October 2, 2012 

September Soirées

Drew and I spent an epic month of September enjoying each other and the space and pace of our family before the major change of baby #3!

September 1- Labor Day weekend- we are usually in Colorado riding the ancient roller coasters of Lakeside for 10 cents ride ticket. Alas, an August trip to Colorado and the baby’s due date kept us in MO this year. We spent the weekend as a family and with family. Last swims of the season dinners with friends and family, a visit from my friend Lauren Payton, and a relaxing double date with Laura and James.

September 8- Drew and I went on a date courtesy of my friend/neighbor/employer Kim. I let Kim’s dog out daily for a potty break and she sometimes trades childcare for the dog-care. This night we had the sitter before we had a date night plan. We ended up at Dance in the Park at Roanoke Park in Midtown. We were invited by my friend Katie who dances with City in Motion. It was a great experience for us to see so much talent, art, passion, and movement that spoke messages. The night humbled us, reminded us of the myriad of art out there that we often miss/ignore. We dined late night at Blanc Burgers and Bottles- always wonderful.

September 15th- Kim was the sitter again and we headed out to celebrate Crossfit Northland’s one year birthday! We have loved our year of getting buff (mostly Drew), making friends, setting goals, enjoying fitness, and gaining some mental sanity (mostly for Linds). We celebrated at Kelso’s in Northtown. I was happy to pull out the pregnancy jeans and enjoy a cooler evening among adults.

September 21-23rd- A whole weekend of wonderful! We got away together for our much anticipated “Babymoon“. We recognize this is not a given for a couple having their third child but we were intentional, hopeful, grateful, and insistent that it was something important for us to do. GG and Poppy kindly offered to keep Eli and Andi for the whole weekend!  We booked a stay at Peaceful Valley/the Burnham residence, in St Joseph, MO. When I was on YL staff in Savannah I met Janeen Burnham who led Young Life and made many disciples by loving kids for 30 years. She’s still doing relational ministry in a variety of non-titled ways today. As a 22 year old, she welcomed me into her flock and taught me how to make good food and choose the right size of plastic storage container.  She altered my wedding dress in her studio- the room in which she crafts with fabric, paints, flowers, or words. Being in her home is a delight to the senses- smells of good soaps, warmth from the decor, comfort from the furniture, and artistic thoughtfulness in every corner.

       Before heading to the Burnhams, we went to the Plaza Art Fair– once again seeing what others can do and appreciating the beauty, creativity, detail, boldness, and vulnerability of artists. We also saw and enjoyed good food and the throng of a great Kansas City crowd! Our time in Peaceful Valley at the house was all it was meant to be. We sought connection, conversation, and relaxation! We were able to read books and fall asleep in the afternoon, eat slow, delicious meals outside on the deck, hike and walk lots, enjoy the absolute beauty of the place, and talk, pray, and connect about our new baby, Drew’s job, our marriage, old memories and new dreams. We were soooo relaxed. We enjoyed each other and the time away sooo much.

 

September 25th- A Tuesday night. Drew bought tickets to the Head and the Heart concert in June for the show which just happened to be happening during my 39th week of pregnancy! Alas, no baby yet so we went to dinner with good friends and then the show. We sat up in the balcony at the Uptown theater- standing wasn’t going to happen for me at this show! The band had great energy, range, stage presence, and once again, talent. They were easy to sing along with and we enjoyed getting lost in profound and powerful moments. A night good for the head and the heart for sure.

September 29th– The last Saturday in September would have been a fine day to have a baby but alas, still no, which is fine, mostly…. Saturday afternoon, I went to William Jewell’s Homecoming activities in honor of my 10th reunion of my college graduation! 10 years?!

Mostly, we got to have a fun day and weekend reconnecting with Adam and Mary Kate Osborne who returned from a 7 month adventure in South America- Bolivia mostly. We were gracious recipients of Osborne hospitality, generosity, and ate often and well! Adam and Mary Kate came back (tan) and full of joy and life for having seen the world together, helped people fight parasites with knowledge and care, and challenging themselves to leave comfort and enter the language, the villages, the jungles, the illnesses, and the beauty of such a different part of God’s great world.

It’s October now so…Come on Baby Booyah! We are relaxed and ready, excited and prepared, and cannot wait to hold you, meet you, know you and welcome you!


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September 24, 2012 

The little (kid) things

 

As my kids grow up, I know I’ll miss some of the little things. In fact it’s happening already.

As childlike wonder and unabashed curiosity, a lack of shame, and genuine love are characteristics of their toddler and preschool years, I know these are not lasting. Whether the world drags it out of them through exposure to school, new friends, or age simply matures them in necessary but simplicity stripping ways, they will lose much of what makes them so preciously childlike in these first 6 years.

Some of what I know I’ll miss and what I currently so much admire:

-When Eli wants to go outside in the mornings we often have to remind him to put on clothes and not run out the door in just his underwear

–Eli and Andi love to talk to lifeguards. They see lifeguards as friends, confidants, and sources of information (I see lifeguards as obtrusive, fun-stopping, pains in the butt)

-When Andi starts a race, she says “Ready, Setty, Go” instead of just “Ready, Set, Go”. There’s no good reason to correct this adorable semantic slip.

-PLAY. They play alone, with each other, with neighbors, with good friends, with sticks, with baby toys we’re cleaning off and setting out for an infant, with blocks, paper, water bottles, and their imaginations.

–Pretending. I am terrible at Barbies. The stark difference between Andi’s ability to pretend that a plastic chic is doing something and my ability to feign conversation and activity for such a chic is vast. I mostly use Barbie playing time to teach a life lesson such as  “Don’t forget to wear your helmet when you ride your bike Princess Barbie” or “Let’s play what’s the healthiest food.” It’s poor, I know. Drew’s ability to pretend is much better- he’ll jump right into a role of Lego dinosaur, Nerf gun defender, or Superhero on the move. May they never lose this access to their imaginations and we as adults seek to reclaim some of our imaginations in work, play, faith, and family!

-Andi wears leotards and princess dresses daily. We often find her dancing, singing, or adorning herself with jewelry and plastic high heels and checking herself out in the mirror. A lot of days she’ll wear the leotards out and about and lots of people ask, “Did you have dance class today?” Andi just looks at them like, “No. That’s an odd question. This is just my outfit!”

-They freely sing. Andi makes up her own songs and sings while coloring or doing a puzzle. I’m often in the same room as her but can plainly see she’s in her own world, so free to feel, express, release and enjoy the moment. Eli sings loudly and proudly, usually off-key but still using a wide range of vocal tones, songs from the radio, church, and mostly Castaway.

