A Letter

Messages of hate,  shaming lies, accusations of misbehavior, exaltation of ego and power, ignorance of right and wrong, name calling, finger pointing, backlash, deceit, injustice, malice, and confusion surround the now very public case of sexual crimes in a small town north of where I live about 65 miles.  A case was built but then dropped months ago and a newspaper story has brought it back to light. When Drew and I read about it in our local paper, our hearts ached and our heads filled with questions and concerns. It seemed the justice system was more focused on excusing the wrong than protecting the victims. We felt angst and agony for a family who had lost so much and struggled severely when such a personal pain became so publicly debated, criticized, and contended.

Having suffered physical and emotional abuse during the actual crime, and then the social degradation of herself and her family in the months that followed in a small town setting, the torture this girl endures in her head is undoubtedly consuming. The original newspaper article said she had attempted suicide more than once. Makes me sickeningly sad.

The morning I read it, I thought about writing a letter. Writing to a family to express sadness and support in any small way. It seemed they had received enough menacing meanness from strangers that perhaps a stranger with a message of a simple “I’m so sorry” and “We read your story and our hearts hurt” would help. Despite having the idea, I hesitated. Who am I to think I have something worthwhile to say? Why listen to a stranger? What if they don’t share faith and have too hurt too much to hope? It’s probably not my place to say anything… 

It’s been a week ago now and I haven’t written the letter; I did find a possible mailing address. Today, I’m using this post as a draft of what I might say to someone I don’t know, to whom I haven’t earned the right to say anything, about  a situation that is so painful, muddled, and public that there isn’t really anything to say that can fix it…alas, here is what I might say if I did write:

To a Loved Little Lady-

I am so, so sorry for all you’ve suffered. You have been lied to and abused, injured and violated, taken advantage of and humiliated. The actions and choices of others have no doubt negatively impacted your body, mind, and soul. Not only you, but your family as well,  suffers the fallout consequences of painful wrongs. Your innocence has been stolen but your identity and future need not be shattered.

What has happened to you does not define who you are. You are defined outside of your circumstances by the love with which you were created and in which you are sustained. You are a precious person- no mistake, yours or another’s, changes your invaluable worth.  Just the way you are, you have gifts, talents, abilities and a future.

Personally, I believe in a loving God who created people for loving relationships with God, other people and oneself. The God I believe in is the opposite of evil, lies, abuse, degradation, and hate. God stands on the side of the helpless, the suffering, the victims, and the belittled, and offers peace and presence in the midst of pain. God hears the cries of those who seek justice. 

When people who knew God really well had something to say, whether it was anger, indignation, shock, surprise or worship- they cried out to God. Some of their cries sounded like this:

“Lord- you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will listen to their cries and comfort them. You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed, so people can no longer terrify them” Psalm 10:17-18

“God is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit”. Psalm 34:18

“The Lord lifts the burdens of those bent beneath their loads...He cares for the orphans and the widows, but he frustrates the plans of the wicked.” Psalm 146:8-9

Jesus, who lived on earth like us to show what God is like, lifted up women who were tossed out by their town (John 4:1ff, 8:1-11), degraded by men (Luke 7:36ff), or stuck in agony (Mark 5:24ff). Jesus wept with families who grieved (John 11:35) and restored hope to families who had suffered greatly.  Jesus came not to condemn but for love.  Jesus lifted up the cause of the widow and the left out. When everyone else was judging who he hung out with and why, Jesus was relentless in his pursuit of people who needed love the most. God sent Jesus to live and to heal, restore, revive, rebuild, and raise up the hope of the anguished, to bring peace to the persecuted.

You are a beloved child. Your life matters. You were created with purpose and are designed to live life as it is fully meant to be lived. You are cherished and deserving of love, respect, honor, and esteem.

May you hear the voice of the Advocate who whispers, “You can overcome. Do not fear. Do not believe the lies. You are okay. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are important.  You will make it. ” in times when the voices of disrespect and violation seek to seep in your head or fill your heart.  

May you have the confidence and power to walk, run, play, live, risk, adventure, dance, sing, learn and teach, daily. I wish you healing and hope, peace and love. May you be free from what has come before, to live loved into what’s ahead. 

With humble thanks for hearing me out, 

Lindsey

Off the cuff and out of my head with what time I had today, this is a bit of what I believe and what I think. But will it send?

 

 

ONE whole Year

 

Our sweet one year old

Our sweet one year old

photo 4

On his birthday- with uncles at the US World Team Match at Sporting Park. Yay Uncles!

Oakley Andrew Osborne entered our world, hearts, and lives on 10-11-12…which means he was one on Friday, 10-11-13. We heralded his birthday with a balloon, banana bread, and the birthday song. He enjoyed the 4 of us smiling, singing, and staring at him. He is into clapping so our birthday antics were graciously applauded. He went out to Sporting Park for Uncle Adam’s birthday tailgate and then spent his birthday night on his first sleepover with GG and Poppy while the rest of us went to a wedding far away for our dear friend Lauren.

Oakley is a gift and the whole last year has been one of the best because of his presence in it. Oakley went a lot of places as a little tiny human and is gregarious with any level of acquaintance- close family members invoke outstretched arms, distant strangers receive full-face smiles as a greeting.

From the very beginning, Oakley was an alert and strong baby. Oaks has always kicked his legs with big, big kicks, and most often, moves all his limbs at once, with strong, fierce even, movements and a yell as well.

His first attentions were captured by his siblings and he loved following them as soon as he could focus his eyes, and now, with his crawl (one knee and one leg up- like Eli!) Eli jumps over him and has a lot of tolerance for how Oakley takes apart his Lego creations. Andi couldn’t snuggle Oaks enough as a baby and was the other part of our fearsome threesome last year. Andi helped me with Oakley on her own initiative and we miss her during school days this year but celebrate her continued motivation to play with and love on him.

Pensive pumpkin perusal

Pensive pumpkin perusal

This is the full face smile! Oakley is loved by some CO Bronco fan family!

This is the full face smile! Oakley is loved by some CO Bronco fan family!

Oakley went on a work overnight with me at 6 weeks and to Colorado for Thanksgiving as a 2 month old. We went to Colorado for March’s Spring Break where I left him for 3 whole days with Maama while I went to a training. Heather’s wedding took us to California in May when Oakley was 7 months old and a trooper through 4 plane flights. 3 weeks after California we went to Quinton and Erica’s wedding in Chicago and 3 weeks after that, Castaway. We went to Colorado for Labor Day after camping in early August. Oakley went to a late April Royal’s game, a May San Francisco Giants game, and a September Rockies game.

Clapping at the Rockies game

Clapping at the Rockies game

Oakley joined the pace and plans of our life and added to them. In a new place with new people, Oakley is ready to love and engage indiscriminately. He seems to love life, appreciate adventure, and chooses being with people.

He reads the atmosphere of games, parties, or Young Life clubs- cheering, clapping, or “singing” enthusiastically and appropriately! Oakley speaks with deep grunts, happy squeals, and consonant repetitions of “mah”, “dah”, “bah” and his first word, “Night-Night”. Oakley is very sweet, busy, boisterous, now opinionated, fast, happy, contented, distract-able  intense, industrious, aware, social, joyful, talkative, strong, often snuggly, always wiggly, mostly messy, and always ours.

Sweet 10 month year old

Sweet 10 month year old

Thank you Oakley for the smiles, the way you feel joy with your whole face, hug with your whole arms and head, and now “crawl-run” to us when you want to feel or give love.

Thank you Oakley for giving me the chance to be a mom all over again at an older age. I feel like I’ve been more relaxed and have valued the small, powerful moments of motherhood for all of my kids a little bit more. Thank you for letting me work and be your Mommy and for forgiving me when I’ve made mistakes already.

You’ve grown our family into 5 and expanded the capacity of kids who can fit and sleep in one small room to 3! We wanted you, waited for you, welcomed you, and now enjoy and treasure you. We can’t wait to see you become more and more of who you are, because who you are so far, is wonderful.

