their property that they offered to us for the week. We met them the first night as we arrived at 7pm and they walked us the two blocks to “their” almost private beach and our first sunset. We had arrived!

We picked Michigan because it had all we wanted to do in a week away: lay on beaches, pick fruit, and taste wines. We did it all on our first full day there. Tuesday we visited two wineries, picked Michigan sweet cherries, and went to Warren Dunes State park where we hiked and laid out on the beach. That night we had the most amazingly yummy pizza and another sunset for dessert.

Enjoying precious time alone and relaxation, in addition to day long conversations about deep and playful things as a couple, we split up Wednesday morning: Drew golfed and I wandered the down town and found an Aveda salon for a pedicure. We reconnected to spend the rest of the afternoon at the beach…ahh… We were treated to a sunset boat ride by our hosts that evening- a very sweet family with daughters 15, 12 and one more due in August. Being with them was a great reminder of God’s generous and surprising ways. Our hostess said at one point, “All of a sudden we are doing life on Plan B…and we’re finding life on Plan B is perhaps the best.”

Thursday was our actual anniversary and the first we’d spent together since 2010. We did a 10-1 ladder Crossfit workout (thematic sweating!) and then had breakfast out- nothing says 10 years and erases a work out like a chocolate croissant! Yum!

We drove up the coast to Saugatuck and enjoyed browsing art galleries and taking in the weather, lunch at a park, and reading “our book” aloud on the grass- it was a beautiful 76 degrees! (We were- and still are- reading A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken aloud together.  It’s a love story about enduring love and so far, its been a beautiful and conversation stirring read. ) We traveled back down the iconic and scenic Blue Star Highway with one detour- Crane’s Restaurant and Bakery. We had found it: the perfect way to enjoy the fruit and berries we saw growing all around- in a pie, a la mode!Pie

Peeling ourselves off the beach, we took sand and sun back to our house around 6pm on the anniversary afternoon- sun still high, heat warm and bearable. Getting ready, we enjoyed a pre-dinner toast of Saison-Brett- a special local brew Drew had saved for such a time as this.

The Brett had us loose and the love shared had us close. We didn’t care what time it was or how long we’d wait to eat at the Lakehouse patio. We played games while we waited, and enjoyed the live music- a guy, his Mac and a microphone- he was really good in fact. We were seated around 8:30 with a great view of the lake and the sun heading towards it. Dinner was really tasty- steak amd salmon- shrimp appetizer and a bottle of red from Italy. We were treated to dessert. Anniversary dinnerThe sun set around 9:30 while we continued to sit and listen to the singing.

Friday was the last full day we had and we lived it to the fullest. I walked another 9 holes with Drew before slow and enjoyable beach time that afternoon- like all the days, we spent some of it reading, some of it talking, and some of it taking Golden day sunsetPuttin aroundwalks or swimming in the clear, clean waves.

Over Mexican for lunch that day, we talked about parenting and what it is to support and challenge, and change and do our best. Tears and angst revealed some things tender and helped grow us a little bit for sure. Dinner was once again wonderful tasting and full of quality quiet as well as deep chats and cheer.

Friday night’s sunset walk down the pier, along the beach, on a bench, and off the bluff, sunset was award winning. The sunset lasted almost two hours, changing colors, composure, casting light, and capturing the attention of any and everyone on the beach that evening.Wave walking

While taking it in, “Our love is like a sunset” we mused,

  • because it’s happening even if nothing beautiful is visible on the outside.
  • because it’s long and enduring
  • because it looks different in different parts
  • because it’s worth slowing down for
  • and because it will happen every day.

The colors were arresting and we almost missed the very end- the hot pink sun sinking into the blue water of the way out lake.

Saturday morning we were ready (and also not) to go home. We missed our kids- wanted to know lots about what they’d done, how they were, and share our stories too.E and A at the swim meet we missed.

We woke up without an alarm (major gift of this trip) and worked out. We cleaned ourselves and

Oaks got a haircut from Mom and Dad Sunday after they got home. Those precious curls were getting tangly! Hope they grow back!