–Tenacity. When they are ready to do something on their own, they pursue it with focus, strength, and risk. Eli was disinterested in learning to read for most of last Spring. However, when he decided he was ready, he’d set himself down with a book, give it a once over and come out of his room ready to read it aloud to us. The progress and success were amazing when he owned the interest himself. Just last week, he figured out how to ride a bike with no training wheels. Same deal, I was present but not pushing him. When he decided he was ready, off he went! Andi does cart wheels and forward rolls about 10 times daily- often in small and hard surfaced spaces (ie: the entrance to HyVee on that nasty rug every cart and foot transverses!). Her body must tumble, never mind where or whats on the floor!

Eli’s initial ride!      -14 sec video here

–Their lack of concern with the shape of their bodies, the stylishness of their clothes, and the size of our house, what other people have etc… Comparison and keeping up is not a part of their life. Equality, self-confidence, and simply living in the moment characterizes their daily image, activity, and joy.

–Wandering. The pace of a child is so much more winding and slower than that of an adult. My kids are always sidetracked as we trek towards the garage to go somewhere. It’s often a speck of something on the wall, a toy they haven’t seen for 5 minutes, or a mislaying piece of carpet. Sometimes, it’s an arresting sunrise out the front door I might miss in my hurried pace or a very interesting bug that has the potential to show us all God’s intricacy in creation. Often I get impatient, rather, I should slow my pace to theirs and live a less hurried life!

I recently came across a journal entry from a solitude day I took around my 30th birthday. I wrote, “Gods word to me today was: ‘Linds, You missed fully appreciating the magnitude of the mountains until you left Colorado and moved to Missouri…DO NOT miss noticing and appreciating your children while they are so preciously young.'”

I want to have eyes to see, steps that slow, patience that piles up, and a heart to fully appreciate each moment. The new baby (less than 2 weeks from due!) will show us all newness, the power and and the awe of what it is to be little, brand new, awake for the first time, and in wonder of life’s most simple gifts: air, light, warmth, family, feet, being held, opening up to others, and most of all love. We can’t wait!

 

 

 

 

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September 17, 2012 

Expecting the Unexpected

Yes I am 37 weeks pregnant but no this post is not about the eternally popular “What to Expect when You’re Expecting” book or the not too successful summer movie of the same title. But while we’re briefly on the topic, there has been one unexpected nuance to the new baby prep around our house. After much late night, “I should be asleep but my mind is racing” mental room-rearranging, I bought a smaller bookshelf, Drew assembled it, and we moved books and toys out of Eli and Andi’s room to make room for a crib. The idea is 3 kids, 3 beds, 2 dressers, some books, some toys, and some sanity to all fit in ONE room. The space was carved out and I felt GREAT about the new arrangement. We only needed to insert the crib into the crib space. After almost 2 hours of work, during which Drew and I didn’t even come close to arguing (world record!!!), we realized, the crib was HUGE and the space too small. The room is currently in this state of disarray: What you can’t see in the photo is the large rocking chair and ottoman and the small dresser that will house this new one’s clothes. We thought it would fit well. It doesn’t. The choice now: Play “If you give a mouse a cookie…” around our house. “If you put up a large crib in the kids’ room, you’ll have to move the rocking chair. If you move the rocking chair you’ll have to move the china hutch from the family room. If you move the china hutch….” That’s as far as I can think and I’m already as tired as the little boy on the last page. I’ve never liked that book very well…it induces stress!

When unexpected events happen in life, stress, results. Foundations shaken, normalcy upset, established norms demolished, dreams and hopes ended…this is the carnage of life’s upsets. Most unexpected events aren’t as dismal as some of those words but some are so devastating, words cannot capture the pain. I read a story of an 11month old ran over at a Northland church yesterday…unimaginable shock, pain, tragedy. A friend faces shock and a now uncertain future as he went from pursuing an adoption with his wife to facing a divorce with the same wife after one life-altering conversation two weeks ago. For me, the last few years have held their share of the, not as tragic but still apple-cart upsetting experiences, of the unexpected:

1. My parents were divorced after 35 years of marriage last October

2. Drew changed jobs in the Spring of 2010 from YL staff to Financial services

3. We sent Elijah to kindergarten from THIS house. When we bought it 6 years ago and read the elementary school that coincided with this address, I literally said out-loud, “That doesn’t matter in the least. We will not still  live here when we send this unborn child to school!!!”

4. My good friends moved.

This is a post mostly about number 4.

I got a phone call while I was in the parking lot of a Chili’s in the early Spring of 2006. On the other end of the phone was Carol Graves. I knew her then primarily as a mother of one of the YL girls I took to camp the previous summer. She explained that day that we lived close to each other in the neighborhood and that she and her husband would like to start babysitting for our 8 month old son so that we could go on regular dates. We took her up on the offer which began a great family friendship.

Over the next two years, the oldest Graves daughter Melissa would begin babysitting for Eli regularly for Drew and I on YL club nights. We would attend Melissa’s graduation party and get to know Michelle, the younger Graves daughter as she dabbled in Young Life and became a babysitter as well. Mike Graves is a seminary professor and was always willing to provide stimulating theological conversation and books during my 4 1/2 years of MDIV studying.  Carol and Mike had us over for dinner regularly, always including us in rib smoking or most any new recipe they wanted to try out. We were grateful for the friendship, the open back door, the interest in our children, and the thoughtfulness that constantly came through in calls, check-ins, random things they’d pick up that our kids would love, and the neighborliness- help with moving things, borrowing tools, exchanging rides to the airport, and the consistent babysitting!

The list goes on and on with the years. In a 5-plus year friendship with all 4 members of the KC Graves family (their oldest son Michael always lived out of town and we enjoyed his friendship as well during visits!), there were numerous blessings:

-Mike made Eli golf clubs when he was 2 and took him golfing when he was obsessed with it as a 2 and 3 year old.

-Michelle and Melissa were Andi’s earliest visitors once we returned home from the hospital with her. Andi took some of her first steps at Michelle’s high school graduation party.

-Michelle came to Castaway as a friend of mine and a nanny in the summer of 2011 when I was the Summer Staff coordinator. She was an epically wonderful caretaker of the kids and stepped up when I was losing it during the first transitional days.

-Carol and I started walking regularly at a super quick pace (Carol set it, I tried to keep up) around a great 3 mile loop during which we would process life, listen, and enter in.

-Melissa graduated from MU with honors and her Philosophy of Religion degree and decided that with all her brains and beauty, she’d dorn chef pants and oven mitts and become a pastry chef. We are the satisfied recipients of many a tasty treat from Melissa’s kitchen! (Just ask Drew about the lemon bars and he’ll close his eyes and smile. )

-We spent afternoons at the pool, evenings on their deck and racing around their yard per Eli’s request, nights at Royal’s games, mornings receiving bagels on our door step from the “bagel fairy” who always drove a car soo similar to the Graves’ vehicles, and time on the phone just about any time of day or night.