Happy birthday Boo. We celebrate all ONE of YOU!

Standing tall! He's ONE

Standing tall! He’s ONE

 

Quality Camping

photo (13)

Applefest cider and parade candy spoils. Yum!

photo 3

Harper in the driver’s seat…is it legal to drive with shoes on the wrong feet? With that smile? YES!

photo 4

Packed up to pack out…full trailer, full hearts, can’t lose.

photo (15)

Fall afternoon paddle boat ride (here might be a good place to note that despite the lack of adults in these photos- no child was actually allowed to operate or drive a moving vehicle…photographic purposes only)

photo 2

Andi girl in the driver’s seat…with a roasting stick seat belt…a safety paradox I let slide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drew and I spent last Friday evening trying to get low…as far down into our house as possible, seeking cooler temperatures and less humidity. The thermostat in our house mocked us with its 83 degree interior temp…it was only 78 outside at the time (8:18pm) and also outdoors, a breeze! We couldn’t bring the wind inside so we plugged in a fan and sat as still as possible.

Why? you ask, did we not just turn on our AC? We didn’t turn the AC on Friday night because we knew a change in weather was coming. We went to bed windows open, without a sheet, and sure enough, woke up clamoring for blankets and furiously shutting windows at 4am. The temperature Saturday morning was 35 degrees cooler- God had turned on the AC out of doors.

All of this is just to say, drastic temperature changes and a sneaky head cold that stole my voice but would not thwart my fun, could not stop us from a wonderful weekend adventure: Weston Apple Fest and Fall Family Camping with the Sollars.

We sweated through the pack-up Friday night, digging out winter clothes bins for all three children, while sweating in shorts and a tank top. I packed gloves, hats, and extra socks for kids who haven’t spent a day out of shorts and Crocs since last April. We prepared and packed and panicked a bit but were ready and on the road in the crisp cool sunshine of that 50 degree Saturday morning.

At 9:15 Saturday morning, we dropped Oakley off for a Castaway reunion with Michelle, the Nanny, Graves, and Miss Carol. His crawling, eating off the ground, small, immature body-temp regulating self, was going to have to sit out the camping and enjoy a weekend indoors with people who love him dearly.

By 10am, we were parked in Weston, MO piling on whatever warm clothes we’d managed to dig out,  and walking towards the warm, friendly, nostalgic stage that is downtown Weston on AppleFest weekend.

We found a spot along the parade route; the kids readied their candy bags. Bands, flags, shiny old cars, colorful old tractors, and friendly old people, shared candy, waves, and goodwill for almost an hour. Cups of apple cider, buns of brats, dogs, and pulled pork, and the epic apple dumplings with ice cream filled our bellies and expectations of greatness. Eli and Andi had great memories of Applefest 2012 (which happened to be my due date for Oaks and a cold cold day spent with Maama and James and Laura), and were once again overjoyed to spend the morning in all things fall and apple with friends.

We left Weston and headed north to St. Joe, to the land of Peaceful Valley and the hopsitality of Jim and Janeen Burnham. The fourwheeler was hitched up to its trailer and the ponds shimmered with sunlight. We had everything we needed (except pillows! which Ginny Orf would heroically provide within the hour) and the day before us.

The camping overnight was wonderful. Very relaxing to have kids in open space with no worry of disturbing camping neighbors or running into the campground road. They played freely and creatively with all nature had to provide- pulling mussel shells out of the pond, riding in the paddle boat or kayaks, and swinging the hatchet at any available, unsuspecting stump.

We ate yummy black forest ham, provolone cheese and apple butter sandwhiches toasted over open flames for dinner, had 2 smore’s each at night fall and awoke to eat eggs, sausage, bacon, and pancakes with coffee and cream (or OJ (Drew) and Capri Suns (kids)) for breakfast.Everyone slept cuddly in the cold and all the way until 7:15am! Brave and giggly, Harper Kate and Andi Girl had their own little tent and needed no interventions all night! Way to go girls!

I love camping and the trip this past weekend is up there with some of the best I’ve experienced. As one who has camped for over 30 years of my life, I offer this recipe for camping success to anyone interested in adventuring.

A Great Camping Trip:

Ingredients:

family
friends
gear
a site with trees
open space on the calendar
a willingness to work- before, during and after

Essentials:

-tent
-sleeping pads (we love our Thermarests)
-sleeping bags and pillows
                                                                           –camping box components:                                                                                                                           propane stove, propane, pots, pans, plates, silverware, cups, napkins, ziploc                                                                                                       baggies, dish soap, tongs, spatula/turner, large spoons, one sharp knife, simple spice                                                                                      collection, PAM spray, foil, bungee cords, dish towels and wash cloths, clothesline,                                                                                          table cloth, large mixing bowl, mugs, tea kettle, dishwashing plastic tubs, lighters,                     french press for coffee

food-gathered from a strategically planned list
**first shop the list, then prep as much as possible at home, then make another list of everything you carefully bought and prepped that needs to be grabbed out of the fridge and cabinets and put into a cooler!
drinks– of all varieties for all ages and times of day- more is more!
camp chairs– one per camper at minimum and arm rests with cup holders are best
wood and fire starting kindling
fun– books, games, footballs, frisbees, bocce ball, boats, bikes, hammock, etc..
shoes for hiking and slip-ons for anyone going in and out of the tents
teamwork- as a husband and wife team especially, and between families as well
flexiblity – intentionality – playfulness – grace -stillness – ways to mark the moments

 I was blessed to be exposed to camping as a kid (Colorado style- still the best!) and love the memories of my family camping trips- just the six of us Sustads or the whole Sustad/Buchan and Grammy and Granddad shebangs!

Here’s to camping “vacations”! – as in vacating modern conveniences such as toilets, mattresses, stoves, microwaves, and sinks, and grabbing a hold of gifts: less noise, having nothing else to do, family time all together, quality conversations with friends, laughs and hugs, walks and wood chopping, going to bed without washing your face, and waking up sore, still sleepy and so grateful to be outside, under the expanse of blue sky.

Girls...just an afternoon of chatting lakeside.

Girls…just an afternoon of chatting lakeside.

photo 1

Boys 1- Stump 0 Dustin’s rule: You must be twice as long as the hatchet you wield.

 

 

All that’s Fair and Who is Good

In Matthew 20, the parable of the vineyard workers, Jesus tells a story about what God’s heart and the world under God’s reign and rule (read: kingdom) is like.

For context, all of chapter 20 is a lesson in humility. First this parable, then Jesus’ admission of the ever-more-imminent suffering and death in his future, next, a mom clamoring for status for her sons in the hierarchy that she believes might dominate even the ranks of Jesus’ disciples, and finally, the only people who have eyes to see (heads to understand and souls that believe) are blind people! For Jesus the teacher, this is an exhausting chapter- hadn’t anyone been listening at all in the previous 19 chapters?!

Concentrating within the vineyard worker parable in 20:1-16, I love the challenges and the revelation of Jesus’ upside down way to run a business, work a job, view our peers, and drop the scales.

Matthew 20- Upside Down and Inside Out

Invitation via Pursuit…

The landowner heads to the marketplace to invite workers to his field. He goes FOUR different times, extending the invitation for work. The workers don’t have to come begging at his door- he goes to them.

Work that’s more than Work…

When the workers go to the vineyard, they receive promise of “a fair day’s wage” as well as purpose and community. When he invites the last workers (verse 6 and 7), I hear him saying, “I don’t need you as much as you need this…go and work with your hands, join the others- be a part of something bigger than yourself that’s creating something. We shouldn’t work alone. Come, join in”

Payment with a Purpose…

In verse 8, the landowner clearly directs the foreman to pay the workers their wage by paying the last ones hired first, and then the earliest ones hired, last. Everyone will know what others are being paid- a socially unacceptable move today- we don’t ask each other how much we make. You’ll find out why in the next verses…

When it becomes clear ALL workers will be paid the SAME EXACT AMOUNT, the longest tenured workers are outraged- they were paid for a whole day the same as people who worked for one hour!?! It’s not fair!