Oaks got a haircut from Mom and Dad Sunday after they got home. Those precious curls were getting tangly! Hope they grow back!

the house and got on the road. Just because he loves me and because I drank lots of coffee- Drew stopped at the beach 30 minutes away in New Buffalo where we could walk the small dune, use the bathroom, and sit on our towel in the sand. We read our book, and didn’t mind the light but consistent rain drops.

It was a week well lived. A life together well celebrated. There were NO disappointments. No bad food, no stress, no fights, and lots and lots of conversations, freedom, memories, intentional care, and crazy love.

Filled up, we can pour out what we’ve been given: love, forgiveness, care, joy. We can’t wait to share life together for decades ahead and hope we get back to Michigan soon.

 

 

 

Cultivation- growing over [summer] time

To cultivate something by definition is:

1. to prepare and use soil for growing plants; to care for and grow plants

2. to try to acquire or develop (a quality, sentiment, or skill)

I planted a garden 10 days ago now. The weather has been pretty consistently inconsistent since the seeds and starters went into the ground. There was heavy rain, some humid mornings, and many cool days with night time lows around 50. I was gone for 4 days during which much of the soil dried out. So far, no seedlings have sprouted, but the starter plants remain green and lively looking.

I’m not sure if I should be discouraged- perhaps it has all already flopped, or if I simply need to wait. Drew said yesterday, “Maybe one of the hardest things about gardening is the waiting. Being patient as we wait and see.”photo 1 (11)

Indeed, growth takes time. Developing strength and health happens over time, with long, slow, and deliberate cultivation.

This summer, in the garden, I’m hoping we grow the following:

-tomatoes

-green beans

-zucchini

-squash

-carrots

-peppers

-cilantro

-cucumbers

What is buried and empty now, will hopefully blossom, bloom, mature, and produce real, consumable food. As the caretaker, I promise to provide attention, water, weeding, and pleads of “please grow.”photo 2 (12)

We are staying put this summer. No Castaway in July. This breaks a 5 year streak of getting to go serve, work, enjoy, and learn through ministry in Minnesota. Instead, we will stay home, settle into our new house and neighborhood, look for what God has for us here, and feel what Missouri feels like in mid-July! We hope to cultivate strong roots, healthy habits, and by the end, bear some quality, organic fruit in our selves and souls.

This summer, in our family, we hope to cultivate:

-fitness– summertime Crossfit for Drew and me, Oakley and his ball kicking and chasing games, and Eli and Andi swimming! They are on the Coves Crocs Swim Team which includes daily practices (starting tonight!) and weekly swim meets with kids from our neighborhood who will also be attenders of their new elementary school.

-community– around our new house, with our dear friends, and through deliberate attempts to host and have people over

-rhythm– I yearn for some sort of rest and connection time with just our family. Some 20 or so hours off of work, school, cleaning and chaos- a Sabbath type of movement where we are all together, paying attention, having fun.

-inner peace– where Andi feels defeated, overlooked or angry, where I feel overwhelmed, Drew feels overly responsible, Eli feels pressure to preform, and Oakley feels left out, I pray we replace it with peace that comes from knowing God sees us, knows us, and loves us just as we are.

-marital growth- Drew and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage July 10th. We have a trip planned to celebrate and feel so blessed to have been best friends for so long. We also know now better than ever, what trips us up, hurts our connection, and harms our heart. We hope to find some help and tools as we pay deliberate attention somehow over the summer.

As the caretaker, God surely offers us attention, weeding out what isn’t good, and watering with new energy and life through the bliss of summertime.

In pictures, we want to cultivate in our family whatever it is that brings this amount of joy and life to Oakley’s face- to all of us!

photo 5 (3)photo 4 (9)photo 3 (12)

 

Home for Sale

We have a sign outside our house.photo 2 (3)

There are signs inside our house as well. Our home for almost 8 years is now on offer for other inhabitants.