-We watched Grey’s Antatomy with wine and goat cheese every week last year and Carol brought the kids home from school almost every Tuesday and Thursday (see previous Golden Year post- these are attributes of the golden greatness from last year).

-Michelle goes to college and grad school in California and still we connect as good friends over the phone in long calls.

This is a small smattering of the innumerable blessings and connectedness we shared. When I list my best friends, there are 3 Graves women on the list.

So, when the idea that they were putting their house up for sale was voiced early this summer, I was befuddled. This was so unexpected! They were established, their house was big enough, they’d lived here for over a decade. I was the one who was supposed to move out of my house, they were the reason I was staying sane in this small space when we decided we couldn’t get move. They (and the great pool and proximity to my Hyvee) were the reason I considered never moving from this neighborhood- merely finding a bigger house within it. MOVING?! Surely not!?!

Alas, after ups and downs and “maybe we’ll buy a house in this neighborhood”, unexpected but great news came their way in late June. They had a buyer for their house and found a house they liked and would purchase…in LIBERTY- 15 miles and 20 minutes away. Just a slight jump in traveling distance from the 3 minute walk to their back door that I did weekly and that my kids could do on scooters and bikes at 2 years of age!- Sarcasm is heavy here.

Michelle broke the news to me while I was headed to the pool with their pool pass on a Saturday afternoon. I couldn’t help it and cried as we talked of the reality that they were moving, that God was leading them in this process, and that change was coming. New and different were ahead of us in 1 short month. I sat behind my sunglasses crying while we talked for 20 minutes. Then I proceeded to swim my laps, while crying, in goggles, while still trying to breathe and cry at the same time. After 10 of these pitiful laps, I went home, and asked Drew to hold me. (Let’s note emotions were high as I was 26 weeks pregnant!)

Before we went to Castaway we had a “last supper”, during which Melissa and Michelle sent Eli on a birthday scavenger hunt through the kids’ favorite places in their house ending with his birthday present of a skateboard. Andi was awarded a final trip to her sweet spot-the closet with the fruit snacks just for her in the garage. When we returned from Castaway, the house was in boxes and we had a true “last supper” on paper plates. I made it through without crying that night.

Unexpected changes bring pain and emptiness. Pain and emptiness voids precede healing and a refill. The Graves moving brought a crazy turn of events as the buyers of their house turned out to be friends of Drew’s from Oak Park days. A precious new family, the potential for peer friendship and new neighborly community- God’s hand providing for them and giving us a new opportunity where I once could only see loss. We are grateful that Tom and Bonnie and Everett are in our neighborhood now! What a humbling spot to sit, letting go and getting to receive an unexpected gift.

Geography doesn’t define friendship- this I knew that day in the pool, with the tear filled goggles. The Graves moving to a different house would change the daily dynamic of our friendship but wouldn’t change the soul of it. We are connected with love and stories, history and care that can cross many more miles than the 10 we have to drive on HWY 152 now.

Melissa came with bagels on Eli’s first day of school. Last week Carol drove all the way out here to walk with me on our old route at 6:45am. And today, I called Carol to see if a crib she offered me last Spring was by any chance still available. “Why sure!” she drawled, “Of course, and I’m here tonight if you want to come get it.” Fortunate once again to have the connection, generosity and resources that they’ve offered for the past 5 years come in an instant, E and A and I drove to Liberty to grab a crib.

The crib is perfect. And now the disarray of the unexpected non-fitting crib is fixed. No cookie for this mouse! But I should bake some cookies for Carol. And for Bonnie as well.

 

 

 

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September 10, 2012 

Everything, Always, Everyone, and Never

Elijah came home from school excited about a coupon book today. It is his fourth fundraiser in the five weeks that make up the entirety of his school career! This seems an exhausting pace but we hope it has something to do with how new his school is and the need to raise funds to finish the playground…among other scholastic necessities!

Elijah was excited about the book because he had located a Legoland coupon inside. Andi and Eli went to KC’s new Legoland attraction less than a month ago with GG and he is hoping this coupon is his ticket to round two! Moments later, while snacking, Eli remarked that “Everyone loves Legoland right Mom?” I said, “Do you think so?” and he replied, “Yes! It’s so fun because Lego’s are so fun and everyone loves Legos!” I was baited. My adult literal-linguistic-sensitivity-meter went off. I proceeded to take 5 minutes of Elijah’s childlike wonder and optimism and drag him back into reality. Nope, didn’t let this conversation get away with a “Sure buddy” platitude. Was it the right move? Maybe not.

I went ahead and asked Eli about a couple of our friends and whether they liked Legos- I mentioned two 3 year old girls. He thoughtfully reasoned, “No, they might not like Legos now cuz they are so little but when they are older, like 5, they would love Legos for sure.” Perhaps they will, but I poured a few more dry Honey Nut Cheerios in his bowl and plowed into an explanation about opinion. I said  “loving or liking” was something everyone has a choice about. Everyone can have their own choice, their own opinion, and most of the time, people like different things. It’s okay if someone actually does not like Legos.

I steered the conversation round a bend and said maybe we could think of something that everybody “has”.  (If he would have answered “An opinion” I would have handed him a trophy!) He thought for a moment and said, “Everybody has a house!” but then we thought about people who live in apartments, motor homes, and homeless people. We talked through a few more great ideas but they all had loop holes, exceptions. Finally we settled on breath. Everyone breathes we think. Eli was done with the Cheerios and went to regain a bit of his childhood by, you guessed it, playing Legos! and eventually going outside.

Absolutes got a lot of play around my house when I was growing up.  Emphatically declared but rarely meant to be taken as actual, factual realities were such statements as:

–Everyone has that new thing so can’t we have one too?

-I always do my chores and deserve a break!

-We never get to stay up late, sleep in late, eat donuts during the weekdays, watch enough TV etc…

-This will ruin everything!

I don’t think my family sounded unlike many others. We were expressive, passionate, emotive and vocal. Our language led us to deep relationships, honesty, fights, and closeness. It wasn’t perfect but it worked for us as a family.

In my marriage, my adult family, absolutes are relationship strains and conflict escalators. The defenses go up powerfully when Drew and I use absolutes to label behavior or point to character flaws in each other. I see the damage they cause and have tried to use more careful and deliberate language. However, we both acknowledge that in the moment, the issues are often bigger than the language that is being used to convey them. We offer each other semantic grace and linguist space and seek to be called back to center.

I think I wanted Eli to be aware of absolutes in language today because I want him to realize that people will be different than him in what they: like, do, enjoy, look like, and play. I want him to form strong opinions and be proud of them even if they are challenged. I  also want Eli to be okay with sometimes, some people,  and maybe.

I myself  want to be okay with sometimes, maybe, and I don’t know.  Yes, there is something to the country song, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything. ” I do believe there are certain moral absolutes and fundamental truths at work in the world, but I don’t think there are as many as I once assumed. I know I’m not comfortable declaring the universality of an absolute for others. There is black and white, left and right, and right and wrong, but there is also grey, the middle, and right for you/me. Everyone has opinions but opinions are not equal to facts.