I’m with the workers on this one. I get that this is a story about God’s kingdom, and I know it’s upside down, different than our world, but I’m right-brain dominate, type A, transactional in my thinking, and more truth than grace generally, so I read this and think, “This is not right. It makes NO sense.”  In America’s free market economy, which honors hard work and personal productivity, this is nonsensical. My mind is blown, my insides are twisty.  You simply cannot pay everyone the same- it doesn’t add up.

What is Fair and Who is Good?…

The longest workers are admonished by the landowner: called out for being jealous, envious, and for making a judgment call that wasn’t theirs to make. He rebuffs their protest and refuses to give any legitimacy to their claim of unfairness.

It is not up to the workers to decide what is fair or to rank the efforts and contributions of others. The heart of the landowner is revealed, and he doesn’t weigh things on the world’s scale. Worth and dignity are not handed out only to those who work the hardest, but to those who are picked last.

The long, hard workers have a choice- harbor bitterness? or choose to trust? Yes, it wasn’t fair, it didn’t make sense, but the landowner is good.

With Jesus, we must be willing to risk our own efforts not being rewarded. We might be befuddled by others being lifted up and us being left out, and in that loneliness, the raw place of being “wronged” or cheated, we must trust, in his great, great kindness.

We need not be jealous, he is kind.

When we are last, we will be first. When we get the chance, we must look for the chance to lift up the last, or at least get out of the way for Jesus to move them to the front. It’s not fun to go from first to last but that is the invitation I read in Matthew 20.

When I am last, I connect better with Jesus, who is kind.

I can be last, because He is GOOD.

 

 

 

 

 

Crossfit- 2 years!

It’s a fall of anniversaries. I wrote a few weeks ago about 11 years of YL staff, the milestone of Andi’s kindergarten initiation, and in a few short weeks, I will attempt to capture the essence of all that is Oakley’s 1st birthday! Time flies, ticks away, and marches on indeed.

Saturday night was a great anniversary evening- a celebration of the 2 year life of Crossfit Northland (CFN). I’m humbled to have been a part of the CFN story for about 28 months- joining the early crowd of wandering WOD-ers who boot-camped around Northland parks, tracks, and spare rooms until the gym officially opened in September of 2011.photo (7)

I spent most of 2012 pregnant and the gym grew up and out of it’s space as well just after the 1st anniversary/birthday celebration. When the gym moved to its present location near the airport (7900 NW 100th St  Kansas City, MO 64153), I had a 3-month-old baby and some catching up to do. Regular strength components were added to the gym agenda as well as more classes, additional equipment, and new members. For all of its first 20 months, CFN offered a comprehensive class schedule of challenging workouts under the leadership of 3 committed coaches! Brian, Dustin, and Manny carried a huge coaching load on top of their full time jobs and families.

I was invited to consider joining the coaching staff in the Spring of 2013 and was excited and humbled to receive my Level 1 Certificate, alongside my brother-in-law James and gym friend Nathan, on April 28th. This week I’ll coach my 50th class (yes I’ve been counting!) and celebrate the milestones not only I’ve been able to reach (whew! finally pushed past a 135 back squat!) but milestones and threshold breakthroughs of clients and members I’m privileged and honored to lead as a coach.

Crossfit has taken off and grown exponentially around the country and world in the past few years. Carrying with it certain stereotypes, like all brands, Crossfit is the deserving recipient of praise and criticism from inside it’s ranks and the wider public.

Crossfit is not best for everyone, is not the only way to get an effective workout, and is not the sole owner of excellence in fitness. Crossfit is expensive, involves risks, and can be consumingly competitive. There are role models and villains who do Crossfit and plenty of loud voices, tattoos, and athlete body enhancements that happen because of surgery instead of sweat.

While I fully admit all it’s flaws, I heartily celebrate and endorse it’s strengths.

Crossfit is the best and most effective way for me to work out. Crossfit has offered me benefits far outweighing the risks. Through Crossfit, I have received: strength, health of body and mind, a healthy, strong pregnancy, delivery and a speedy recovery from baby #3, friendships, networking connections, caring child care assistance, increased wellness and nutritional accountability, the chance to encourage others and receive encouragement, and a job. Crossfit has exposed my weaknesses (coordination, agility, whatever it is that makes one able to do toes-to-bar…) and pushed me to get better. Crossfit has allowed me to exercise the body God has given me in ways it was meant to move.

The beauty of the core of Crossfit is not its novelty but in its integration. In staying simple, concrete, and connected as a whole, an athlete can be challenged to push the body past current levels of fitness while being safe and having fun!

By definition, Crossfit is “constantly varied, functional movements, executed at high intensity.” The body works as a connected whole in the most efficient and safe manner- Crossfit simply asks the body to move as it was built to move.

Having Oakley more mobile now provides a daily visual of the heart of Crossfit- he holds his lumbar curve as he sits completely photo (1)upright. His squat is low, loaded and easy. Beautifully, like all babies, he has developed from core (his large tummy, back, and chest muscles) to his extremities (now he’s figuring out the nuances of these legs, hands, fingers and feet).

Crossfit encourages all athletes to move any heavy load from core to extremity (engaging abs, glutes, and lumbar spine) before recruiting from small muscle groups (arms, wrists, hands etc..). Crossfit emphasizes “full range of motion” to ensure joints and muscles are extended, elongated, and explosive. Functional movements require that no muscles are used in isolation, and afford athletes the benefits of a safe, natural, and effective ability to move large loads over far distances, quickly. Most importantly, they are tied into what’s essential to living a long, healthy, and independent life.

Crossfit reminds me that my body is a gift, a tool, and must be ready for anything (grocery carrying, baby-producing, 7 year old chasing/racing, up and over something climbing, swimming/running/playing at any invitation, and much more!) anytime. I am much stronger, a little faster, and more in tune with how my body moves, what it needs, and how to ta

ke on a challenge mentally and psychically.

The expense of Crossfit is no chump change. Money spent showcases values and for Drew and me, Crossfit is well worth the financial investment. We pay about as much for our monthly membership as we do for our AT&T mobile phone plan. For the money every month, I get health and entertainment. I get less of me (hopefully the pounds go away and stay off!) and more of other people- CFN is a fun community of great people who challenge and care for each other.

photo (11)

Drew’s max height box jump last May- 48 inches!!!

Thank you Crossfit for the 2 years now and the health-ful, long life I’ll live from here on out! 

I boldy attempted and conquered the Santa Rosa Marines challenge- a 70 second flex hang in May!

I boldy attempted and conquered the Santa Rosa Marines challenge- a 70 second flex hang in May!

 

Vehicular Vow

This is a sensitive post. I’m doing this publicly on purpose: to state my own intentions and invite others in. I have thought about this for 5 days and anticipate the personal and communal accountability as a permanent life change in this fast paced world.

I am ever a sucker for multi-tasking, for “Just one more thing”, and for thinking “Sure, I can do that too“. I live my life fitting lots into little, thinking while talking, and wanting to fill most any spare moments with markers and memories. When my kids ask for an adventure, I don’t question their quest. When I’m too tired and impatient to honor what I consider an indulgence, I know I’m partly to blame for their insatiable thirst for more, all the time, at once.

During Lent, I apply limits that create space. One consistent discipline over the past 5  Lenten observances, has been for me to turn off the radio in my car. This is helpful in giving me space to be present to pray, hear, and be. What I haven’t turned off over the past 5 years of Lent is talking on my phone. Seems too unproductive to NOT talk to my mom while driving 30 minutes away to meet my college friends.With the advent of technology, the connectivity of our lives is blessedly easy. I used to count the minutes carefully and save them studiously until 9pm, or for the weekends, when Drew and I were dating long distance, and I was keeping in touch with my family in Colorado. Now, minutes are as plentiful as Minnesota mosquitoes and our cell phones are as necessary to daily function as toilet paper (yes, I did in fact make this analogy to Drew in the last month).