Working down a long list, we’ve sought to present our house as presentable as possible. From cleaning carpets to staining nicks, we’ve dealt in details. We’ve played “If you give a mouse a cookie…” as one thing led to 3 others when we attempted to fix drywall cracks and ended up painting whole walls and rooms.

Our kids have been processing throughout the phases of cleaning up and clearing out. Andi offered up her new alarm clock weeks ago and just this weekend said we could pack up her calendar. She’s not keeping track of time while the house is pulled out from under her. Eli is on a 10 visit karate Groupon experience right now and wants his ninja Halloween headband.I affirm it would add to his look, but told him the Halloween box is buried too deep in the storage we’ve stocked full at GG and Poppy’s garage.

I wasn’t aware quite how much Eli had picked up on until he told Andi last week, “Andi, sorry to tell you this, but you went to Kalidescope at kind of a bad time. You brought home a lot of crafts and stuff and right now, Mom is getting rid of everything. Not getting more stuff.” Turns out, he knows exactly what is going on!

Some before and after shots of the prepping for sale phases:

A usual day in the family room

A usual day in the family room

 

Welcome to the wide open spaces...

Welcome to the wide open spaces…

kitchen busy in February

kitchen busy in February

 

Cleared out in March

Cleared out in March

Oakley is aware only of the fact that things are moved around which makes whatever it is more exciting and worth exploring anew. Saturday, we turned the book shelf in their room 90 degrees. Oaks now feels full access to reading as well as unshelving the “new” books.

Drew and I have traded to-do lists and challenged, cheered on, and cajoled each other. As a team, we don’t always align on the what (“I only want the utensils left out. ” vs. “The utensils are the thing I want hidden the most.”), the when (“NOW?” “NOW!”), or  the who (“You e-mail the realtor and I’ll tell your mom we’re bringing over MORE stuff…”), but we share the same goal. We’ve worked hard together and helped each other out, and we’ve done it all during TAX SEASON and the CLEAN EATING CHALLENGE for goodness sake! Let’s just say the Lindsey and Drew of 2008, never would have made it through, but 2014 Linds and Drew love with more patience, trust, and respect. We’ve built our family in this house and together, we’ll move it on.

The clean out has eliminated lots of excess. Trips to dumpsters, thrift stores, and the generous garage storage at the O’s has left our house, usually busting at the seams, pretty empty. Without all the extras, the essentials of our lives are illuminated. 

Osborne essentials:

-beds for 3 kids in one room (we cannot declutter their beds no matter how smushy it looks in that little room!)

Kids room for show

Kids room for show

-box of blocks

-shelf of library books

-bucket of balls (Oaks has a deep passion for balls of a variety of sizes and weights- there is a bucket on both levels)

-kiddo basketball hoop, hockey sticks, and plastic golf clubs (see: “bucket of balls” above)

-princess dress-up dress box

-shoe boxes of treasures for Eli and Andi’s “collections”

School papers will now transfer straight from backpacks to recycling or save boxes. Unbolted is the swing beam that swung our kids from the deck and tree in the backyard. Closed the toilet, shower curtain, and closet doors will stay. Gone is the desk (the computer lives under our bed unless being used in the kitchen or atop the washer), un-stuck are the words that read “Love One Another” in our bedroom and “You are Liked and Loved, Prized and Precious, Capable and Curious, Blessed to be a Blessing” in the kids room. The writing is off the walls but etched in our heads and hearts. We’ve taken down our touches, inviting lookers to see themselves here.

Eli ran from the backyard on Saturday and saw the sign just planted in the front yard. He stopped dead in his tracks, his skinny shoulders slumped, and his face dropped as he sighed a heavy sigh. Not seeing me watching him at first, my voice startled him when I asked, “What do you think Eli?” “Bummed.” he said.

Indeed, we’ve loved living here. The excitement to sell and move is tempered by trepidation and regret of what moving will cost us- in terms of neighborly friendships especially. To have brought three kids home here make the place holy. We’ve hosted family and great friends, making major memories in the meager spaces.