I almost lost two deep friendships in the Spring of 2008. Both relationships were shaken when I challenged my friends on something and held strongly to what I believed was right, sometimes drowning out their answers back. The healing took over two years. I realized I had held more tightly to the rule than the relationship and pursued power in the form of expressing my opinion instead of pursuing the person and the uniqueness of their situation.

I don’t want to be defined by what I do in a moment or who I am in a season. I want the flexibility, grace, and space to change, grow, and mature. On the other hand, I want some things to define me, habits to shape me, and discipline to keep me grounded. I want to grow to accept the differences between people. I know this will cost me comfort. I want to encounter and appreciate what is different than my experience. I also want to fight to uphold what I truly believe really is for everyone: love, appreciation, inclusion, justice, care, and grace to name a few.

Perhaps Eli is closer than me in this daunting task of personal growth and appreciation of the other. He wasn’t trying to change anyone today, he merely wanted to include everyone in joy. He saw way past the economics of the coupon book and simply saw an invitation, a Legoland adventure for all!

 

(Postscript: This is the second version of this post in 2.5 hours. My first draft was erased when the internet connection failed just as I went to post it live! After over an hour of writing and editing, it was a crushing blow. Drew came home and upon hearing of the flop, sympathetically said, “Babe, this NEVER happens to ANYONE else…ONLY, ALWAYS to you!”. He encouraged me to write again. See, sometimes, absolutes, while not literally accurate, are very comforting!)

 

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September 3, 2012 

Labor and what comes before

This is a particularly meaningful Labor Day.

I am coming off of a particularly work filled season of a July Assignment at Young Life’s Castaway Club and an August of preparations and planning for the “school” year of training 8 new Young Life Staff Associates.

Last week I spent 4 days away from my family at our Regional Fall Staff Retreat which was a great time of reconnecting after the summer, reflection, celebration, community, and the expansion of current ministry competencies. I was privileged to give a club talk on Wednesday afternoon about Jesus’ ability to use our spent exertions and empty ambitions to demonstrate his power and provide despite our weakness. An apt message for myself in this season and hopefully helpful to my staff peers in the room.

For a part-time job, the work load was heavy last week and I’ve very much enjoyed rest and time with my family this Labor Day weekend! Eli was at first unconvinced by the whole idea of NOT going to school on Labor Day’s Monday (it’s his new favorite day- computer lab day at school- why would the school close down on a MONDAY?!?!?!) However, he came around to the idea and is especially enjoying that Daddy doesn’t have to work today. Daddy beats computer lab any day!

Shoot- in my typically digressing habit, I wasn’t really sitting down to write about my job.

Labor day is connected to work, yes, and this year it feels aptly timed for me, but mostly this Labor Day 2012 is poignant because it hits me right in the gut. Literally, right now, Baby Booyah is kicking me in the stomach and wiggling with the energy of my breakfast and mostly decaffeinated coffee. This baby believes that since I’m sitting down, he/she should work some stuff out. It’s a sensation that wows, tickles, and encourages me. I have enjoyed this baby’s movements in a way I don’t remember treasuring with Eli or Andi. Only 5 weeks remain until my due date and the mysteries of how my delivery will play out and what gender of child we will receive will all be solved! (No promises that the name for this baby will be settled upon in 5 weeks time at our current rate of naming quandaries though).

I cannot wait to meet and see this baby. We are ready to labor towards birth and walk in the newness of what a newborn will bring to our family. Looking forward to labor reminds me of a classic story of a conversation we had with Eli about how babies came to be inside tummies.

Here is the account from the late fall 2009:

While driving on Barry Road almost daily, we would pass St Luke’s Northland hospital- the birth site of both kids. We would often tell Eli and Andi, “That is where you were born!” During one ride past the hospital, Eli asked how baby’s were born. I quickly and easily answered, “Babies grow inside mommy’s tummies and then come out at the hospital.” That day in the car he then asked, “But how does a baby get into your tummy Mommy?” I could still explain this to a 3 1/2 year old with relative ease. “God puts the baby inside a Mommy’s tummy. God knows that’s the best way for a baby to grow,” I said. Simple. Sweet. Eli was sold, “Oh. Ok.”

3 days later, we found out at dinner that his brain had not let the question go. At dinner, with Drew and I both sitting at the table, the conversation went pretty much like this:

E- But HOW did Andi get into your tummy Mommy? Really how?

L-  (after many other responses)- Ok buddy, well…there’s a part of daddy that connects to a part of mommy and then the baby gets into the tummy. It’s like a little seed and then it grows.

E- Oh.  But what is the part of daddy that connects to the part of you?

L and D- (nervous and suppressed laughing…trying to answer seriously.) “Oh, um, well…It’s down by Daddy’s penis”

E- Where?

L- Ok, It is daddy’s penis.

E- Oohhhh! So daddy has a  baby shooter tube inside his penis! And the baby tube shoots the baby into your tummy?

L and D- (Amazed. Shocked and giggling under their breath)- Yes in fact, buddy. That’s exactly right!

Luckily for us, that has been enough information to have held him over for 3 years now. He is secure in the knowledge that the baby shooter tube has once again functioned properly and that a new baby is growing just as God determined it should, inside my Mommy-tummy.

The upcoming labor for this third child, conceived in love and anticipation and because of grace, gives our whole family something to look forward to, wonder about, pray over, and anticipate as we celebrate this time together today. Thanks for letting me share the classic story of bumbling through a conception conversation with you on your holiday weekend!

 

 

 

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August 20, 2012 

From Gold to Yellow

Last February, I realized we were in the midst of a “golden age”- the metaphorical definition: origins in Greek and Roman poetry describe a “golden age” as a period of time when people were living in a better time that was pure. For us, I realized there was a simple sacredness to the cadence, the relationships, and the expectations on our family. Mostly the gold glittered around Eli and Andi.

As 3 and 5 year-olds, they were enrolled in preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9:30-3pm. Andi had two teachers who loved her, offered grace and patience to her quirks, took joy in her vivacious spunk, and carefully carried her from a life of being home with mom to a social life with peers led by other adults. Eli was in a transitional kindergarten class with other kids who were spending their 5 year old year in preschool instead of heading to kindergarten having just turned 5. Eli’s teachers were pure GOLD- a partnership of 2 women who had taught together for 8 years and took joy in the creative freedom to plan their own curriculum to stimulate the imaginations and grow the intellectual base of their students.