I’m far from the first to propose that the cost of connectivity is almost as expensive as the blessings are generous. Often my phone interrupts me in the moment, creates a distraction where I should be focused, and invites me to disengage mentally or relationally when I could be, and probably should be, checked in instead of out. Luckily for me, my phone has not cost me anything so dear as life, limb or Lexus (read “Honda Odyssey” for an increase in factuality but a decrease in alliteration), but the dangers of texting and driving, or even talking and driving, have been creeping into my consciousness for the last few months. First, my sister had a “no texting” sticker on the front of her phone that got me thinking- she had taken a pledge at a community event geared for teens. For the last couple of years, Drew and I have suggested to each other to “cut it out” and not text and drive (“Especially not on the highway at high speeds”, or  “I just do it only at a stoplight”). We try to call each other out on it when we get caught- in a most edifying and encouraging manner of course.

Newspaper stories of devastating life losses because of distracted driving always draw me in and remind me of the severity of our constantly connected indulgences. People who crash their cars while texting aren’t malicious or even negligent, they are just like me, except I’ve been lucky that my moments of distraction have been on more empty roads at different times of the day.

Even without a phone, I can be a distracted, productive, efficient driver. Driving across Kansas as a college student in a 1987 Nissan Sentra with no AC or cruise control, and a bungee cord holding the 5th gear in place, I would sometimes read a novel while I drove. I have changed out of sweaty clothes and applied make-up while driving. I often file my finger nails, and almost always pass back snacks, drinks, books, kleenex, and gum to kids in the back seats. I can rub a baby head, put in a binky, and serve dinner while driving. If I really think about it, I do these things out of neccessity (must control the snot!, quiet the crying!), but mostly out of boredom, arrogance (“Because I can…“), entitlement (“It’s my phone… I should be productive/entertained/connected), and convenience. Texting while driving often seems necessary (“I’m on my way”) and productive (especially if its just at a light and because I’m thinking of something right now that I’ll probably forget by the time I get there). However, I am becoming more and more convinced, it’s simply unnecessary.

Drew sent me a link to a documentary that I chose to watch the day my kids when to school this year (adding pain and sadness to an already emotional day). This video tells 5 grim and gripping stories of families and individuals impacted by texting and driving accidents. Two of the drivers who killed people with their cars because they were writing or reading texts while driving, appear in the video and speak of profound regret, absolute agony, over their unintentional but absolutely life-altering, split-second decision. With heavy hearts, piercing pain, and some unresolved anger, families of victims appear in the video pleading for people to make a change in their habits.

The video did it for me. I vowed, on that ordinary August Wednesday morning, that my texting and driving days were over. I want to stop. I told Drew and a few others. Just last week, I was tempted to slide, to send just a quick and simple, but seemingly important, text while driving. I thought at that point I’d open myself up to others- I’d make my vow, my promise to discipline myself and change my habits, public, inviting others in to check up on me and giving myself the accountability that: I wrote it, so it should be so.

After I had decided to write this post last Tuesday, driving around on Wednesday, I heard an NPR piece on the dangers of distracted driving. The program was helpful in reminding me we delude ourselves into thinking we can do multiple things at once– in reality, our brains cannot effectively multitask. This is especially true of driving which already involves doing multiple things at once- ie: checking a blind spot, reading signs, moving mirrors- all tasks which directly relate to the task of driving, but all which remove our eyes from the road. The statistics were staggering: deaths because of car crashes is the number 1 killer of Americans, and 90% of crashes are caused by distracted drivers.Yes, people do a lot of distracting things while driving: tend to kids, paint their nails, change the station, talk to a passenger, navigate with a GPS, but the overwhelmingly prolific distraction worth measuring and addressing, is drivers on their phones. It’s over 10% of all drivers today and up to 70% in some studies.

Because of the high number of texting drivers, states and cities have moved to pass laws to prohibit texting and driving. Currently, the law in Missouri states drivers under the age of 21 are prohibited from texting and driving. Kansas outlaws texting and driving for all drivers. Some say the laws are not the most persuasive and productive prohibitions. One NPR contributor said the most effective deterrent and most inspiring behavior changing impetus is to “shame each other into behavior changes with dirty looks to drivers on their phones etc…” “Shaming while driving” is only effective if the person to be shamed takes their eyes off their phone to receive the anti-texting stink eye of the driver in their periphery!

Perhaps if there is a law against it, we feel more motivated to hold each other accountable. Alas- I’m just writing to assert my desire to stop this habit in my own life.

I will not text and drive.

I will limit talking on my phone and driving.

I will make an effort to be focused, defensive, aware, and considerate in my driving.

I make this vehicular vow because I believe texting and driving-

  • is not worth it
  • can wait
  • makes me an unsafe driver
  • puts my kids in the back seats at unnecessary risk
  • takes my attention away from the “right here, right now focus” driving deserves
  • first day of school
    Precious cargo: Andi

    Precious cargo: Andi

    IMG_1354 - Copyis not my right, privilege or productive outlet.

    my new car seat!

    Precious cargo: Eli

To physically remove my phone from reach is the most effective way to self-enforce my desired behavior. I do a good enough time of leaving my phone out of sight and sound while I’m a home, I surely can remove it’s tempting presence in the car.

The vow is lofty, intimidating, and feels limiting at times. I’ll probably mess up and cheat. I stand to lose some convenience and connection but cannot imagine the consequences of a distracted driving crash. The benefits of being safe, focused, and alive far outweigh any cons. Want to join me?!

 

 

 

No really, life is a roller coaster

I’ve reached some sort of a personal record: I’ve gone to 2 amusement parks in 7 days in 2 different states.

Last Monday, Labor Day, I couldn’t write a blog because I was at Lakeside Amusement Park in Denver Colorado. We attended as a family with my parents and then drove the rest of the day 3:30pm-1am back to KC. No time to type! Just yesterday, I went to Worlds of Fun here in Kansas City, MO with my good friend Lauren for her Bachelorette party. Both occasions provided fun, excitement, new adventures, and a connection to good memories.

At Lakeside, we were celebrating what has become a tradition in our family- going to Colorado over Labor Day, and going to Lakeside during the holiday weekend. Labor Day weekend only, they have $.10 ride tickets (usually $.50) on top of a $2.50 admission gate fee, per person. It’s a heck of a deal and this year, for the 8 of us to enjoy rides for 3 hours, it cost a grand total of $24. But we don’t really go for the bargain; we go for the blissful simplicity of the thrills.

Eli and Andi on Lakeside Frog Hopper in 2011

Eli and Andi on Lakeside Frog Hopper in 2011

For 108 years, Lakeside has been open and inviting to families. The carousel is one of few absolute originals still in operation but it’s absolutely a functioning original antique. There was tacky duct tape on one golden post but mostly, the paint and the gears, are in fine operating fashion. The carousel was Oakley’s only ride but he loved it.

Oakley's first ride!

Oakley’s first ride!

The operator, tenaciously avoiding 108 year old pigeons with a propensity to poop on him, didn’t even charge Oaks a $.10 ticket.

There are few height restrictions at Lakeside and most rides that do require patrons to stand tall, offer shorter adventurers the option of riding with a taller companion. Most epic is the Cyclone Coaster- a white, wooden roller coaster whose just-off-the-highway presence welcomes all Westbound I-70 travelers to the foothills. Anyone can ride the Cyclone as long as you’re with someone at least 48 inches tall. It’s fast and shaky and most fun from the front. It’s controlled by hand operated levers in the hands of committed and playful operators.

Eli's first ride on the Cyclone

Eli’s first ride on the Cyclone 2011

You

Andi ready to ride the Cyclone

Andi ready to ride the Cyclone

start in a long dark tunnel, crank up the highest ascent, speed and shake down the

Eli and Andi on the kiddie coaster this year

Eli and Andi on the kiddie coaster this year

 

Andi on the kiddie coaster in '11

Andi on the kiddie coaster in ’11

hill, smash into your seat partner around every curve, swing out over the lake on turn 6, and hope the line is short enough to do it again when you pull back into the coaster corral. Eli’s first ride was 2 years ago in 2011 when he rode with Drew. This year it was Andi’s turn for history and she never looked back. She loved it from the very front first and rode with Grandpa the second time.