It’s offered up now for someone else who can live their life here.

We’ve cleaned and cleared it…Let them come.

 

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The Presence of Participation

I am tasked with many to-dos, animated by achievement, motivated and able to multi-task. I love a good list and a learned lesson. I am blessed with my family, fired up by things worthy and others not worth it at all. I love to work hard, rest relaxed, and play with the people in my life.

Put all of this together with the fact that we live in a small house, I work two part-time jobs plus carry other sporadic vocational ventures, have three active children, and a diet that requires me to avoid processed foods and create everything from scratch, there are days I blow my short fuse, crumple in defeat, get too easily overwhelmed, and/or become the parent I am ever trying not to be: impatient, angry, and frustrated. (There’s a wife I want to be too, but that’s another post!)

I heard a story at Winter Training about a dad and his big riding lawnmower attacking a mow overdue. The acre of creeping tall grass , beckoned this dad out to work.  His young son, maybe a 3 year old, followed him out the door with his own plastic lawn mower in tow. While the dad  mowed the grass down from 3 ft to 3 inches, the son playfully plodded along with his plastic, achieving only what he could pretend. Producing nothing of real effect, creating perhaps more hassle than offering help, the desire to be present, to participate in whatever small way he could, offers a realization of what matters.

Just last week, Oakley amazed me mid-morning. He grabbed an apple sticker from the kitchen floor, walked over to the cabinet hiding the trash can, opened the door and dropped the tiny sticker in! I couldn’t believe it! Having watched others, he figured he would give it a try himself.

Often Oaks is the opposite of trash depositor. At this age (16 months tomorrow!) he is into all things being out (of a drawer/cabinet/MY PURSE), off (a table top or book shelf), and down (from a coffee table or dresser). He currently loves “helping” with the laundry by taking folded clothes OUT of the drawers in Eli and Andi’s dresser, down the hall to my room. Most unhelpful of his “help” these days comes while I sweep the kitchen floor.

While I sweep everything into a pile, Oakley comes to swish that pile around with his hand, snack off the scraps, or stomp on the crunchies. It doesn’t matter that I try to sweep in secret- starting while I see he’s deeply concentrating on a toy in the next room. Oaks comes to find me. He’s determined and deliberate in his swept- pile swiping. On those wound too tight by too-ambitious-of-a-list-of-to-dos kind of days,  Oakley’s presence while I sweep frustrates me. “You’re not helpful” I’ve sung to him in a sweet, sing-song voice as I’ve carried him out of the kitchen.

When I heard the lawn mower story, I realized I had a perspective to grasp. What Oakley wants to do is experience life with me. He wants to come alongside me, learn from me, but mostly BE with me. He is in large part, NOT helpful, it’s true. He can’t produce any real effect on to-do tasks. What he deeply wants to do is participate, join in, and be a part of the process in any way he can.

In Florida, I heard from God on all of this.

God, as Perfect Parent, invites US, little, clumsy, incapable, largely-unhelpful, us, to participate with God in what God is doing. God, building a kingdom, invites our participation and wants us to be present with God, no matter how little real effect we have in producing anything ourselves.

“Just be with me”, God invites. “I’m doing big and powerful things (mowing tallllll grass, sweeping disastrous floors, healing people, reconciling wrongs, loving the least…) and you can come be with me. Bring your plastic mower, your swishing hand that will make a mess of my work along the way, and your heart to be next to me- learning from me, being loved by me. Together we can do something that makes a difference.”

Oakley- I’m sorry I said you were unhelpful. Eli, Andi, and Oaks, I’m sorry I sometimes get frustrated by the messes you’re making or get claustrophobic by your hands and feet hanging on me, in the middle of my “work”. I treasure that you want to BE with me. I’m humbled you are learning from me.  I can’t wait to do big things that make a difference as we work together with the One whose Presence, with our participation, changes the world.