While Eli and Andi were at school in great hands, I was afforded personal and professional liberty!  I got to do the work my job required without interruption or the worry that I was choosing to ignore my children to get work done. I got to work out at 10am or plan lunch meetings without trying to arrange middle of the day child care. Oftentimes, my good friend Carol would drive the kids home in the afternoon affording me even an extra 45 minutes of work time and giving the kids a special Sonic treat. The 5 year old tradition of GG days also continued last year. Grandma Gayle had both kids all day on Mondays so I could work, rest, or play myself and Eli and Andi could enjoy days together with their energetic and generous grandma!

Mostly however, the golden occurrences happened daily at home. We never had anywhere to be before 9am so E and A got into a rhythm of eating breakfast, saying bye to Daddy, and then heading back to their room to play together. Their relationship as brother and sister grew exponentially. Connecting through play and all the daily adventures together gave them a precious friendship with each other. The three of us were free to plan adventures, meet friends, enroll in gymnastics, leave town, and generally do whatever we wanted all day every day! We ate edamammae for lunch on Wednesdays at home, went to the library every other week and always stayed long enough to read a couple books while we were there, we walked to Hyvee, and played with friends on most Fridays.

Summer afforded us even more opportunities for sibling love and free play. Elijah, Andi and I swam 4-5 times a week, joined the summer reading program, I walked while Eli rode his scooter and Andi biked, and we enjoyed the Olympics.

Drew was settled into his job, I enjoyed my job and was invited to new opportunities within it, we were both getting in shape and loving our Crossfit Northland gym, and we were blessed with great family and friends close by. By the end of January, we were overjoyed to find out we were pregnant!  There were so many simple, joyful, routines and relationships in our year.

And now, it seems a bit of the gold has lost its glimmer. Just last week, Elijah went to kindergarten. A huge yellow school bus scooped him up and carried him off at 8am and didn’t bring him back until 4pm. Most alarming is the shocking reality that this yellow terror (yes- too strong of a word) will come EVERY day, taking him away from home and to school, Monday- Friday, leaving Andi and me alone, at home!

You might be able to tell I had a hard week last week.

Yes, I am excited for Eli to start school. He showed himself to be ready- he’s socially enthusiastic, figured out how to start reading on his own this summer, is motivated to learn and was excited to start in a new place. Last Tuesday night, he couldn’t fall asleep. His mind raced with what the next day would hold. He never wavered from being excited and confident. Wednesday morning, he couldn’t wait to get out the door and to the bus stop to meet the older neighbors whose rank of school attenders he’d finally be joining. We did a special breakfast (good friend Melissa showed up as the bagel fairy!), prayed for him on the back deck, dressed him up spiffily, and walked as a family to the bus stop.

When the bus pulled up, Elijah ran right for it. I whipped around to Drew as my eyes immediately filled with tears, “We just let him go?!”, I fretted. Not waiting for his answer, I ran across the street and grabbed Eli for one more blessing and hug. He was grinning from ear to ear and I held it together for him at that point. When the bus pulled away, his face was beaming from the window as he waved furiously. He was off and I was undone.

Luckily, Melissa was still around to take Andi back to the house so they could color with her very own “my brother went to kindergarten today so I got new glitter crayons” crayons. I asked Drew if he could sit with me on our bench outside for a few minutes. I needed holding and help to process. I just kept thinking it was so unfair that he had to go to school EVERY day now. Yes, I had relished the freedom of last year’s school days but that was only twice a week- a much more sane arrangement if you ask me. He had learned letter sounds, simple math, and how to read by the end of the pre-K year- what more could he need to learn that he had to be somewhere ALL DAY, EVERY DAY now? Was he going to have friends? Someone to eat lunch with? Was his teacher going to take my place as the leading lady in his life? Would he learn bad words like “butt” or “shut-up” and want to eat chicken poppers in the cafeteria on Wednesdays as Andi and I sat home eating edamammae? Would he like it so much that he didn’t need Andi and me anymore?

He finally got home Wednesday afternoon and was still beaming- just slightly worn down by the long day. He said the bus was fun but so noisy- he couldn’t believe how many kids were talking on the bus! He said his teacher was older than the other teachers but she was really nice. He loved the two recesses and the game with the ball that would go in one hole and surprise you with the hole it would fall out of each time. There was hardly any work, just rules and routines that first day. He had no problems eating lunch and made friends, but didn’t know their names just yet. Once again, Wednesday night, he couldn’t sleep. His mind was replaying the day, his dreams of new friends, a day with peers and a whole new world to explore had all come true thanks to that ride on the yellow bus.

Thursday was the worst for me. Andi and I spent the day alone at home together. Reality hit really hard. The house was so quiet! (Later when I told Eli about our quiet he said, “Well yes Mom because I’m your question asker-guy and I was at school!”) Andi left breakfast and went back to her room to play alone. I had two conference calls and instead of knowing the kids were faring for themselves TOGETHER, I had to make sure Andi could fill the time by herself- a whole new layer of guilt and balancing kids and working from home settled back onto my shoulders.

I cried while Andi rested in the afternoon. I spent that time grieving what we had lost. Despite so much to celebrate for Eli and the newness to embrace,  I needed some time to realize what was gone. The golden days of daily, simple, sibling play were gone. The unrushed rhythm of mornings that start at 9am are now replaced with structured lunch making, dressing early, shoe-tying mornings that must be finished by 7:55am. Instead of knowing what he does all day and having all the say in what happens- I don’t control any of his day past 8am or after 4pm, and only know what he tells us when he comes home. So many new influences are pressing in on his life. Can I trust that the good influences will take precedence and that he’ll know how to flee from the negative ones? When he came home from school Thursday, he headed straight to the backyard with friends without saying hi to Andi or me. Later, inside he told Andi to stop following him around. It seemed he had grown up and out of our little threesome from last year in 2 days! He hardly talked to me about the day and couldn’t wait to go back.

He can’t wait to go there and I found myself wanting to keep him here. The tug and tension seemed so severe. I had to remind myself of all the families I know that have been through this momentous kindergarten send off thing and who still have families who are in tact, siblings who are friends and allies, and relationships between moms and sons that are still close.  I also realized I’ve come through the shock, disillusionment, and life reorientation of being a first time mom to a brand new baby, I could make it through this as well. Just like that “first”, I believe I will come out having been matured, released of  superfluous worry, and relieved of unnecessary mental and behavioral stress. I will muddle my way through the newness of the moment, learning what is important and what’s not, and leaving the rest just to be.

Andi and I will make it through. She has the opportunity to make her own friends, live into her own desires and interests, and grow up more into herself. She will start preschool in about a month that will meet three mornings a week. Then, about 2 weeks after preschool starts, we will welcome a new sibling into our family! The changes are far from over for our family this fall. Eli’s flight from home was just the beginning of the growth and transformation that will characterize the rest of 2012. We don’t know the gender of this new baby so the gold that has turned yellow will be tinted blue or pink come early October!