They both had a hard time choosing between the Cyclone and the Loop-O for their favorite ride. The Loop-O put Andi and Eli into an oval cage with an adult. The seat belt/lap bar combo came down hard across the thighs and was the only think holding anyone in when the cages swung around on their vertical axis and stopped in the agonizing upside down position after every so many swings. Their bravery was commendable and their joy contagious. Something had to motivate us to flip again right?!

World’s of Fun takes one on a newer, larger scaled trip “around the world” with thematically named classic rides (“Autobahn”= bumper cars, “Finnish Fling”= spinning, floor-dropping cylinder which doubles as Eli’s favorite ride, the “Prowler”- a new wooden roller coaster in the African jungle, and the “Viking Voyager”= your classic log ride, which earlier this summer ate our good friend Beckett’s glasses! That Scandinavian, rushing green water can be costly).

photo (15)

The bride ready to ride

With commercialism and a higher price, also come awesome thrills- the high, fast, and smooth Mamba, the spinning and coasting Spinning Dragons, and a giro-scoping side and upside down spinning Zulu to name a few. My inlaws generously bought  season passes for Eli and Andi, and have even more generously taken them for days and nights of fun in heat and chilly air, all summer. My kids are brave and adventurous, unafraid of most any speed or orientation, and grateful for the chance to sit next to someone who loves them during the ride.

We had fun celebrating Lauren and her upcoming nuptials in the 97 degree heat yesterday. I mean a lot of fun. The lines were short or non-existent (guess most people took that heat advisory seriously!) and we walked the whole park.

As I watched the Zulu spin before I rode it myself, I thought, “What is all this?” We willingly put ourselves into small, germy (think of all the sweat on those seats yesterday!) spaces and endure spins, loops, careening hills, and jerking corners. We choose fear and momentary discomfort. We ascend to higher than sane heights, speed at head blistering paces, and come out feeling more alive, and very entertained.

Watching the spins of the Zulu made me think we might be a little crazy, us first-world humans. But we might also be tapping into a tangible reality, a physical representation of what it is to live, parent, age, learn, and work.

You face forward on the Zulu and spin clockwise, at first. Then, the axis rotates and you face forward but spin on an angle. Finally, the axis is completely upended and, without you having shifted your body in its caged space, your whole self (and cage) are rotating upside down. Which way is clockwise if you’re upside down? The ride lasts less than 2 minutes in repeated cycles- just different angles of the axis. I don’t know what you’re picturing and claim it’s a hard ride to explain. So is life.

Everyone understands the metaphor of life as a roller coaster, with its ups and downs. What struck me yesterday is life’s changing angles. Our personal orientation might stay centered, forward, and within the bounds of a cage with a seat and ample foot room. But life turns us steadily upside down. There’s a thrill and a joy and some entertainment to it. And there’s the agony of it’s repetition when the cycle we’re stuck in is pain, disorientation, disappointment, change, or destruction of what we’d known before.

My friend Patti just said, “No one really ever says it, but when you become a parent, you begin a life of change. After your children are born, change starts coming and does not stop. You will endure and face change for the rest of your life as a parent.

She’s right and her saying it made me feel better. So did riding the Zulu. I chose to climb in the cage, buckle up, look forward, follow directions of someone who knew the machine, how it was built, and how I fit within the whole. Then I let the spins, turns, and inversions take me around and around. Sometimes I screamed the whole rotation. The next time I’d stare out to try and see our friends on the ground. On yet another rotation, I focused only on my feet- what was inside the cage with me as we fell.

Life is full, dizzying, fast-paced, and out of my control. And yet, I love my life. I’m grateful. I like feeling upside down from time to time and I like riding in a cage with my self and my family through the twists and turns- being free to move about but held together by the One who crafted the carnival and around Whom every axis spins.

 

 

To 11 Years!

I’m headed to the Gateway Region Young Life Fall Staff Conference this week.  Each fall, as the school year begins, my job changes, restarts, and begins anew as well. I have completed 11 years of vocational ministry- two years full time and the rest part time. This fall is the beginning of my 8th year serving as the Regional Training Coordinator and my 12th year on the Young Life staff.  For the 3rd time in 12 fall staff conferences, I elect to not spend the night in order to breastfeed my baby. I am torn between loving retreats- the focus of time away and the saturation of community- and the once in a lifetime opportunity to feed Oaks. The blessing of the retreat being local is I can do it all!

Awesome Platte Co leaders 2010

Awesome Platte Co leaders 2010

I love the ministry of Young Life. I feel so privileged to have spent my professional life serving inside and being shaped by this mission. I fully believe the heart of Young Life reflects the heart of Christ and the purpose of Young Life is an essential one: sending caring adults to invest in the lives of teenagers as friends and mentors as they navigate the throes of adolescence: figuring out their identity, where and how they belong, and YES!- that they matter- to the world and to the God of the universe who created them and always and ever pursues them.

I had only dated Young Life before I came on staff. I met Young Life while dating Drew in college and was invited into the leadership community of his team at Oak Park with the likes of Brad and Melissa Voigt, Sara Breedlove, and Brad and Sam Anderson. Brett Hersma was the Regional Director. Brett took a chance on hiring me with no real Young Life experience and sent me to Savannah, MO where I began the staff journey.

For 11 years, I’ve been shaped by what’s been said to me or what I’ve read. My peers on the YL staff are amazing people and the kids I’ve become friends with are just awesome. Off the top of my head, here are a few, mostly recent isms about YL and my job on staff. This short list in NO WAY begins to capture the wealth of wisdom, the conglomeration of comments, and the whispers of the Spirit I’ve collected over the years.

YL_9251_Logo_PrimaryAlt_03

 

Here are 11 quotes that sit in my head (today)

and remind me why I do what I do and how Jesus moves in this ministry. 

1. “Young Life is not in the business of taking bad kids and turning them into good kids. Young Life is in the business of taking dead kids and bringing them back to life“- Pat Goodman, New Staff Training, August 2002

2. “I was telling a counselor my story and he said, ‘With all that has happened to you, you shouldn’t even be alive. How have you overcome? Survived?’ and so I told him, “Because of Young Life and my leaders.– Lauren, Fall, 2007

3. “Young Life is an outgrowth of the conviction that Jesus Christ is everything that kids want most, if they just knew it- the most wonderful, the most attractive, the strongest, most gracious, loving person this world has ever seen.. If only every high school kid in this great land could come to know Him! It’s up to us to show them what they’re missing. Let’s keep at it! “...“O Lord Jesus, give us the teen-agers, each one at least long enough for a meaningful confrontation with Thee. We are at best unprofitable servants, but Thy grace is sufficient. O Thou, Holy Spirit, give us the teenagers, for we love them and we know them to be awfully lonely.”– Jim Rayburn, YL’s founder,  praying at a staff conference in the early days around YL’s founding in 1941

Lauren Ashley Payton. My good friend- we met when she was a sophomore in high school in 2004. Now she's getting married in less than two months! Yay LAP!

Lauren Ashley Payton. My good friend- we met when she was a sophomore in high school in 2004. Now she’s getting married in less than two months! Yay LAP!

4. “Lindsey, you are a lot of work, and yet I am never tired of you. I will always want to be with you and will advocate for you. You are loved no matter what and always will be. I never want a break from you.” God, speaking to me in the leader lounge at Crooked Creek in June 2010.

I was there with 14 high school girls, excited to have a break from Eli, almost 3,  and And, just 2, while they spent the week in the loving and capable care of my mom. They were busy and a lot of work in that season- I was sure I would enjoy the break. However, by night 2, at the leader meeting, I came undone. I missed them. I wanted out of camp and to be back with my kids. That’s when the Spirit spoke to me about the unfathomable, unstopping, perfect, parental love of God, expressed in Christ, for me. I spent the rest of the week trying to share the truth of that love with those 14 friends of mine in the cabin.