Yesterday’s sermon refrain was that the headline of my life is “GOD”- not me creating life myself but knowing that God is taking care of me, watching over me, advocating, providing, sustaining, and loving me and our family. Yellow school bus, I do not fear you!

Eli- as you pioneer for our family, thank you for your boldness. You are a personable, friendly, compassionate, socially astute, people person. You have an uncanny ability to realize what is going on around you and appreciate the people involved. When you were 2 1/2, you asked adults about their day. As a toddler you were interested in relationships- who was married to who and who was her sister? You are energized by being around people and invite others to participate in your constantly creative and constructive play. May kindergarten feed your passion for learning about life and letters, grow your concern for friends and give you the opportunity to forgive foes. May your respect for authority and your willingness to be led develop so that you are a humble and respectful student. May your identity be solidified in Christ and your confidence be secure- you are a smart and loved child who can question, be curious, and take risks. May you always always know that you have a foundation of family at home who loves you, cheers you on, supports you and welcomes you back every day- no matter what.

Thank you Gold for the year that was 2011-2012. We welcome you Yellow.

I will walk into this new season with faith and refuse to be overwhelmed. I look forward to what will come with new routines, new friends, and a new family member. Thanks for letting me process and whine, mourn and weep- I’ll move on now.

PS- This JUST in. In an astounding turn of events, as I neared the end of writing this morning, I went upstairs to find Eli in a funk. He couldn’t finish breakfast and wouldn’t put on his shoes when it was time to head toward the bus. Instead of finding shoes, he found the toilet and thew up. Turns out, this kindergarten thing might not happen every day- day 4 is now a sick day! Eli and Andi and I will be home together today! I called an attendance line for the first time ever.  The couch calls- I must go cuddle with my new adventurer who is grounded for just one more day.

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August 13, 2012 

A Family Re-union

This past weekend took Eli, Andi, and me on a road trip with my sister (their aunt Laura) to Colorado for a family reunion. The family that was gathering is my dad’s maternal grandparent’s family, or my paternal grandma’s siblings and their offspring. Every 3 years for 27 years (1986-2012), the family has gathered, all but one occurring in Estes Park Colorado- most definitely a highlight and perhaps sometimes the saving grace of the whole event!  The original intent was for the cousins to get to know each other. The “cousins” were 11 adults aged 29-48 when the first gathering occurred. I was 6 years old and pig-tailed at the first.

Driving up from Denver with both my sisters and one brother in law, we arrived at the camp later than we had originally intended. We just missed the reintroductions and catch up hour. Whoops- such a gathering is always helpful when one does not remember names and family connections for all one’s 3rd cousins and their children- (who are those kids anyway?- my third cousins twice removed?). Who goes with who and who’s missing questions were answered in the hour that we had just missed by minutes. Alas, we had reviewed enough on the way up to get by that first night and would sneak in questions about certain individual’s names as the weekend went on. Our dear grandma of course had it all straight and one lunch with her and we were caught back up!

Family reunions…what a gift…what a racket…what a phenomenon! Attending as an adult with my own family for the third round of this reunion, I wondered about my reasons for being there. The trip was expensive and took time out of the very end of our last real summer (Eli goes to kindergarten in 2 days!!!). My own first cousins no longer attend the reunion and this was the second reunion in which my parent’s separation and now divorce made for an awkward and less whole experience.What was the point of driving a long distance to spend a weekend with people I hardly know?

To decipher motivation, I’ll take into account not so much why I decided to make the trip in the first place but what happned while we were there last week and reflections upon those occurrences.

By my own definition, a  re-union implies a chronological occurence set to some consistency that allows for an intentional coming together. During the 3 days of the 2012 Torrell Family reunion,  a re- union happened between families extended by geographic distance, familial origins, the additions and subtractions of spouses, deaths, disagreements, and scheduling conflicts.

We came together for the ninth time to continue a tradition, honor a history, refresh relationships, learn from our elders, connect with cousins intimate and distant, and to celebrate and honor our Swedish heritage. (My grandma’s parents both came over from Sweden- her mom was nine years old when she landed at Ellis Island). In the process of re-unioning, there was a meshing/crashing/melding of, mildly different to glaringly opposite, family rituals, political beliefs, parenting habits, and personalities.

In the wake of the mesh/crash/meld, there were moments of joy (seeing people we loved we haven’t seen in years, playing games, laughing at stories and old pictures), awe (hiking part of Long’s Peak, the breathtaking views surrounding the camp as the purple mountain majesty popped out from the cloudless blue sky, watching the strength of a cousin who was mourning the first anniversary of her husband’s death and another cousin’s sheer strength of spirit and muscle who maneuvers without the use of her legs in a wheel chair to be a grandparent to 3 young grandchildren and a full participant in hosting the event this year), uncomfortable (a sharing session where a few were vulnerable but most deep and intimate happenings were left untold- never acknowledged or shared in a public way), awkward  (a friendly and traditional softball game filled with miserable softball skills that turned competitive and during which I completely over-swung and fell onto my knee- a ridiculous enough event without the added humiliating bonus of me being very very pregnant!), and profound (singing and praying together, watching my dad connect and play with Eli and Andi and the joy they shared together, walking right through difficult conversations and coming out more settled on the other side, and the tender and generous spirits of a small piece of the kingdom of God that came together).

It was a good experience- a wonderful tradition and a new memory. Getting time to be with my Grandma Sustad and my dad and sisters were highlights, but connecting with distant cousins also brought blessings- new insights, old histories, tears and giggles. My kids played in a mountain playground and made new friends. We go to reunions not just to receive but also to give- to submit ourselves to people we don’t get to choose to be around but are given to us to get to know, love and appreciate.

As we drove back yesterday, Laura and I started a list of what we want to continue and what we hope to add to make the 2015 reunion, the one our little family is in charge of hosting, an even more special mash-up of families who are willing to commit to the re-union process.

 

 

 

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August 6, 2012 

Living out the London Olympics

Energy, excitement, inspiration, and engagement are on high alert and frequency around our house these days. We are consuming the London Olympic Games like a honey badger might consume the head of a snake.

Our Marriage and Michael Phelps…

Drew and I were married 8 years ago and began our wedded bliss with the 2004 Olympic games in Athens on our brand new 40 inch TV in our 720 sq ft apartment with only network channels. There, Michael Phelps’ won his first 6 gold medals and stood atop medal podiums with a young face and a laurel crown of olive leaves. In 2004, no Twitter updates or Facebook posts spoiled our enjoyment of the Olympics “Live” during prime-time’s tape delayed presentation. We cuddled, cheered, and together appreciated the awe of the athlete’s accomplishments, the connection to the Olympics ancient history, and the rise of new US superstars whose names we learned for 2 weeks and then mostly quickly forgot.

By 2008, Drew and I had added 2 kids to our  family by the time Michael Phelps would add 2 more gold medals to his Beijing cache- winning 8 this round. Elijah was 2 and sported his Olympic t-shirt with pride. Andi Gayle Grace was 3.5 months old and made staying up late to watch the Olympics a little tougher since she was interested in waking up 2-3 times a night for feedings at that point. Sleep was weak but our connection together for Olympic zeal was strong.

Now it’s 2012 and the pulls of technological consumption are tight. We’ve had to be disciplined to avoid checking Twitter or reading the side bars of any internet sites to protect our time on the couch at night, seeing the events together, enjoying explaining and sharing the excitement with Eli (now 6) and Andi (now 4) who are very interested and  inspired by all the different events and the people who are accomplishing so much on their own or as a part of a team. We are all four experiencing the moments of grandeur, surprise, defeat, and human accomplishments. We  (Drew and me) knowingly and subconsciously (E and A) appreciate the beautiful diversity and the simple commonality of the people of the world doing similar feats.

As Michael Phelps retires, now with 22 medals- adding 4 more golds to the overall count- Drew and I will continue our marriage without the “every-4-year-Michael-Phelps’ hiatus” to break up the normal flow of our hot Missouri Augusts. We celebrate all Michael has achieved but even more so celebrate our achievement of 8 years of marriage and anticipate our golden anniversary in a short 42 years!! Love never tarnishes.

London on location: Olympics Osborne Style on this side of the Pond

Mostly, these Olympics have been about living out what we see. Elijah has been especially inspired by the events he’s watched on TV.  In his vibrant and busy imagination, Eli can see no reason why he can’t try out his skills in some new ways. Watching the Olympians really has given him courage to risk without fear and aim high.

Last week we played field hockey in the dormant grass on the side of our house Monday evening with a knee hockey set.

On Tuesday Eli requested the opportunity to long jump at a track. When we got there he long jumped and decided to run a 400M lap for time. His time was 2:33.  (Eli’s long jump– check out the video of Eli’s LOOOONG run and quick jump- very low tech videography on my part- eek.) Andi did one long jump, ran 50M, and then decided to play in the sand and examine two dead birds (the summer heat has been brutal!).

On Wednesday we went to a pool with a diving board so the kids could do springboard diving tricks. Eli said he would do a running flip off the board and end with a dive and indeed he did!!!  Eli’s diving– the thrills are quick and exciting here.

On Thursday they both swam 25m in the pool unassisted in honor of Missy Franklin, Ryan Lochte, Rebecca Soni, and other swimmers.

On Friday, they couldn’t wait to try out new gymnastics moves at the Mercury Gymnastics Open Gym hour. In a surprising turn of events, Andi ended up winning the pommel horse event- an event exclusively for men in the actual gymnastics.

Yesterday afternoon, Andi joined Drew and me in a frisbee golf round that we considered discus for her.

Later, during a birthday gathering last night, Elijah and buddy Beckett crafted a pole vault event out of two kid chairs with a branch in-between.Using deck posts 2×2’s  they jumped over the branch bar.

Today, while I was at a doctor’s appointment for Baby Booyah, Uncle James swam with the kids. They did synchronized swimming, diving, and water polo all in an hours time. That Andi can say “synchronized” better than I can spell it to type this blog post shows on its own the emotional, time, and energy investment we have in these games!

Perhaps one of the best things about the kids’ Olympic antics is the lack of technology (can’t spoil it as it happens live and only once!) and the personal achievement and enjoyment they feel without any crowds cheering.

 

 

 

It’s been a wild 10 days so far, can’t wait to live out the rest of London with my family. The baby inside is a full participant with kicks, cheers, and intimate moments of staying up late with his/her parents to watch the world at play.

 

 

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July 30, 2012 

Isms

If I died tomorrow, (It would be tragic– I wouldn’t get to meet my new baby or see Eli go to kindergarten or see Andi dance one more time…But I would be satisfied–  I’ve tried and enjoy Quinoa, kale, and Greek yogurt, I lived a life of following passions more than collecting cash and married my best friend, and I have most recently enjoyed yet another assignment at Castaway and the joy and excitement of the Olympics- a summer highlight!), what would people say about me? It’s hard to know and intimidating to think about, but I am sure of one thing. People would NOT say, “Lindsey Osborne, she sure was a woman of few words.” Nope, as you can tell in this laborious and long intro paragraph, I usually say MORE rather than LESS.

I’m an external processor which explains and justifies some of my copious verbal communications. I enjoy chatting and consider visiting and conversations a past-time of mine. In parenting however, I believe less is more. Fewer words, less explaining, and empathetic brevity are best in communicating with young children. (More words, more conversing, and deliberate discussions should be used in parenting older, adolescent type children.)  I agree with the research that says young children get lost in lectures; instead young kids need short, repeatable, consistent, consumable nuggets they can easily digest and live out.

I’ve found that having a collection of short, repeatable, memorized statements help me in times of discipline when I might so easily slip into an arduous and impassioned lecture to enact justice or explain the nuances of exactly why we don’t spit on our friends.

Thus, what follows is a list of some of the “isms” that freely flow in conversations around our house:

“You’re blessed, be a blessing”

Usage: What I often say when leaving the kids at school/church/a babysitter.

Origin: A sign-off with which my Grandma Sustad often ends letters.

“You are capable and curious, prized and precious. Sleep in peace, new mercies in the morning”

Usage:  The end of nightly blessings for each kid

Origin: I like alliteration and ending a blessing each night with affirmations of who they are and what God promises (Lamentations 3:22-23)

“May your mind be like the mind of Christ, your ears in tune with the whispers of the Holy Spirit, your mouth speak the truth in love, your heart be Jesus’ home, your back bear the burdens of others who need help, your arms reach out to touch the world with love, your tummy hunger for good things, your legs carry you on adventures in following your heart, and your feet run after Jesus every day of your life”

Usage: A common blessing at nighttime- touching the different body parts as I speak the words. It’s not usually the same exact words and I often add something about the day’s events or play: “May you DANCE freely in the freedom of Christ… May you BUILD your life on the foundation of God’s great love for you… Know that you are a real PRINCESS of the King and in our eyes… As you SLIP-n-SLIDE through your life, know that we are always here for you…etc…”

Origin: I liked making the blessing a tangible experience that involved their bodies and tender touching. Our church, Jacob’s Well, prays a body part prayer over newly baptized babies that is very similar.

“I hear you”

Usage: A response that ends begging. After we’ve answered a question and a child continues to ask, beg or bug, we simply say, “I hear you” and walk away- acknowledging that they are speaking but not entering back into the battle.

Origin: Desperate days when Eli was 3 and I needed to stop engaging incessant requests.

“Touch with Love”

Usage: Reminding Andi that our hands and arms are not for hitting or being rough- we must touch with love- gentleness, kindness, and being soft.

Origin: Andi is a physical kid. Even as a 4 year old,  she expresses herself with her body before using words most of the time. As a 2 year old, she needed even more reminders that her body can be used to hurt people and instead, she needed to touch with love.