Mads and Haley- in my Crooked Creek cabin of 2010

Mads and Haley- in my Crooked Creek cabin of 2010

5. “Ministry is like the potter’s wheel. We put ourselves on the wheel as clay- open to be molded and changed. Ministry is what God uses to shape us.– Ray Donatucci, Midwest Divisional Training Coordinator, 2011, 2013- in explaining the Training program to new staff on his “Barnstorming” tour.

6. “I’d get another part-time job in order to keep giving financially to support Young Life. I don’t want to hang out with high school students- it’s not for me- But I believe in it so much I’ll support it generously and pray for the people headed to the high school.”– a donor who led YL for awhile and found out being a volunteer leader was not for her. She now continues to generously give to me and encourages me in the reality that the whole body of Christ ministers together to reach kids. Donors do ministry!!!

7. “This is a really different Christmas. I just never knew that Christmas had anything to do with Jesus until after hearing about Jesus at camp this summer. I’m really excited.” one of my cabin girls in December of 2012. She was a junior and we sat at Panera reveling in the Love that defines Christmas- I couldn’t wait for her to experience the fullness of joy that season, for the FIRST time!

8. “I’ve quit Young Life three times.”– Lyn Tenbrink. Lyn is an all-star staff woman, currently working full time in Michigan as the Divisional Capernaum coordinator. When she spoke at a leader weekend a year ago, she encouraged me to pay attention to God’s voice calling me into different forms of ministry at different stages of life. I quit volunteer leading after 9 years…just taking a break. That’s my first “quit” and I’m getting antsy to get back in the game!

Oh Muck Fest

Oh Muck Fest

 

9. “Lindsey, you need triggers that remind you that Jesus has brought you here and is with you here.“- Tom Pruden, my boss, 2013, reminding me in moments of being overwhelmed by life as a mom and a minister, that Jesus IS and I am ok. 

10. “Whenever you’re wondering if club was a success, simply ask,  ‘Did kids have fun? Did they hear about Jesus?’ That’s all that really matters.”– Peach, perhaps passing on a Hinde-ism, about the simplicity of Young Life- letting kids be kids, loving them where they are, and sharing with them the very very Good News.

11. “I want us to have fun together. I want us to be people who pray.” Brett Hersma, at Assigned Team Training 2013, leading us to dream about who we wanted to be as a team. Indeed- my most recent Castaway assignment was filled with lots of fun with people and rich times of praying with and for others.

Shoot, I miscounted and over-thought. Here’s one more…for going forward, in year 12.

12. “We have to be excited. What are you excited about? The God of the universe has given us everything we need and we get to live each day with him. Let’s stop talking about being busy and talk about what makes us excited!” Binny Pearce, Spring 2013, celebrating her birthday and encouraging a room full of women to live into Jesus’ blessings and out for the world for Him. Binny began a good work for Young Life in Platte County and God is continuing to complete it. Binny and Bill are blessings, wise sages, and the best cheerleaders. They are a rich blessing in my life.

Castaway tableau 2013

Castaway tableau 2013

Moving forward, I’m challenged, excited, and eager. I love that my job enables me to use my gifts and my seminary degree. I’ve interviewed for other jobs twice and keep coming back to how much I feel this job fits what I am built to do and love doing- teaching, theologically and missionally, and investing in people.

For as long as I’m called and capable, I’m here and I feel grateful.

 

 

 

Andi’s pink backpack and the chronicle to Kindergarten

This is the first Monday of the rest of our lives. School started in the Park Hill School District last Wednesday, so we sent Eli to first grade and Andi to kindergarten!

Now, everything  normal and rhythmic has changed. Everything we’d built over the past 10 months, all the adjustments we made when Eli began the daily exodus from our house to school, all Andi and I knew to be true about life together at home with Oakley, changed with one rumble of the big yellow bus.

Last year, I was wrecked on the first morning of school. Emotionally I couldn’t handle the fact that Eli was leaving for most of the day, EVERY DAY.  The fact that Eli was so ready and very excited to go to school helped soothe the shock and pain. For Andi Girl, things seemed a bit tenuous all the way to the end- which was the beginning.

The journey of getting to Andi to kindergarten was marked with confusion, hesitation, glimpses of excitement, absolute refusal to go, and any other adjectives that describe the opposite of “excited to go to kindergarten.”

In April, at her 5th birthday party, Andi received a new backpack for school from Maama. Many people wrote about her going to school in their cards- it was by far the most predominant theme for her 5 year old cards. In the middle of opening presents, she stopped, genuinely concerned and confused, and asked, “Am I going to school right now?” We said no, offered her the present with a princess dress in it and put it out of all of our heads.

In June, Andi went to summer school for three weekse. Her summer school teacher was Mr. Richards, a regular Kindergarten teacher at Tiffany Ridge. She had a fine time but wondered why we weren’t using her cool new, big backpack from her birthday. We explained, “That’s for when you go to kindergarten.” Perplexed, she cocked her head to the side and tentatively asserted, “I am going to Kindergarten.” At this point, Eli stepped in to explain, “This isn’t real kindergarten Andi, it’s summer school.”  We hoped it was all clear after that helpful bit from an older brother who was in “not real” first grade summer school himself.

Once later in the summer, someone asked her if she was going to kindergarten and Andi said, “I already went.” Shoot, the summer school experience was really throwing a wrench in how we were preparing and planning for Andi’s kindergarten career!

By the middle of July, summer school was mostly forgotten and we were in the throws of shared family life at Castaway. Andi was probably asked 20 times if she was excited to go to kindergarten, and 20 times Andi answered in the adverse.

“No, I’d rather stay home with my mom.”

“No, I don’t want to go.”

“Nope.”

“No, I want to wait.”

I was a lot nervous. If it was hard for me to let Eli go when he was so ready last year, how was I going to let/make Andi go if she wasn’t interested! We took to preparing the best we could.

-We went school supply shopping and packed up that new backpack.

-Geeg gave Andi new school clothes and shoes.

-Over and over we affirmed the fun, new friends, exciting adventures she would have.

-She received news that Mr. Richards would be her teacher for the school year as well.  This was welcome and helpful news.

-As much as we could, we celebrated her growing up and joining Eli in all she had merely viewed from the outside last year.

Last week, in the waning days of summer, we tried to slow down while still stuffing as much summer fun into every day and night. Monday evening we took all the school supplies to their new classrooms, saw their seats, and chatted with their teachers. Andi lit up in her room. She was happy to see Mr. Richards and took to organizing her supplies with excitement and pride. Eli was quick to pick up on the subtle differences between Kindergarten and first grade and looked forward to having some familiar faces in his class. We went to the Royals v. Marlins game that night in a sweet suite thanks to a Windward Financial invite. Back to School and Windward night at the K

This is Suite!

This is Suite!

I protected Tuesday as a family day. Eli, Andi, Oaks and mommy all day. We played at home, went on a scooter ride/run down the new Maple Woods path and cooked dinner. Eli and Andi were in full sibling play mode- they had enjoyed each other’s company so much as the summer drew to a close. We ate dinner on the deck and talked about how we would live out our family memory verses at school.

“Do not worry. Be thankful and pray.” Phil 4:6-7 

If you’re worried about school, about not knowing what to do in art, what can you do?

Be thankful we are at school and be thankful we have stuff to do school with. -Andi

“If anyone wants to be first, they must take last place and be the servant of everyone else” Mark 9:34.

How do you think you’d have to live out this verse at school?

Like, if someone wanted to use the ball for four square and there is only one, even if I wanted it, I could let them have it.- Eli

“I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength” Phil 4:13

You can do it! You can do hard math, learn to read, sit next to somebody you might not like, listen to your teacher…all things!

Then we memorized a new one, with muscle motions- Joshua 1:9. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. For God is with you.”