“What’s your plan?”… “Want some options? You can give 1- give up 2- try again 3- ask for help”

Usage: A response to a whiny, exasperated, moaning statement such as, “My tower fell down!”, “Andi took my books!”, “Eli has three marbles and I only have 1”, “I can’t find my shoes!”, “This keeps falling apart!”    The goal is to get the kids to think of solving the problem themselves and keep me from stepping in to fix it for them! They usually choose trying again or asking for help and it’s fun to affirm, “You did it! You tried and tried, didn’t give up, and got it to work!”

“What do we throw”- kids respond, “Balls and soft things”

Origin: Issues with dangerous objects being thrown about when Eli was a toddler- still helpful today on a weekly basis at least!

“When do we spit”- kids respond, “When we are brushing our teeth or are sick”

Origin: Issues with spitting on friends. Yuck!

“When do we scream”- kids respond, “When we are really hurt or on a roller coaster”

Origin: I cannot stand screaming noises inside. I want to be able to respond to real emergencies and know that a scream means there’s a problem. I fully affirm excitement screams during rides, roller coasters,the big swing at Castaway etc…

“You worry about being the brother/sister/friend, and I’ll worrying about being the mom”

Usage: A response to a kid who wants to boss their friends around or give input on a sibling’s punishment.

Origin: My friend Hilary who says this to her smart, highly motivated, and very grown up eldest daughter.

“You get what you get and don’t throw a fit”

Usage: Ending whiney complaints about insignificant details or sibling comparison battles.

Origin: Vitamins and cereal spoons. Despite every fruity vitamin tasting basically the same, E and A  fight over who gets orange or red every morning. They can also escalate quickly or dissolve into tears over which one gets whatever spoon at breakfast. This little rhyme helps us all settle down. They use it more with each other to solve their own problems than Drew or I do in leading them these days! Yay!

“My job as a mom is to make you strong, smart, safe, and spiritual”

Usage: Responding to “But why?” rebuttals.

Origin:  Trying to come up with a simple way to defend my motherly mandates. I do so love alliteration.

“Who owns it anyway?”…kids respond, “God, and it’s our job to take care of it and share it”

Usage: Solving possession battles

Origin: The Harrison family at Castaway in 2010

“Have you talked to your friend about that?”

Usage: Addressing tattling. Encouraging kids to solve problems amongst themselves.

Origin: My friend Kristin in her wise ways. She usually adds that mommies are happy to help if someone is hurt but otherwise kids should try work it out with their friends directly first.

“You control you”

Usage: When blaming another. Ex: “Eli made me mad so I kicked the tower over” or “Well Andi was running in the church so I ran too”

Origin: The counseling sessions Drew and I attended in the Spring of 2010. The counselor helped us realize we were only in control of our own actions and had to take responsibility of ourselves regardless of the people and circumstances around us. It’s a very healthy tip for people of all ages!

The kids have been patiently awaiting my completion of this post so that I can go watch their Olympic long jumping and gymnastics outside in the 102 heat. I better end here and let them remind me of the importance of presence!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

 

 

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June 13, 2012 

Now more than Not Yet or Next

Last week as I swept the floor I got a gift. (Side Note: Sweeping is my favorite household chore for the sweet satisfaction of the ratio of effort to result. Our kitchen is small and the tile forgiving, so usually I can work for 5 minutes and have a large and satisfying pile of debris. The result is a clean floor that makes me feel more at peace with the world in general and more in control of the chaos around the house. Ahhhhh!)

However, last week, the sweeping gift was not the satisfaction of clearing debris and restoring peace, it was a realization, an “A-ha”, and perhaps even a word from the Spirit about life. I thought/heard: “Life is long.  You will be somewhere else someday, but here, right now, is okay”.

I took a deep breath. There seems to be so much pushing us forward, ahead, into the future right now, that an affirmation of being content in the moment, to pause in the present, to be okay with what “IS” now, was a gift.

We are 23 weeks pregnant with child number 3. This pushes us forward in a number of ways. Probably most immediate is that we will have another person to put into our small house. The small baby person is not going to take up nearly as much space as the baby’s corresponding crap- er, I mean, layette- the crib, pack-n-play, swing, bouncy seat, diaper pail, clothes, car seat, etc… etc… all come with the very small new person. I can picture space for the baby in our house, arms, and hearts…I have no idea where all the baby stuff will reside.

Add to the new baby, the fact that Eli will start kindergarten. I imagine we need space for the daily kindergarten paper/project accumulation right? A different, bigger, house would be nice. On most days, we feel like it wouldn’t just be nice, it’s actually downright necessary for our family sanity.

However, while sweeping, I realized, “We will live somewhere else someday. It’s okay to stay here for now.” Who knows when someday will be and where that other house is, for now, contentedness has settled in my head and heart and for that I’m grateful. I’m open to open doors for new houses or a knock on the door of this house from someone off the street who would love to buy it, but until it’s clear there is a place to go, we will stay and be okay.

I think living more in the now also means being okay that the answer to other questions is “Not Yet”.

“Is Elijah reading?” …. “Not yet.”            -He’s becoming more and more interested in words. He is actually reading simple word books and signs at the store, but I feel no need to push him, and instead am enjoying watching his world open up as he is interested in figuring it out himself!

“Do you know if you’re having a boy or a girl?”… “Not Yet.”        -We are waiting to discover the gender of our baby until the moment he/she is born. We knew with Eli and Andi that they were a boy and girl at 20 weeks but have decided to be surprised this time. We feel comfortable with the mystery and exceedingly excited for either a daughter or son in early October!

“Do you think you’ll leave the Young Life staff Lindsey?”…”Not Yet.”     -I feel very grateful to have a job that uses my gifts of teaching, my passion for leading others, my desire to be in personal relationships with people, that gives me an outlet and the challenge of applying my Master’s of Divinity, and offers me the flexibility to work and be a mom. I love that I get to travel to YL camps and conferences to speak, to learn, and to connect. Perhaps there will be another job for me in or out of YL but right now, I’m profoundly blessed to do what I do.

“Will we have another child after this one?”…”Don’t know Yet.”        -I can’t say for sure that we feel finished having children. I’m not ready to tie my tubes, though it would be so convenient with my insides all exposed during this c-section. We are open to stopping or adding children and can’t land on the final number today. I guess we’ll forgo the convenient contraceptive opportunity and continue our ever surprising, adventurous and absolutely mind-blowing wonderful adventure of family.

Right now, the Kansas City summer has been blissfully mild- temps in the 80’s, low humidity, cool nights and mornings. I don’t know when it will turn to stifling hot sticky-ness, but it’s not like that yet and I’m grateful.

There is so much right now, I’ll stay here, and move to what’s next when it’s time.

 

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