After dinner, we drove to Sheridans for last night of summer frozen custard. Because the weather was wonderful and because we loved doing it last year, we left our car behind and walked home. After baths, we read Off to Kindergarten and Just in Case You Ever Wonder affirming and reminding them that no matter what they did or where they went, we loved them, God chose them, and Jesus is with them. Back to school blessings, extra drinks of water, and eventually they went to sleep.

I made pancakes, Drew made orange juice, and they dined on “You are Special Today” plates for breakfast on launch day. Clothes were laid out, lunches got packed, and the new habit of brushing their teeth in the morning (whooops, sorry Mom) was instigated. We woke Oakley up for the goodbye and Drew prayed on the stairs.

Andi going to the big K

Andi going to the big K

The bus came almost too fast. Bravely, excitedly, Andi donned the pink backpack, new clothes, and a sweet smile and headed up the hill with Eli to that big, loud, looming bus. It was quicker than we wanted but she waved goodbye from her bus seat and gave me the best gift she could- a bright smile. Despite the summer of, “Kindergarten? No thank you!” she was somehow ready to go.

Eli off to 1st!

Eli off to 1st!

Off she went,  home I came, Oakley I nursed. , okay I felt. I was prepared and knew what to expect. I was excited for Andi and know she will enjoy coloring, writing, being with friends, and learning new things. I was sad and teary a bit just because now everything is changed. We get her less. She loves playing with Oakley and won’t be around all day to be with him. She was my shopping pal and liked running errands with me.

The days are different now.  Quiet, less chaotic. The house stays a little more picked up and I feel more able to get some work and cleaning done. Still, I’m not enjoying the lack of mess as much as I thought; I’m very thankful for the creative play my kids engage in with each other around our house.

Wavin

Andi girl gives a smile and a wave from way up there on the bus!

When they got off the bus last Wednesday, I couldn’t wait to hear all about it. They were gracious to sit and snack and share a little bit. Andi really enjoyed it. She loved getting to go to specials and the library. Her worksheets were colored with detail and precision and she proudly pulled them out of the backpack. Her voice was light and she piped up to affirm and add to whatever Eli shared about school- there were two experts now- she could add to the conversation. Eli was “girl locked!” (they sit boy/girl/boy/girl) in his seat in the classroom and said, “Time just flew!” He was pretty sure second recess was too short and hoped they would figure it out by day two.

When she woke up Thursday, I wondered how Andi would feel about going back to Kindergarten again. She sleepily smiled and told me she did really want to go again. She was ready.

This weekend, when the babysitter asked if she had started school, Andi said, “Yes. I go to kindergarten. I’m just taking a little break right now.” 

Welcome to a weekend Andi…a little break you’ll get throughout your school career. Indeed, Babe, you deserve time to rest, re-create yourself, connect to us, your family once again, and play all day.

You can do it Andi girl. Mr. Richards and your friends to be are lucky to have you. Oakley and I miss you but are glad you’re getting to color every day and will learn to read. Daddy and I are proud of you and can’t wait to watch you grow up. You are prized and precious, capable and curious, brave and bold.

Okay, the tears I didn’t cry last week are coming now. I think I hear Oakley waking up from his nap….

While the big kids are away, the baby will play...with all their stuff...to their dismay!

While the big kids are away, the baby will play…with all their stuff…to their dismay!

Castaway Hour by Hour

Here it is. Finally, my attempt to capture a sliver, a piece of the awe, a slice of the delight, and a smidgen of uncontainable amazing-ness that was Castaway, Session 2, 2013. While I was at castaway June 29-July 22nd,  there was too much life happening for me to slow down and write about it. A few weeks ago, geographically and chronologically removed, I’m tentative and cautious, afraid that if I try to write about it, it will solidify the finality and make even more apparent that so many of the experiences are too rich for words.Castaway TransportationP1030657

Alas, I must write to record. It’s my “prescription” for the “agony of endings” diagnosis for my full soul, magnificent memories, and tender spirit in reflecting on what happened and who we became because of Castaway this year.

Putting my writing into a form and giving it a theme is my coping mechanism. Brief? No and yet still incomplete. Ok, here it is:

A DAY at Castaway :

6:30am– Linds wakes up and sneaks out quietly with a water bottle and towel to coach a Crossfit workout for summer staff, random campers who woke up too early and wandered into the gym, and other brave souls who caught the bug along the way (Crossfit is sooo fun!). Biggest honor of the month came on the last morning when I got to hear that one of the property staff men who came to just two workouts, was healed from a year of loss and pain by coming to a workout and receiving the spark and reminder that our spiritual and physical selves work together to make us whole and healthy. He thanked me for my meager Crossfit efforts that God used in a mighty way for him. I’m most humbled and very honored.Lake Pelican family pic

8:00 am- Staff Breakfast. Michelle and I get the kids out the door and up the hill to the dining hall for a quick and tasty breakfast. French toast Monday and cinnamon roll/egg buffet Saturdays were my favorites.

9:00am – I lead the Summer Staff morning Bible Study  (SSBS). Sitting around with 20 or so college students discussing scriptures that showed, told us, reminded and awed us with the truth that God, always about relationships, pursues, accepts, relates to, unconditionally loves, and sends us.

10am- check in with Eli and Andi- Oaks takes a consistent morning nap the whole month! Yay! I find Eli reading a chapter book in his bunk and Andi swinging on the swing set alone or with a few little friends.

photo (4)11:30am- Staff lunch. Eat, try to feed and coordinate three kids, and relay afternoon announcements for summer staff…in 20 mins.

12:30pm– Meet with a summer staff girl for a 1:1. The chance to hear their life story, their current questions, their latest take-away from a quiet time or devo, and how much patience they are learning by working on a team here at Castaway or because they are living in a room with 11 other girls! I was reminded once again that people function in the present as a result of, or so amazingly

Right after Eli lost his first tooth!

sometimes in-spite of, their unique history. I was moved to tears to hear of many divorced, deceptive, damaged, and disrupted childhoods these girls had endured. Others told of life with great families and friends. Many were engaged in the individuality of their faith journey for the first time in the Castaway environment of serving and community. ALL these women were amazing, joyful, open, honest, and refreshing. They became my friends and I miss them each and every one. 

1:30- Life  the beach! Andi frolics and mermaid swims in the lake every day. She dives deep for rocks, combs the sand for snail shells, buries her feet, builds a castle, and runs to greet friends who are just making it down the hill. She bravely picks up dead mud puppies and delivers them to the lifeguards who hold out their bucket at a full arms length to receive Andi’s bold deposit!

2:30- Life at the beach! Eli invites a similarly-aged staff kid to ride down the zip line with him. They ride and are unhooked by the gracious summer staff lifeguards who swim out there 5 or more times a day to grab our short lil guys. One week, there was a small person named Trevor there as a camper. Eli made friends with him; from what I saw, he was respectful and kind, not overly obsessed with his appearance or rude. Trevor was gracious to ride the zip line with Eli and later told me they had a great chat on the climb up to zip top. Eli loves conversations with older campers, kids his age, or adults.

3:30- Life at the beach! Oakley comes down with Michelle after an afternoon nap. At first he is tentative- holds one leg up out of the water while seated on his bottom in the sand. Eventually, he uses his hands, toes, and tummy to explore the sand and the lake. He loves to splash in the water and smiles and shakes sand with everyone who comes to play with him. He was a popular attraction and very well loved. He was so friendly and full of expressions and personality the whole time.photo (5)

4:30- Eli and Andi run from the lake to the hot tub for a warm up (the 8th trip between the two water orifices of the day), OR speed into the Seabreeze for a beach-side snack (Eli: the big bopper cookie ice cream sandwich and Andi, a bag of Skittles) OR they receive high fives, a hug, and an invitation to ride on the boat with summer staff boat driver friends (Jordan C took a sweet and genuine interest in Andi, and Matt Moore was a big, strong, tender and intentional friend of Eli’s). All of my kids received so much positive attention from the summer staff, assigned team, and other families. They were encouraged, cheered for, played with, and loved on. They were told and shown that they are beloved children of God in so many ways.  As a parent, I cannot be more grateful.Oaks a swimmin

5:30pm-I give Oakley self-feeding practice during staff dinner and take grate-full advantage of the fact that the work crew vacuums the carpet under the tables after every meal. Thank YOU high school work crew kids!

6:30pm- We sit outside the Windjammer for the “golden hour”, watching campers strewn across the swooping landscape of the lush Castaway green grass throwing frisbees, playing games, hanging out. The 25 flower beds and boxes in sight from our seat are popping with color and growing because of the tender and consistent watering of my summer staffer Tess. Oakley is wriggling out of my lap to grab at the person whose stopping to chat, or trying to flirt with fellow assigned team kid and slightly older girl, Olive, who is oh so cool and walking at 15 months. He loves her! Eli and Andi whiz by on their scooters and stop to ask if they can go down to the game room to play with their buddies- 9-square where the older kids are kind and patient with Andi’s double bounces, or Foosball where Eli’s super spin moves actually do get the balls to score. I get to chat with friends I value for their wisdom, love to laugh with, and only get to see because we do assignments together from time to time. Some of these people I’ve known before but many are friends I’ve just met and yet immediately, deeply connect to and care for just because we share life together in the kingdom way that is a Young Life assignment. Thankful for you Robyn, Annie, Amy, Amy, Katy, Melissa, Mandi, Kaitlin, Linds, Megan, Eli, Tasha, Sarah and others!P1030666

7:30pm– We head to Young Life club. I sit in the back with summer staff and my family. Eli can read so he sings the lyrics loud. Andi dances with her girl friends freely and spinningly on the steps near the door. Oakley comes only to a few clubs all month but when he does, his whole body gets caught up in the energy. He faces outward from someones arms and kicks his legs with enough intensity to shake his whole body. He flails his arms just as hard and smiles with his whole face. He lets out screams because he knows the room is loud and wants to join in with exuberance.P1030650

8:30pm- Club is over and a few summer staffers and I are headed to one of three weekly summer staff gatherings (worship, discussion, story sharing, praying, and relationship discussions and games fill these times). We are stopped mid-stride by yet another majestic Castaway sunset- God lays the sun to rest splendorously here– and we cannot bring ourselves to go inside. Instead we run into the meeting, already in progress thanks to my more timely counterpart-coordinator Chris, and invite everyone to make a run for the beach. Caleb grabs his guitar (and the music stand) and all 40 of us run to the beach. Climbing and clamoring for high ground (shhh…perhaps a few ascend the Seabreeze roof?!), as a team we take it in. Then we gather around the hot tub to sing and share how God is moving and Jesus is using and changing us. It was a spontaneous adventure I’d been wanting to have for 3 years as summer staff coordinator.P1030655

9:30pm- Eli and Andi get to stay up late to help run the Obstacle Course on Night 1 for campers. They are invited into the “hype tent” where Claire, Tyler and Zach have crafted a hilariously motivating chant to send campers out on a shared adventure to “protect their leader” at whatever the cost- “jumping in mud for them, getting spit on for them, doing a flip for them“. With all the intensity of a child covered in charcoal face paint, E and A were so excited to be a part of the action with their gracious and inclusive SS friends.

OR Eli and Andi get to stay up late for the night 4 fun including the Opera and carnival. The third week’s carnival fell on Eli’s birthday and he got to take full advantage of the t-shirt gun (helping Nate to shoot, and catching one shot off just for him!) and enjoyed a birthday dunk in the dunk tank! Andi shoots hole-in-ones on the putting range and milks a mean cow udder in-between another free carnival popcorn and chatting with her friends.  photo (1)

10:30pm- To bed for those party animal kids who daily amaze Drew, Michelle, and me with their energy, ability to stay friendly and agreeable most of the time, and their pure enjoyment of the simple and the extraordinary daily happenings.

11:00pm- Drew and I stay up late to enjoy friends. A most special privilege to be on this assignment with Brett and Robin Hersma and their kind, respectful, fun, helpful kids. From Brett and Robin, we receive parental encouragement and wisdom, fantasy sports banter (not so much Robin and me but the “Blues!”), spiritual conversations and lots of fun. Eventually, reluctantly, we pry ourselves away from the great conversation and comfy chairs to go to bed.

2am and 4 am- Oakley wakes up on cue, every night at Castaway, to eat. There is just too much going on during the day for him to get all the nourishment he needs so he and I enjoy sweet and still cuddles while he grubs nocturnally.

Every day was indeed full. I cannot contain or capture the bliss of life lived in such a great community in such an amazingly beautiful place. I love walking across the camp and greeting people or tasks- the sounds of summer staff girls “Hi Linds”  still ring in my head and I very much miss the simplicity of life without my phone, wallet, or shopping list.

We grew as a family. Oakley grew two new teeth and Eli lost one.  Eli turned 7 with a Lego pinata to mark the moment and stood up to pray out loud during an all staff worship gathering one Sunday morning. He prayed for Jeff City, MO kids saying, “God we pray for Jefferson City, the capital of our state. For all the kids…safety first.”Lego Pinata

Oakley learned how to wave, said some impromptu and nondescript “Mmm, mmm, Ma- Ma”‘s, and figured out the all important move from the side lying crunch pose, to back onto his bottom. On his bottom he would turn around in circles to catch all the action- I love “sit-n-spin” baby stage! He was scooting by the end of the three weeks and in the final few days, getting up to a rock on his knees. (Update since original draft of this post- Oaks is a crawler! 1 leg, 1 foot, all over, crawling!)

Andi loved playing with friends and being outside. She learned interpersonal and conflict resolution skills that she’ll get to put into practice in two days with the start of kindergarten. Andi loved the lake the most of all my kids and spent sweet time by herself in the sand.  Conquering a deep seated and legit year-old fear, Andi tried the zip line again! She waited til Drew got there and indeed, overcame. She rode consistently that last week but couldn’t quite catch Eli on his 50 rides goal- which he carefully calculated and met. Eli would plan each day’s rides with friends- I was lucky to make it on a 3 ride day and I thank Ben for getting bumped off that day’s schedule.

Because they felt loved, secure, championed and in community, all 3 of my kids risked anew and pushed past current levels of comfort into the unknown- caught by Jesus’ arms that looked a lot like JJ’s, Emmy’s, Casey’s, Nancy’s, Beth’s, Amy’s, Zach’s, Robyn’s,  Matt’s, Tyler’s, or Madison’s.

P1030711

Young Life couldn’t happen if it weren’t for the sacrificial service, the donation of time, tears, sweat, and unpaid time off, of all the volunte
When I left for Castaway I was overwhelmed with anxiety in getting the devo written, my family packed up, and my to-do list accomplished. I arrived June 29h at the end of my rope and started the whole trip with a scare that I had lost my two oldest kids in a small Minnesotan mall- a whole other long story!ers that work during a session. Joining the ranks of servants, were our own aunts and uncles. Zach and Christine and Adam and Mary Kate Osborne came to visit and to work- the soccer field hedges received a much needed haircut and our family received a lot of fun!P1030809

Looking over the small schedule in my pocket on the second day of camp, I began to piece together that it seemed impossible to both breastfeed Oaks and be at the beach for the beach party set up with the summer staff! With palpable panic rising up, I heard God say, “Take it one day at a time. Depend on me every day” and I felt a real and soothing peace settle inside. From that day forward, I was able to stay present with what was right in front of me. I loved really being with people, listening, talking and praying. I was grateful for good food all ready for me and cleaned up after me. I was beyond blessed by the help people gave me with my laundry or my children which enabled me to give of myself in whatever way Jesus needed me as shepherd, leader, listener, or chair carrier/breakfast sandwich maker, that day.

I am profoundly shaped by the chances we’ve had, 5 Julys in a row, to live, work, play, experience surprise and joy, and serve in that place.